Finding The Life of a Victor ~ The Story of Katniss Everdeen

1

     I got back to District 12 about 2 months ago and everyday is the same. I wake up at dawn slashing around from a nightmare and accept that I will not be able to go back to sleep. Then, at around 6:00 I hear Sae walk into the house to make me breakfast and only occasionally will I eat it, Haymitch calls those days my 'good days'. Finally, after the daily lectures from Haymitch about how I can't spend everyday doing nothing, I go back to my room and sleep. Well, I don't actually sleep, I just lay there staring at the ceiling, drowning in my own thoughts. I know it's not the healthiest way I should live my life, but what else can I do? I've killed so many innocent people, and not just people, children. I've watched my friends and my sister die right in front of my own eyes, I pushed away Gale who was one of two people who really understood me, and the other person, I don't even know what he's up to right now. The only thing I can think to do is lay here in my own self pity and misery. There's no point in calling Dr. Aurelius, I'm beyond help. Everyday is the same. Nothing is new. Well, I guess there is one thing that's new.

     I've become addicted to cutting myself. It has the same effect as the morphling, it makes me numb. I don't do it just to do it. It usually happens during one of my breakdowns after a nightmare or thinking too much. When I have breakdowns I usually don't know why I'm hurting so much, so the cutting creates pain for me to nurture, and it's as if someone were there holding me and healing me emotionally. It just makes everything make sense when I do it. One slice to my skin says a over a thousand words I could never say. The only bad thing about it is that it's temporary. It makes me feel better in the moment, but after i'm done the regret sinks in. It's a painful cycle, but everything in my life is painful at this point so I don't really care. I do it anyway. I'll continue to do it anyway. At least there's one thing in my life to make me feel better.

     It's no surprise this morning  when I go downstairs and see Haymitch at the dining table and Sae in the kitchen. I sit down at the table across from Haymitch and Sae sets a plate in front of me even though she knows there's a good chance I won't eat it. I stare at it for a moment, Sae doesn't put much on my plate now, but it still makes me feel uneasy. In my peripheral vision, I see Haymitch staring at me with a look that clearly shows he hopes I'll eat, but deep down knows it's not going to happen. After about a minute or two of staring at it, I decide that I'll eat it to make Haymitch happy, but I'll just throw it up when I'm done.

     After I finish eating, which doesn't take long due to the small portion that Sae prepared, I look at Haymitch and see that he looks pleased. He pats me on the hand as if to say "well done" and I head up to my room. I sit down on my bed feeling guilty that I forced myself to eat, so I go to the bathroom, kneel down at the toilet, and force two fingers down my throat to throw it up. There isn't much to vomit so after about a minute of that I flush the toilet and just sit on the floor. I close my eyes and try to imagine a perfect life. Hunting with Gale, late nights with Peeta's arms wrapped around me, braiding my hair every morning, trading at the hob, watching my mother work on her patients, laughing with Prim. These are the things I see when I imagine a perfect life, and only one of those things is possible, braiding my hair, which I don't even have the energy to do anymore. So I sit on the floor and let the built up tears fall, for there is no one to see me cry.

     Once I stop crying, I don't know how much time has passed, but I don't hear the usual clatter of dishes and mumbling, so that means that Haymitch and Sae have left. I lay down in bed and try to go to sleep, which doesn't take long since I'm so burnt out from all the crying.

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     His fingers are wrapped up in my hair as he plays with it.

     "What are you doing?" I ask with a giggle. His soft hands feel so good as he runs his fingers through my hair.

     "Oh, nothing sweetheart. What are you doing?" He responds, teasing me with his sarcasm.

     "About to fall asleep if you don't stop!" I say with a yawn. He laughs as he pulls me up from his lap to his chest.

     "Oh, how I love you, Katniss Everdeen." He says with a quieter voice and a smile.

     "I love you too, Peeta Mellark." I respond just before he plants a kiss onto my lips.

     I wake up in a sweat, searching for the man in my dream, but he's not there. He hasn't been here. He won't ever come here again. He doesn't care about me anymore, the Capitol took the love out of him. After staring at the ceiling for a minute, hoping he'll burst through the door and confess his undying love for me, I realize even further that there is nothing left. No Prim, no Gale, no mother, and no Peeta. The reason I stayed alive during the Quell was to protect Peeta, and he's protected now. He's safe now. My job is done. I can go now. There is no point to life anymore, I've already made that clear to myself. Ever since the Quell and Prim's death, Peeta has been my entire life. Peeta is gone. My entire life is gone, therefore, there is no life left for me to live.

     I go downstairs a retrieve a knife from the kitchen. I run the blade against my arm a couple times where I usually do to test it's sharpness. Once I see blood start to appear, I decide that I will cut my veins and bleed to death. It's the most painful way I can think of. It's what I owe to Prim, Finnick, Rue, Boggs, Cinna, and so many more innocent people who lost their lives because of me. I decide to walk a couple houses down to Peeta's, hoping it still smells like the bread he used to make and paints he used to use. I break through the window and find that it does not still smell like the bread and paints. I go up to his old room where surely some of his old clothes and blankets still smell of him. I am relieved when I find that they do. After a moment of holding one of his old jackets, I can't resist the temptation to put it on. The feeling it gives me is so nostalgic yet so sickening because I know I'll never get to feel his arms wrapped around me again, I'll never hear his laugh again, I'll never see the love in his eyes again, and I'll never taste his lips again. After a moment or two of letting the tears fall, I hear the front door open and close.

     "Hello?" I yell to the intruder. Normally I wouldn't be so stupid as to yell at a potential robber or murderer, but seeing as I'm about to commit suicide, I don't see why I shouldn't at least try to protect Peeta's stuff before going. "whoever you are, I have a knife up here and I'll use it, so I suggest you just walk away!" I yell. I hear footsteps coming up the stairs, but no response, so I yell again, "hello?" The door opens.

     "Katniss! It's okay, it's just me." I stand there in shock for a moment before lowering the knife away from the familiar figure.

     "Peeta?" I say with a quiet and shaky voice.

A/N: If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health, please reach out to 911 or the suicide hotline at 988