𝐓𝐀𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄- 𝐒𝐏𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄𝐑 𝐑𝐄𝐈𝐃

𝐄𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓

TW: this chapter contains graphic violence, indicated by the chapter divider. i warned readers of this in the introduction, but for those who did not read it: this fic is graphic (with descriptions of torture and violence). read at your own risk. *THE GRAPHIC SCENE IN QUESTION MAY BE SKIPPED, INDICATED BY THE CHAPTER DIVIDERS*

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𝐀𝐋𝐀𝐍𝐀 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐋𝐃 𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅 𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐁𝐄𝐃 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆. It felt as if the weight of the world had shifted, and was now pressing down directly on her chest with a heaviness that felt suffocating. The light that streamed in through the curtains felt cruel, mocking the darkness that loomed over her like a storm cloud this morning. She was acutely aware of what the day held, or rather, what it did not hold- the absence that loomed larger than any presence ever could. 

It was in this state of inertia that Alana found herself imagined herself in another world- one different than this. Her entire life, poetry had been the one thing she reached to during turmoil. She'd always admired the ways in which poets could encapsulate complex emotions that were too vast to articulate. She thought the ways in which words represented the desire to halt the world, to suspend time in the face of overwhelming loss. She understood the feeling all too well. Dickinson wrote "The Nerves sit ceremonious, like Tombs." Alana had read the words countless times, capturing the numbness that defined her very existence.  In the years since Evangeline passed, it felt as though she'd retreated into a formal, detached way of existing. It was like she'd been reading about an existence mirroring hers, where emotions were too overwhelming to feel, and the world seemed to pause for just a moment, wrapped in that stillness of grief. Sometimes Alana wondered if she'd ever even really left that house at all.For so many years, she thought of all the things that might have been different if she'd convinced Evangeline to stay home that night. 

"It's your birthday, Vivi," Eva grinned widely, gripping her forearm gently. "Your eighteenth, no less. Since Rhi is still grounded, it's up to me to make sure you celebrate."

Stupidly, Alana had agreed, even if she didn't know what she'd been getting into. Maybe if they hadn't left that night, Corey would have never found them. Maybe the three of them would have made it to Caltech. Maybe Evangeline would still be alive. Maybe Alana had been the one to die that night instead. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. She was sick of that word. She was sick of wondering.

Today was just a god-awful reminder of that night. Maybe that was what Corey had intended. 

He had made her hate her birthday. Because it was the same night Evangeline died. 

Yet another reminder that she had lived another year, but her best friend forever remained eighteen. She never got to go to college, never got to have her first legal drink, or vote in an election.

Today marked ten years exactly since Evangeline died. Technically, she had died that night, too. Alana was twenty-eight, but Eva was still freshly eighteen. So was Vivian Morales. 

Alana didn't have it in her to cry. Instead, she just felt a hollow pit in her chest. She should have felt sad, she should have been sobbing in bed, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She hadn't cried since that first night, and she vowed not to shed another tear over them again. 

She forced herself to sit up, and clutched the blanket close to herself as she padded down the hall to Rhiannon's room. She was the only other person in the world who understood just how dreadful this day was. When she cracked open the door, Rhiannon didn't so much as shift from her spot on the bed, her eyes pinned on her bedroom wall. But it was like she was just a husk of a person, not really there at all. She blinked slowly when Alana lowered herself onto the bed and pulled Rhiannon into her chest, running a hand across her back before she pressed a kiss to the top of her head. While she wasn't usually for physical affection, she knew that on today of all days, Rhiannon needed this just as much as she did.