Team orders- autistic Oscar Piastri, ADHD Lando Norris

12: forward movement

Oscar's POV:

"Hi Oscar, can you hear me?"

"Yep, copy. Sorry, yea," I was such an idiot and in autopilot had answered like I was on the radio.

"That's alright. I'm Kasper."

"Nice to meet you."

"You too. Just wanted to check, you're happy with no cameras, just audio?"

"Yep."

"Would you maybe like just my camera to be on or just yours?"

"Neither?" I said, slightly afraid of being told no.

"Yep okay, perfect with me just wanted to make sure you were totally comfortable." He talked in this kind of monotone way that was comforting and calm and made sense.

"I'll just run through a few ground rules if that's okay?"

"Mhm." I half mumbled, hoping the microphone would pick it up because I really didn't know what the appropriate thing to say in return would be. Without realising, I started rocking myself back and forth slightly.

"These sessions are your choice. We will do as many or as few as you want. You decide the timings too so you can pick when they work best for you. I don't recommend going over an hour but if multiple sessions a week, moving round the race weekend calendar and schedule works then we can do that too. If you want to stop a session at any point, you can. If you want to take a short break at any point you can do that too, okay?"

"Okay."

"Great. All information shared in our sessions will remain totally private and between us unless I have reason to believe that you or others are in danger. In which case, I'm legally required to alert safeguarding officers within McLaren and if necessary, emergency services. Does that make sense?" I nodded, still a bit in shock after hearing all of that. "Oscar?"

Oh yea, I had to actually verbally answer, "yes, sorry I forgot to unmute my mic."

"Ah well no worries. If you're ready to start, just pick anything and get talking."

"Oh, well uh, I'm not sure."

"Can I ask a question? Would that be helpful as a starting place?"

"Yes please." I said, rocking harder now and being aware of it. But stopping made me feel like curling up in a ball and slamming the laptop shut so I just kept doing it. No one else could see, and it would be fine it i let it happen just this once.

"What made you agree to having a session with me today?"

"Things feel like kind of a lot at the moment and not in a good way." I said after a bit of silence which had somehow not been as awkward as normal.

"That's okay, can you identify something in particular that has caused that overwhelmed feeling?"

"Well I just won my first race but it went a bit wrong, I don't know how much you know about that."

"I know the basics."

"I uh, it's sort of sent me into a bit of a spiral. Like maybe I'm not good enough or not right as a person? Like I'm wrong?"

"Is that a new feeling Oscar?" I paused, it wasn't a new feeling, it was such an old feeling, it had been sat within me for so long and it hurt. "You don't have to answer anything you don't want to, we can talk about something else."

"No, it's not a new feeling. I've always felt wrong."

"Wrong how?"

"Like everyone else is right and I'm just... wrong. Something's different about me and others don't like it so I hide it and then I try to be the person people want me to be but that's exhausting, so sometimes it's easier to just not really do anything at all, so I go all calm and quiet and don't let anyone see anything's bothering me."

"That sounds exhausting and very difficult."

"It's normal."

"Do you think that's what everyone is doing?"

"No I meant, it's normal for me. I've been doing it for as long as I can remember."

"That doesn't mean it's what you're supposed to do, you do realise that?" Did i? Did I realise that? Did I even known there was another way of living that wasn't this one?

Lando's POV:

As soon as I got in the door, Max asked how the psychologist appointment had gone.

"It was good actually, like a lot better than the last lady and it kind of helped."

"That's good," he said, a goofy smile on his face.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I'm just glad you're okay, haven't seen you upset like last night in a while."

"I'm really sorry about that."

"Don't be, you've seen me like that. It's normal, I'm just glad we both have someone to talk to who sort of gets it."

"Well thanks, and thanks for helping me to realise that the psychologist might be better than I first thought."

"Did it really go that well?"

"Well Jon stayed the whole time."

"Okay?" Max said, shifting on the sofa.

"No I wanted him to, it was my choice. Everything was kind of my choice. But I felt better having Jon there. He knows me and anytime I got stressed that I was being too much he'd just catch my eye and smile and things felt alright."

"But the psychologist was okay too?"

"Yea, he was nice. Calm but not boring. He fidgeted with a toy the whole time which make me feel better about constantly readjusting my watch."

"What do you mean a toy?"

"Like one of those plastic, bendy, kids toys, he had a bunch of them on the table, all different types."

"Like fidget toys?"

"Huh?"

"Sensory toys, fidget toys. They're normally used for neurodivergent people but they get recommended for people with mental health issues a bunch too, I got a couple stashed in my room that I use when things get a bit much sometimes."

"Oh."

"Would you like to see?"

I stood, mouth open, looking at Max dumbfounded. I didn't really known what to say. Max got up quietly and I followed him to his bedroom. From a small box in the back of the drawer of his bedside table he brought out some fidget toys. Some of them looked similar to the ones in Kasper's office. He picked out one and gave it to me, "that's a fidget cube, each side has something different on it. So you can pick which ones work for you best or use all of them at different points."

"It's cool." I said, running my fingers along all the sides, working out which ones I liked best.

"We can get you one you know?"

"Nah, I'll be fine, I don't need it."

"But it might help?" I thought about how some stupid toy like this might actually save my nails from constantly being picked it. Or my watch. Or my phone case. (I still needed to replace that.) But then I thought about using it in meetings or in interviews and how everyone might judge me and I immediately confirmed to Max I didn't need it. He looked at me like he didn't believe me before bringing out a couple more for me to look at. I did my best to look uninterested in these. I didn't need them. It would be too weird. It wasn't weird for Max, people understand it with him. They wouldn't understand it for me.

A/n Thanks for reading! Still working on this story but now I've split it into several parts. So this first book will have 20 chapters and then it will go on to the 2nd. Anyway, enjoy reading!