No Teachings in These Readings

Her

I met my ex wife at McDonalds..... I guess hopping from relationship to relationship is something I seemed to strive for..

Without one I've always felt so alone but sometimes so free..... She was bigger which was absolutely no problem she seemed sweet she seemed to take up the air I breathed. I really don't even think she wanted me to begin with but I pursued feeling like I had a purpose now. A song came on the radio and she was like oh yeah I know this song! Well yeah it's from Blade 3. Oh yeah oh yeah! I felt like I had life in me talking to her and she wasn't even that faithful to me to begin with..... I had been with a couple of men before her not many women..... I'm not even sure if a woman would look at me in public..... They presence I also wish to respect and not try to sexualize everything about them because some people just need some kind fucking words.

She knew about my past and she droned on and on about the guys she had been with how much she missed fucking them while I laid there next to her like she was a goddess my own succubus..... She wouldn't even kiss me as I left her. Like I was a disease..... I walked home struck up a cigarette and just felt high and weightless. We kept talking and talking why I'll never know.... She was also fucking around on me with a meth head from the start and showing me dick pics... Of his ... I just didn't seem to be phased and I was so fucking lost. I met her son Brayden who yes was a horrible child but a child I protected and loved like no other and no longer can ... Severe mood issues severe tantrums he would overeat....... We didn't bond well at first for sure but I loved him...... More than my own life eventually. I made him breakfast on days I didn't feel like existing and his presence brought me warmth.

Their Dad dropped him off barely having anything to do with this kid who was barely 5 years old.... Later on I found out she had other 3. Luke, Danielle, and Leah. Honestly for the longest time I couldn't bond with them. They destroyed everything had no respect and treated everyone like shit most of the time. No sense of responsibility. Me and her moved so fast you wouldn't believe... It felt like a high and I was a complete blind tool. Her mom was hateful the minute I met her yelling and screaming at me or her because her daughter couldn't get her shit together and neither could she. She had no custody of her kids either... Some lousy lazy excuse of I tried super hard and I lost my babies.... She cares nothing about those babies.... Neither does the father who throws his whole life away for a little piece of ass. The only reason he exists is for the sole purpose of finding a girlfriend. He chooses women over his own blood..... Then when he no longer gets it he calls these kids saying I'm sorry ... Go months at a time without even speaking to them.

We were engaged in weeks and moved in together at a nice little place down south. It was beautiful but it could have been my home for a long time without her there.... This woman never cleaned.. ever... In the time we lived together it was horrible at first everything's honeymoon yanno and then it falls away from you... For those it don't I'm so glad you found that person or maybe you still haven't because in reality some of us who smile the most and laugh the most carry too much weight and we are deeply fucking burdened and sick of this routine. The kids were brought to the house and yes of course more than welcome considering their dad was starving them abusing them and bullying them. We got fired from missing work literally all the time. We worked at McDonald's for awhile everything felt great.... They fired us because I guess I got into her habits we just stopped coming in. We eventually went back which made things worse and things always escalated stupidly and it should have stopped. She would flirt with people from her second job and gush over almost any fucking man that came through.
Fuck that shit. We are together right? Stop please? We are engaged you love me right? Of course of course baby I'm just joking. Your naive when you let yourself be led astray. Eventually sex even stopped..... Oh I'm somehow starting to have all these problems a man going 8 weeks without sex. Eventually you start to fight constantly about it then everything. Of course she was getting piled drived while I was doing dishes helping kids with homework. I just thought nah I trust her......

Side note..... Every relationship I've ever had I've been cheated on..... My last hook up he was masturbating with another dude with me in the bed and that was the end of it for me.

We landed on our ass eventually. I was walking the kids to school in the morning and in the afternoon and working 40 plus hours at Walmart everyday. She was too lazy to get her ass up and out the bed. Did I also mention she quit her job? So I was tackling all the bills. And her excuse for sitting on her ass for a year was I told her to take care of her mental health. I never remember saying that and I remember crying so stressed constantly unable to feed the kids and she just said I love you we got this. An idiot huh. She didn't do shit for a year. Spent my money tho. Made sure I could never get my license or save a penny.

Eventually we had to move... We moved into her mom's place because for days at a time she would leave me at the house just by myself. I'm going to my mom's. The house was falling apart I was in debt up to my ass because I was handling it all on my own even cleaning kids couldn't seem to do that.

She made it sound like we could save and be out in two months I was like oh yeah okay cool finally I can save. Your a FUCKING idiot dude. Stop why are you doing this. I couldn't tell you how many times I walked out on her and was so stupid to come back... I think it was always the kids for me and she always brought them into our shit. I was always a faggot because I liked men. If we did something freaky she pretended to enjoy it just to call me a faggot or say I need a man later. Even though they were her kids she never took care of them. That was also a constant argument. Your not their Dad they don't love you they can't stand you they tell me Logan and I would scream for her to stop and she never would..... So id take something sharp and bleed and that rush is so toxic and fulfilling.... She would just point at me and say this is on you this is how you want to raise the kids then bring them in there like I was in a fucking exhibit...

Anyway bro.... Her mom and my ex wife robbed my blind. They were going out to eat with my paycheck and pocketing the rest. She was never home never laying in bed with me never sleeping with me ... And one of my best friends at the time tore me away from her ..... Harlie.... I said I can't do this anymore man ...We went to a fucking culvers that day using my money. I was exhausted constantly. Her mom never cleaned ever Jessica never did the kids never did the house was too small. I was bleeding and sweating 3 or 4 departments at Walmart or running 18 hours in dairy every night with another person. I was talking to harlie and I said I'm done I'm leaving and Jessica says who are you talking to? Are you leaving me? And she pretended to be sad and I said yes I am. She pretends to be upset crying hysterically with her son in the next room...... She tries to fight me............. For no apparent reason. I say why why?! Why stay with you you've ruined everything I am she tried to rape me in front of her son and mother....... She tried to rape me.... She wouldn't stop touching me...... I told her to get off me then she takes my phone and goes to her mom's room just to have a witness to idk what and it was about 2 minutes of extreme bliss waiting for my mom my things were packed. Screaming at her to give my my phone just repeating the same old stupid shit. Hitting her head like she was a fucking psycho like I'm supposed to just break down and stay... I left it was cold that day too... Hopped in the car shut the door mom asked you good no I'm not drive...