Our Struggles | A Jeongcheol story

Jeonghan

The date with Seungcheol was on the horizon, and though I felt a flutter of excitement, a lingering shadow of guilt cast itself over my anticipation. It was difficult to shake the feeling that I was being selfish for looking forward to something so personal when my brothers were grappling with their own struggles. Joshua's academic pressures and Seungkwan's endless worry weighed heavily on my mind, and I couldn't help but question if I was neglecting my family's needs by focusing on my own desires.

I walked through the apartment, my thoughts tangled between the upcoming date and the concern for my brothers. Joshua's struggle had become increasingly apparent to me. His reluctance to eat properly, his sleepless nights, and his stubborn refusal to talk about his issues had me deeply worried. Despite his attempts to shield me from his troubles, I could see the toll it was taking on him. And Seungkwan, always so perceptive, seemed to be consumed by the stress of managing both his and Joshua's well-being. It was a lot for anyone to handle, and I felt I was failing them by not being more present.

Seungcheol had been a bright spot in my life recently, offering a comforting presence and understanding. But now, as the date drew closer, I found myself questioning whether indulging in this personal joy was appropriate given the circumstances. Was I being inconsiderate? Could I really justify spending time with Seungcheol when my family needed me so desperately?

I decided to confide in Joshua. I found him in the kitchen, attempting to prepare a meal. His movements were sluggish, and I noticed that he wasn't eating much of what he was making. I approached him carefully, trying to balance my concern with the need to respect his space.

"Hey Joshua," I said softly, taking a seat at the kitchen counter. "How's everything going?"

Joshua looked up, his eyes weary but his smile firm. "Just busy with studies, you know how it is."

I sighed, feeling the weight of my own emotions. "I've been thinking a lot lately. About Seungcheol and me going on a date. I feel guilty for wanting something personal when there's so much going on with you and Seungkwan. I can't shake the feeling that it's selfish."

Joshua's expression softened, and he walked over to sit beside me. "Jeonghan, it's not selfish to want to take care of yourself. Everyone needs a break sometimes. If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to help us properly."

His words resonated with me, but they didn't completely ease my guilt. "I just don't want to seem like I'm abandoning you guys. You and Seungkwan have been under so much stress, and I've been struggling to keep up with it all."

Joshua reached out and patted my hand. "You're not abandoning us. We all need moments to recharge. It's okay to seek out something that makes you happy. Besides, you being happy and well-rested will only help you support us better."

I appreciated Joshua's reassurance, though my mind remained conflicted. "I know you're right. It's just hard to shake off the feeling that I'm not doing enough."

Joshua offered a warm smile. "We all have our moments. It's important to find balance. You deserve to have a little happiness, too. Just make sure you're also looking out for yourself and not overextending."

His encouragement was a soothing balm to my worries, but I couldn't ignore the underlying truth in his words. Maybe finding some personal joy was what I needed to remain strong and supportive for them.

Later, I found myself talking with Seungkwan, who had his usual energy but a tinge of concern that was hard to ignore. "How are you holding up, Seungkwan?" I asked, trying to sound casual.

Seungkwan looked at me with a mixture of sadness and resolve. "I'm managing. It's hard, but I'm doing my best to keep things together. Joshua's been pushing himself too hard, and I worry about him. But I also know that we all need a break sometimes."

His words mirrored the sentiment Joshua had expressed earlier. Perhaps I needed to let myself enjoy the date and see it as a small respite, a way to recharge my own emotional batteries.

As the day of the date approached, I resolved to focus on the positive aspects. I'd enjoy the time with Seungcheol, but I'd also make sure to check in with my brothers regularly, ensuring they knew I was there for them despite the personal time I was taking.

In the end, balancing self-care with the responsibility of looking after my family was a challenging act, but one that was necessary. It was about finding harmony between my own needs and the well-being of those I loved. I hoped that by allowing myself this personal joy, I could return to my family with renewed strength and a clearer mind.

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published 29/03/2024