Pause

Chapter 4

It was around the fourth week after I came home that the idea of suicide got into my head. It had been a month since I came back from Delhi to Mumbai. It had been a week since I got an email from my workplace that said I had been fired because I was not coming back to work. The email did not affect me much. I just stared at it blankly. It had been a month since I had even gone out of my room. I ate food only because my Ma yelled at me and forced me to eat. I did not want to eat. I slept most of the time. I did not do anything to pass the time. I was not watching movies, not watching even YouTube. I was not reading books or doing anything.

I was ruminating about the words Rishab said when he broke up with me.

"I don't think we should continue this." He had said. "I am not happy in this relationship. I don't think you are either. So I guess we should end things and move on. This is not really going anywhere." One day he sat me down and said this. "You know that I don't even feel attracted to you sexually anymore." He continued. "It feels so bad." He looked so frustrated. "Sex with you now feels like I am having sex with my sister, or a family member. It is so boring. And when I try to spice things up, you have an issue." He sighed. "Plus you are getting so fucking fat that I...." He grunted. "My whole mood goes down."

My eyes filled up. And a tear fell down.

"Now, don't start fucking crying, Shiyu... This is so annoying. Whenever I try to tell you something you start crying. This is why I can't say anything. This is why I was not breaking up with you for so long. When I wanted to have this conversation months, at least a year back. I was so done with you a year back." He concluded.

"You don't love me anymore?" Was what I asked. Because I could not make sense of things.

"God!" He sounded so irritated. "How can you be so immature? Not everything is about love. And yeah..." He said, looking at my face, "If you really need me to say that out loud, then yeah. I don't love you anymore. In fact, I doubt that I ever did. I don't even know what love is anymore." He looked away.

I had so many questions. Like then what was that between us for so many years? What were all those happy moments? What was it when we had our first sex, which felt like lovemaking? What were those countless kisses, which felt like love?

But then, other things did not make sense too.

"But we had sex three days back. You say you don't feel attracted to me anymore. Then what was that?"

"That was sex. Just boring sex." He said.

"So you want to break up with me because you are not enjoying sex anymore?" I asked. "But I am trying... Last week too.... I... Rishab, I am trying right?"

"I don't want you to try. You are not enjoying it either. Are you?" He asked. "I am not either. And I can't spend the rest of my life like this. And I told you I don't think I love you anymore. So why should I?"

"None of this makes sense." I cried.

"Shiyu, please don't make a scene." He said. "I am just saying, it is better if we end things now. And we need to find different partners and move on. My parents are looking for a girl for me. I will probably get married to her."

Now I felt panic. He was really serious about this.

"I am tired of this life with you," He continued. "I am really, really fed up. I will go mad if I continue life with you. I no longer love you. I stayed with you so far, because it was like an obligation. But I do not want to get married to you as an obligation. That feels so wrong. I have a chaotic life right now. So I want some peace. I want to make my parents happy. Also, I would like to get some proper food when I get back home, tired after work. Plus, if I am getting married, I would like to marry a woman to whom I am at least attracted to."