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Chapter 20

Days moved on. I started discussing with Dr Jyothi what happened between Rishab and me in the last few months. I could only cry sometimes mentioning the things he did. And Dr Jyothi would let me cry it out and offer me a tissue box.

One evening, I returned to Akshay's house after my session with Dr Jyoti. My eyes were red from crying. Akshay took one look at me and took me into a hug. It was nice and cosy to be in his hug. But it just scared me more.

I knew I was falling in love with Akshay. But I was just so scared. So I pushed away from him. I went and sat down on the couch.

"You okay?" he asked.

I nodded. A lie... I was not okay. I did not feel okay ever since I started talking about the last few months. It felt like the wound re-opened. My heart hurt. And I always felt like crying. It was only now that I realised the full extent of the injustice that happened to me.

Priyanka di, Milky and everyone said it was so nice that I could come out of that abusive relationship. That I should be thankful that I was finally out of it.

But... why.... Did I feel that I was still not over Rishab? Why am I so scared when I am with Akshay?

"You don't look okay to me," Akshay sat down near me.

A tear fell and I wiped it with the back of my palm.

"Oh... baby," Akshay tried to hug me again.

"What did you call me?" I turned to him.

He hesitated and even blushed. "Sorry, it came out." He said.

Rishab used to call me 'baby' when things were good between us. So it just triggered memories. I was unable to push memories away now.

"Don't...." I said, "Call me that."

"Okay," Akshay said, but he sounded a bit disappointed.

So we sat in silence for a while.

"Shiyu...." He called me after a while.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Can we talk?"

I turned to him.

"Yes," I said.

He faced me. "I can't.... I mean, I am finding it difficult to do this." He said.

"Do what?" I asked.

"Being just your friend." He said. At once I avoided his eyes. He continued. "Do you know what I think of and feel like every night you leave from here? That I want to kiss you goodnight. Or that I don't want to let you go. I want to cuddle with you on my bed or... Keep you with me the whole night."

I felt uncomfortable.

"I know you are going through stuff," he said. "I know I should wait. And I am... Just that... sometimes... I feel you are pushing me away further. And it scares me. Or hurts me... I don't know..." There was pain in his voice.

I felt bad. I felt like I was hurting him. I felt bad. But I felt there was nothing much I could do. I was not ready to be in a happy and laughing relationship now. I was not even sure, I wanted to be in another relationship ever.

I did love Akshay.

But I was terrified of messing it up again. Or worse, what if Akshay is no different from Rishab?

Love, kissing, sex...

I don't know.

I let my head down and put my fingers through my hair. Akshay was still looking at me.