his secret | woosan

fifteen

you know that moment when you think you're on the same page with someone, only to find out you've been speaking different languages the whole time? that's where i was at. i thought we had something—maybe not official, but it felt real enough. i guess i misread the situation. or maybe i just wanted it to be more than it was. assumptions are dangerous.

my vision blurred, just for a second, then snapped back, sharper than before. the voices around me surged in volume, each word echoing painfully in my skull, sparking a dull headache. i moved toward the door, but my hand hesitated on the handle. my head felt lighter, my sight blurring again, and suddenly the room began to spin. i gripped the door tighter, trying to steady myself, and forced it open—it felt unnaturally heavy, like i was pulling against gravity.

the moment i stepped outside, the music slammed into me, the bassline pounding in my head like it was trying to split my skull open. the chatter of the crowd turned into an overwhelming roar, every voice and sound too loud, too sharp. my eyes started to betray me, the edges of my vision swimming in and out of focus.

what was happening to me?

i needed air—desperately. my breaths were loud and uneven as i struggled to keep my balance, to keep some semblance of control. but everything was slipping, the world around me warping and twisting out of reach.

i spotted a staircase just beyond the room i had stumbled out of. gripping the railing for support, i began to climb, moving slowly as if my body was betraying me with every movement. my vision blurred, and each step felt like it was sapping the last bit of strength i had left. i reached up to my head, trying in vain to soothe the pounding pain, but nothing helped.

when i finally reached the top, i leaned against the wall, gasping for air. my vision flickered in and out, and the throbbing in my head only intensified. i pressed my hands to my temples, silently pleading for the pain to stop.

the third floor was cloaked in darkness. i couldn't see anyone, not a single soul. doors lined both ends of the hallway—or maybe i was seeing double; it was impossible to tell.

my eyes caught on a slightly open door at the far end of the left side of the hallway, a faint sliver of moonlight spilling through the gap. thank god, i thought, hoping there were windows or a balcony letting the light in.

summoning the last reserves of my strength, i pushed myself toward the light. midway, i had to stop, my head spinning from the effort, the pain nearly unbearable. after a moment, i forced myself up again, determined to reach that door. finally, i made it, and as soon as i crossed the threshold, i shut the door behind me.

i collapsed against the door, sliding down to the floor. my breath came in ragged gasps as i sat there, head in my hands, trying to slow my breathing. sweat dripped down my face, and my whole body felt like it was burning up. with trembling hands, i slowly unbuttoned my jacket, hoping it would cool me down. but the heat was relentless. i yanked off the tank top underneath and tossed both the garments somewhere beside me on the floor.

i needed help. i had no idea what was happening to me. desperately, i fumbled for my phone in my jeans pocket. when i turned it on, the brightness seared my eyes, making me flinch. i blinked slowly, trying to adjust to the harsh light. the screen was blurry, the words and icons swimming before my eyes.

i couldn't make out anything. relying on muscle memory and the faint outline of the screen, i opened imessage.

but then i froze. who could i even text? my mind raced, wishing i had gotten ryu's number before leaving. he would've helped. but the only other person i knew here was san. the memory of him kissing that girl flashed through my mind, stoking my anger. a sharp pain shot through my head, making me wince.

i wasn't sure if san would even bother coming to get me, but i realized i had no other option. my hands shook violently as i tried to type out a message, barely managing to press the right keys. i sent it off without double-checking, knowing i couldn't even see the words i was typing.

to: san
belp me oleas. thjird flor.

the moment i hit send, regret washed over me, and i threw my phone across the floor. the thought of asking him for help made my stomach churn.

i blinked rapidly, trying to make out my surroundings: sofas, a coffee table, a massive desk on the right with rows of bookshelves, and thankfully, a huge balcony right in front of me.

with shaky legs, i slowly stood up, stumbling slightly as i did. my vision blurred, but i pushed myself forward, heading straight for the wide balcony doors. i almost collapsed, but caught myself on the coffee table in front of the sofas. gathering every ounce of strength i had left, i forced the doors open.

a fresh breeze of cold night air hit my face, and for a fleeting moment, it felt like i'd stepped into heaven. the crispness of the air filled my lungs as i took a deep breath, my head still throbbing, my vision still hazy, but the cold air somehow dulled the pain.

i turned around and staggered back into the room, my legs barely supporting me. with the last of my strength, i collapsed onto the large leather sofa. the coolness of the leather against my bare back sent a shiver through me, a welcome contrast to the feverish heat that consumed the rest of my body. i kicked my feet up and rested my head on the armrest, positioning myself so that my face was angled toward the open balcony. the cool air flowed into the room, brushing over me like a soothing balm, making me feel grounded amidst the swirling chaos in my mind.

for a moment, i felt a wave of comfort and relief, as if everything was finally over. but that sense of peace quickly faded. the throbbing in my head had dulled, but every other symptom remained, and a new, unbearable heat was building inside me, especially in my lower body.

the sensation became overwhelming. frustration surged as i ran my hands through my hair, desperate for relief. i was at someone else's house—anyone could walk in at any moment—so taking off my jeans seemed out of the question. but the fabric felt suffocating, intensifying the heat crawling under my skin.

driven by desperation, i started unbuttoning my pants. i tried to reassure myself, telling myself i'd be fine. even if someone walked in, they'd probably just leave out of awkwardness. by tomorrow, they wouldn't even remember who they saw—most people here were either high or drunk anyway.

i was tugging at the zipper when the main door suddenly flew open. my blurry vision couldn't make out the person's face, but the silhouette told me it was a guy. he shut the door behind him and turned toward me, still standing by the entrance. i wanted to tell him to get out, to leave me alone, or even to help me—anything—but before i could say a word, a familiar voice cut through the haze.

"wooyoung, what the fuck?" it was san.