1D DREAMS

Find A Paynis & The Crew at Malls Near You

I realise that the title I chose rhymes. I know, I'm a genius. And it makes me want to rap. Which reminds me that there is rap version of "Kiss you". I want it played at my wedding and my funeral. I'll link it so you can feel the same passion. If you don't experience the rap version of "Kiss You" at least once in your life then what the fuck are you doing? I'll link it. The best part is the rapping combined with the fetus pictures. I promise you you're in for a treat. I wouldn't give you anything less than the best, baby ;)

This time I dreamed that I experienced the culmination of all of my hopes, dreams, effort, wishes, pursuits and ambitions.

No, I did not save the planet or ban nuclear testing forever or whatever you dumbfuck.

I met One Direction.

Now that we've got that straight, here we go.

I think I was indoors. In a mall or something. I sort of remember big spaces, white walls and escalators. It's just another one of those dream facts that you know at the time. And this dream was different from a lot of others in the sense that, instead of just meeting them casually, I saw them and felt the full overflow of emotions that comes with seeing them as celebrities.

In other dreams of course I've been so excited to see them that I've creamed my pants and had to change them and started doing my Kegel exercises to make sure the real estate is all good and tight - but that was just because I was meeting them as "ordinary" people, whose personalities were still glorious and gorgeous and magnetic. Just not as surrounded by all the hype and chaos, because you know the kind of shitstorm that those boys are at the centre of daily - try the #Harrysfriendismissing trend. And I loved that shit. But it's still crazy (crazy good).

So of course the guys are still real people and normal and want to be treated that way, but there's no avoiding the fact that they're extraordinary and millions of people have recognised it. So of course I'm gonna fangirl and my heart and vagina are gonna explode in a massive bombing duet that will play the melody of Steal my Girl as it tears me apart when I see them. Yes, when. I will meet them in my life. If only to say a quick thank you for the way that their voices make me feel like I'm high on pure joy and perfection surrounded by chocolate in a pool of love. They've gotta hear that, come on now. And they will. Harry would be thrilled. He's probably waiting for me right now, you know. Just sitting right now and waiting for me in his fantabulous flowy flamingo button-down that flows off his shoulder blades like a divine river over Mount Olympus. Yes, if you didn't know (how dare you, you insolent peasant) Harry and every part of him, including that magic dick ofc, have been blessed by the gods. Anyone who tells you otherwise is LYING TO YOU.

Where the fuck was I again? Oh yeah, the damn dream that I set out and was meant to talk you through. Do you see though? This is what they do to me!!! I can't even keep my damn head (or my uterus) clear for one second where they're involved. And they're involved in everything. My whole life, ok? Don't you fucking doubt for a second that they were at my graduation ceremony - because there were (in spirit.) Harry handed me my diploma before he proceeded to baby-giraffe-flip off the stage #OhNoHarryTrendingAsIType #WelcometoNiall'sOhNoClub #MembershipIsFreeForCupcakes

So, back to the dream mall. I saw the boys standing a little farther down from where I was. At first, I didn't want to bother them, or crowd around them, so I kept my distance. Because I love them, and I would endure any Payne (and his Paynis) for them. I just looked at them, wistfully gazing at them from afar, as I wondered how the fuck the divine powers above, no matter how powerful, could possibly have created and united such a group of magical creatures.

Then after a while, the whole "How are you even a creature of this earth (y o u  ' r e   n o t) (you can't be) (remember when Zayn said he was a hologram and we were all like   d  u  h) I love you so much" thing got too much. You know, as it does. Even though we have souls of steel-plated diamond Kevlar as Directioners. Nothing can break us. Except Harry's dick. Or Liam's. My Lord. If he swung that thing at me I swear I'd snap in half. There's no telling how many fragments of me would go flying into outer space. Anyway, the point is: we are hardcore. But sometimes we need a break too.