If None Of It Had Happened (If He Had Been With Me)

Chapter 1 (Chapter 82 Rewrite)

The sun shines through the window as I wake with Finny's arms wrapped around my waist and our clothes strewn around the room. We stayed wrapped up in each other all night.

Finny must have been awake already because he pulls me closer and rests his head in the crook of my neck.

His phone buzzes and he pushes himself up and off the bed.

"Is that Sylvie?" I ask, a pang of jealousy shoots through me.

"I still should go see her today, Autumn. She deserves an explanation." He looks up at me, guilt written in his expression.

"So you really haven't told her anything then?" I know I should feel bad for Sylvie, but I only feel heartbroken. What if there's still part of him that loves her? I mean technically they're still together...

"I haven't told her that I still feel for you, but Autumn, I broke up with her yesterday morning." Wait... What? He never told me that.

"You did? But why?" I selfishly want to be the cause, but he hadn't even read my story and known how I felt until last night so was there some other reason?

"Autumn, I'll always care for Sylvie, but I've loved you for years. The guilt was killing me, and I was going to wait, but I just couldn't. I've spent years working to get over my feelings for you, but over these past couple of weeks I couldn't deny it anymore. I would have been okay loving you from a distance, but I wouldn't have been okay lying to her about it. And I know it was so shitty of me to break up with her over the phone, but I think it would've been worse to keep pretending that I don't care for you. I think deep down Sylvie knew it too." I'm so shocked by this that I don't even know what to say.

"Well, what did she say?" I finally get out.

"She said she still wants to talk tonight, so I'm going to meet her after she has dinner with her parents." He quickly types out a reply and then puts his phone back on the nightstand.

I can't help but curl up into myself as I continue to let my insecurities cloud my mind.

The bed creaks as he climbs back on and pulls me back into him, easing some of tension building inside me.

"Why don't you try going back to sleep?" He murmurs into my ear.

"I'm not that tired, I just want to sit here with you." He nods and his thumbs circles where it rests on my arm.

We sit in silence for a couple minutes, and then Finny shifts, making eye contact with me. I immediately feel his nerves.

"Do you... Regret being with me?" He has once again left me speechless. What an absurd question.

"Of course not, why would you even ask me that?" I frown up at him hoping he'll realize how ridiculous he sounds. He just laughs in response and I shove him lightly, "Seriously, Finny."

He stops laughing and then his face becomes serious again.

"I know it was your first time, Autumn, and I just didn't want to feel like I was taking that from you." He brings his hand up to cup my face and I lean into his touch.

"Finny... You didn't take anything from me that I didn't want to give you. I am glad it was you." I lean forward to rest my forehead on his, and he tilts my head up, lightly brushing a kiss onto my lips.

"Hearing you talk about losing your virginity after graduation tore me to pieces, Autumn. I know I had no right to feel jealous and protective, especially considering that I was still with Sylvie, but I couldn't help it. Jamie didn't deserve you, and I was so scared that you'd never realize it." Seeing him so vulnerable is a beautiful and scary thing. How have I gone so long without realizing how deeply we both feel for each other, but especially how he feels about me? Am I so blind?

And yet I still feel a punch to the gut when I think about him meeting with Sylvie later tonight.

"I'm so worried, Finny." I whisper so quietly that I'm surprised he even heard.

"Worried about what?" He pulls me into a hug again, surrounding me in his warmth.

"It's just... When you and Sylvie broke up the first time you were upset. You really loved her. So what if today, when you go to see her, you realize this was all just a huge mistake? What if she's what you really want?" I can't stop the tears that begin to fall down my cheeks.

"Autumn, that isn't possible. Aren't you listening? It's always been you, even since we were kids."

"But what if something changes?" I should stop, but I can't. The worry won't just leave.

"Let me ask you this. You loved Jamie, right? For years, even." He puts his hands on my shoulders and looks into my eyes in question.

"I mean, yeah. At least I thought I did." I sniffle and wait for him to continue.

"So you understand. I did love Sylvie, but even with loving Sylvie came wanting you. What Sylvie and I had is just different than what I feel for you. I had convinced myself that I was content because I never thought that I could have you, Autumn. You are the standard that I held every girl I ever spoke to up against. It wasn't fair to Sylvie, and I finally let myself accept that and realize that I can't be with anyone else right now. But I'm also telling you that I was completely okay with watching you grow and love someone else as long as it meant that we were even friends. As much as I have loved you, I just want you to be happy Autumn, even if it wasn't with me. But now that there's a chance that I can love you, I am going to take it and be grateful for even a minute with you. You are my greatest gift, Autumn Rose Davis." With his confession comes another stream of tears, but a weight has also been lifted from my chest at his words.

His hand moves to wipe away my tears and his eyes stay locked on mine.

"You're so beautiful, Autumn Rose." He whispers.

I blush and turn my head.

"You really are. And weird, and confusing and... perfect. And I love you." I turn back to look at him again and he wears an expression I've never seen from him before. In this moment I know everything between us really has changed.

"I love you too, Phineas." He tilts my head up to kiss me, and it's like the whole world falls away around us until we're the only people left in the world. Me and Finny. Finny and me. And somewhere deep down I know that this was always how it was going to be between us, it was just a matter of time. Being here with Finny feels like coming home after being lost for way too long.

When we finally break the kiss, we remain silent and just cuddle close to each other, both of us not wanting to let go.

And so we just continue to hold each other like nothing else matters, because right now nothing does.