Pause

Chapter 2

I did not realise when I went to sleep. When I woke up, I could hear Ma, Milky and my older sister - Priyanka didi's voices outside. "For the last time, please stop asking me to get married." I could hear Priyanaka di say. "And these bengunis are too oily Ma, I am not eating them." The usual drama in my house. I sat up on my bed. I exhaled. Everything seems so normal in their lives. When my whole life seems to have fallen apart.

It was past evening now, and it was dark inside my room. I just sat in the dark. I did not want to go outside and join them. I wanted to stay alone in the dark as much as possible.

My mind wandered off to the past.

Our meet-cute was that I literally bumped into Rhishab in the canteen of the college on the first day itself. And the ketchup on my plate smeared onto his white shirt. I was so mortified. I apologise so much. But he said it was okay. Later I found out that he was in economics, first year. I was in English. Somehow we kept running into each other through campus. We became close and then began dating. This was ten years ago. We were just barely turning 18. He was my first boyfriend. He was the first boy I kissed, the first guy I slept with. He was my first everything.

I did not doubt that I would end up marrying him. We even had dreams of that. Even he had dreams of that.

I remember the first time he got a salary.

He took me to dinner. And while we were eating, he extended a cute jewellery box to me. "What is it?" I asked him.

"Open it," He told me with an excited smile.

I opened the box and it was a lovely chain and pendant in the shape of a heart. "It's my promise." He told me. "One day I will replace this with a mangalsutra." He said.

"What?" I asked, overwhelmed. I was not swooning or anything. It was a little bit too dramatic for me. So I rolled my eyes, "We are still young," I told him.

"I know. But just saying," he said. "One day, it will be a ring and I will be getting down on my knees and asking you, 'Shiyuli Palkar... Will you marry me'?" I don't know if it was those four words or the sincerity in his voice, but I did get goosebumps on that. And something felt warm in my heart.

Did I actually do something to make him stop loving me? Was I the reason? But what did I do? Can I undo it? Can I turn the time back and behave in ways that will correct the situation? I felt an urge to call him and say sorry and beg him to take me back. Then my own self-integrity stopped me from that.

After a while, Ma came into my room and switched on the lights. "Are you awake?" She asked. "Why are you sitting in the dark like this?"

I just looked at her. I did not even feel like talking.

"Come outside. Have some food."

I did not feel like eating. Sure, I was hungry. But I did not want to eat. I did not want to get up and go outside. My body felt too heavy. I felt I was made out of stone.

Ma looked worried, troubled even.

"Shiyu..." She sat down on the bed near me.

I felt like crying. That is the thing with grief. You can hold it down and hide it when your loved ones are not near you. But it is harder not to cry when your mother is near you, and comforting you. It was like floodgates broke. I began to cry again. And I hated that I was crying too much for a guy. But then, that guy was not just any guy. He was my whole life.

Milky and Priyu di walked into the room. They stood at the door for a while as I cried. "Can you stop crying for a guy?" Priyu di finally said.

With difficulty, I dried my tears and looked up at her. Priyu di looked strict, still in her office clothes. She took a long breath. "Now get up, wash your face and eat some food." She demanded. She was staring straight at me, without her eyes wavering. She is the toughest person in our family, even more than Ma. I was even scared of her. So I obliged. I got up, went to the washroom, washed my face and went and sat at the dining table.