My broken Aster

'Don't be a brat' -Aster-

Song: Block me out (Gracie Abrams)

It'd been a few weeks since I went swimming in the pool and everything since then had become somewhat of a routine.

Damon forcing me to eat, even when I didn't want to. Staying up late because I couldn't sleep. Noticing the weight I'd been slowly gaining.

I know that I was underweight, and I was slowly getting to what was considered healthy but my father's comments came to me every time I ate.

"Your gaining to much weight, you slut." "You're disappointing your mother every time you eat."
"Why the fuck are you eating so much, for fucks sake, I don't buy food for you to eat it all."

I hated that I felt like this, but I couldn't help it. I wonder if he still thought of me like that.

I was a disappointment through and through; I could feel it in my bones. I could hear his voice, and so many alarms went off in my head whenever I looked in the mirror. I couldn't look in the mirror without feeling the need to shatter it into pieces. I couldn't get away with not eating with Damon around.

I tried to swim and work in off at night, but most days, Damon was over, forcing me to stay with him, Ravena and Oliver.

It was thankfully the weekend, but just like every other day, he was over, this time along with Kaz.

I felt disgusting eating the amount I did, even though I knew they were normal proportions. I could feel Damon's stare at me, making the hair in the back of my head stand.

We were all eating dinner that Aunt Liz made. She made chicken with vegetables. When she put it in front me, I felt the whole world against me. It smelt amazing, and the voice in the back of my head told me not to eat. I could feel Damon's detrimental stare at me. I picked up the fork, and knife cutting through the chicken.

I thought I was getting better with food, but I wasn't. I ate the first bite, and I could feel myself growing more anxious by the second. I could hear his comments with every bite, and it made bile rise up my throat.

I ate, tuning everyone out. I couldn't take it anymore.

"I'll be right back." I excused myself after eating the last bite of the chicken, not even touching the vegetables. I pushed myself out of my chair and avoided everyone's gaze as I walked carefully towards the bathroom.

I closed and locked the door behind me. I turned the sink on I fell to my knees in front of the toilet. I stuck two fingers in the back of my mouth, forcing myself to empty the contents of  my stomach. I could feel a tears staining my cheeks, as I emptied my dinner in the toilet.

I slumped against the wall for a minute, dry heaving before I stood up and flushed the toilet.

I stood up, and took the mouthwash out of the bathroom cabinet and rinsed my mouth out quickly, and washing my hands.

I looked at myself, silently happy of what I did knowing that maybe I'd hopefully make my mom proud. But I knew in the back of my mind, she would be giving me a disappointing gleam. I could see her eyes and the sadness behind them, the smile that she faked if she found out what I was doing

"You're disappointing your mother every time you eat."

It was a delusion thinking that what I was doing was making her proud. But I was like a hamster running in it's wheel. A never ending cycle of hopelessness.

I walked out of the bathroom, making it back, seeing my plate empty.

I looked around and made eyes with the culprit. Of course it was Oliver.