Finding The Life of a Victor ~ The Story of Katniss Everdeen

3

     It's been 3 weeks since Peeta came home. The snow is beginning to melt and flowers are beginning to show up in the meadow. I've managed to keep my guard up when it comes to love, but I don't know how much longer I can keep that up with how much me and Peeta are with each other. Me and Peeta sit in the meadow at least twice a week and stare at the stars, we have dinner with Haymitch once a week, and Peeta stays the night every night. The only time he hasn't stayed the night was when Haymitch asked us if we were together, I blurted out 'no' and Peeta was quiet the rest of the night. He stayed at his house that night, but the next day he acted completely normal. It's obvious to anyone that our relationship is definitely not platonic, but I also can't risk falling in love with him again. If I fall for him again, the next time we get separated it'll kill me. I'm not saying us getting separated won't hurt even if I'm not with him, he's my best friend after all, but it won't hurt the way it does when you love somebody romantically.

     As time goes on, I notice Peeta staring at me more and more each day. I try not to let it affect me, but I can't help but blush a little, so I look away to hide it. It scares me a little to think he might be in love with me again, because what if he tries to force me to love him like Gale did? I know deep down that that's not who he is, but it still scares me.

     Today, Peeta and I are going to stare at the stars in the meadow. The breeze has picked up by the time we get there, making the bushes rustle. I look behind me quickly before I realize it's just the wind, but when I look to Peeta, he's on the ground in a fetal position with his hands on his ears. He's rocking back and forth and mumbling things like, "it's not real, it's not real, it's not real!" and I don't know if I should comfort him the same way he does for me. I don't think touching him in this state would be a good idea, so I avoid that option. Finally, I decide tell him comforting things like he does for me, but it doesn't work. I very cautiously place my hand on his back, and there isn't a bad reaction from him, so with my other hand, I run my fingers through his hair. Next, I do something I never thought I'd do again, I sing.

     Deep in the meadow, under the willow,

There's an immediate reaction from him when I sing these first lines.

     a bed of grass, a soft green pillow,

     lay down your head, and close your eyes,

     and when they open, the sun will rise,

He uncovers his ears.

     here it's safe, here it's warm,

     here the daisies guard you from every harm,

     here your dreams are sweet, and tomorrow brings them true,

     here is the place 

There's a look of anticipation on his face, for the next line I assume.

     where I love you

     He looks at me with eyes that want me to say something, but I don't know what I should say.

     "Thank you." He says, looking sort of entranced by something on my face, or is it my face he's entranced by? I don't think I can stay here with him without kissing him or something, so I tell him we should go back home. He agrees with a nod.

     As we walk back, the air feels very tense with anticipation, but all of that fades away when I feel his hand slip into mine. I don't object it. I can't. It's not that I don't want to be with him, but I can't. I can't risk getting hurt again. It's not his fault, it's not mine, it's just the universe and it's ways of driving people mad. I guess Snow was right about one thing, it's the people we love the most that destroy us. Even now with the war over and the districts free, I wish I had eaten those berries. I wouldn't be heartbroken about this, I wouldn't be grieving my sister and so many others, Peeta would still have his family, I would be with my father, but it's too late for that. I've destroyed Peeta in so many ways already, my death would result in his. This isn't something I'm telling myself to make myself feel better or to convince myself that he loves me. This is a devastating fact I know. I don't want to be cause of his death, I never have wanted that and I never will. 

     It's no surprise when Peeta follows me up to my room. He stays here so much, he has a drawer full of his clothes here. I go to the bathroom and take a shower, and when I'm done he does the same. When he gets out of the shower, I go downstairs to get water, giving him time to put on clothes. I know he's noticed me doing this regularly, but he doesn't mention it. I guess he remembered how 'pure' I am. When I go back upstairs, he's sitting upright in bed with his sketchbook.

     "What are you drawing?" I ask.

     "Well, Dr. Aurelius said that when I have flashbacks, drawing them out can help, so that's what I'm doing." He responds. It makes sense I guess, like a transfer from your mind to the paper.

     "Can I see?" I ask.

     "Yea." He hands me the sketchbook and I see a drawing of some kind of beast lurking behind some bushes. I guess that explains the flashback today, the rustling of the bushes. I sit next to him and point at the beast.

     "Is this me?" I ask, scared for the answer, but I'd rather have the truth. He stays silent. "Peeta, if you're having flashbacks about me then I won't be offended if you stay at your house tonight."

     "No! Please Katniss, I'm okay, I swear! Please, I don't want to be alone tonight." He begs. Dr. Aurelius said the chances of Peeta hurting me are close to none, and I don't want to leave him alone like this, so I nod and lay down with him. 

     With my head on his chest, I close my eyes and try to fall asleep, until Peeta speaks up.

     "Katniss?"

     "Yes?" I reply.

     "Can I move in?" He asks, trying not to sound selfish. The question surprises me, and I know that if that happens, there's no way I'll be able to resist the temptation of loving him, but I also can't say no. It's not like I don't want him to, because I really do want him to live here, but it'll kill me everyday knowing that I'm living with my friend and not my lover. My voice can't find itself until finally the words, "of course!" come out. The smile on his face after I respond is so sweet and beautiful, I don't know how I'm going to live with myself.

     I lay back down on his chest and begin to drift off again, when he speaks three words that change everything.

     "I love you." He whispers just loud enough for me to hear. For a moment, I want to cry, because there's no way I can live a happy life knowing this information and trying to stay platonic, but then I have another thought. Why can't I love Peeta? I've been telling myself it's so that our next separation won't hurt so bad, but when was our separation guaranteed? There's nothing to separate us anymore. Not the Games, not the Capitol, not Snow, so why am I so afraid? I suppose that if even after the fire bombing of District 12 the flowers can still bloom, then I can start to love Peeta Mellark again.

     A moment has passed since he said it, and I start to feel bad that I haven't given him an answer, but after another moment, I realize he wasn't expecting one. So I rest my hand on his, giving him indication that I'm not saying I don't love him, I'm just not there yet, and he kisses me on the forehead in response.