breakeven // aaron hotchner

first year

tw: miscarriage

aaron wrapped his arms around elia's waist, placing his head on her shoulder, comfortingly rubbing her arms as the breeze sent goosebumps up her arms.

"do you think he's mad at us?" elia asks softly

"no, baby" aaron shakes his head

during her fourth month of pregnancy and her second month of law school, elia had suffered a late term miscarriage. her and aaron were making dinner when elia had hobbled over in pain, blood trickling down her thighs.

it took elia and aaron some time to recover, but now, they'd just finished their first year of law school, and they were stronger than ever. but of course, neither of them had walked away unscathed. they thought about their son everyday. and they'd promised each other that they'd make the most of their lives in honor of him. that they'd never forget him. elia and aaron worked harder after the loss of their son. the work allowed themselves a distraction, and the times they spent together outside of school was spent grieving. but aaron and elia had walked out of it stronger than before.

"will you want another one?" elia asks nervously.

deep down, she was afraid that maybe this had been it for them. that aaron wouldn't be able to do this again. or that maybe he thought she was...defective somehow.

"will you?" he responds, gently turning her around to face him.

aaron had similar fears. that maybe this had been too much for her. that she'd be scared to try again. ever since it happened, he'd watched her so carefully. praying that she'd be okay and that she'd recover. that they'd survive this. and they had, but the thought that this was it for her scared him.

"i think so. but...not for a while" elia nods, and aaron nods in agreement.

"till after the bar"

"till after the bar" she agrees, a soft smile on her face.

they both turn back to the small pot with the vibrant zinnias blooming out of it. elia had chosen zinnia's to bury their son under because of the one fact that zinnia's attracted butterflies. she thought that maybe it meant that her son would want to visit them every now and then.

"come on, let's go inside sweetheart. you're freezing." aaron says, gently pulling her arm to coax her inside.

"yeah." elia nods, and aaron kisses the side of her head before opening their balcony door and bringing her inside their warm apartment.

once they'd graduated, they moved out closer to d.c in order to be closer to school. they'd picked out a quaint apartment in a good neighborhood. not too close to the college complexes but not too far from the school. they both were specializing in criminal law, which helped them be able to spend more time together. they joined the same study groups and took a lot of the same classes. this meant they were able to do homework together. which helped improve their relationship and allowed them to stay connected during one of the most time consuming parts of their lives.

that night, elia and aaron crawled into bed, aaron cradling her in his arms as they both tried to sleep. despite the school year being over, they still hadn't gotten their exam results, making them as anxious as ever.

"how do you feel about ice cream?" elia blurts out

"i love ice cream" aaron quickly agrees, both of them throwing on sweaters and interlocking their hands as they make their way out of their apartment and towards the small shopping square a couple of blocks away.

"do you ever think about aliens?"

"aliens?" aaron quirks his eyebrow at the girl, a small chuckle leaving his mouth

"yeah. not like the little green guys but like...actual life. out there" she says, waving her hand up at the sky

aaron stops in his stride before he lets a few laughs escape. next thing they know, they're both erupting in laughter, doubling over and clutching at each other in tears kind of laughter. as the laughter subsides, they both just smile at each other.

"we're gonna be okay" aaron nods.

elia nods her head and intertwines their fingers, guiding them back to their ice cream journey.

"yeah. we're gonna be okay" she nods in confirmation

"and yes. sometimes i do think about aliens."

"what do you think they're like?" she asks, staring up at the stars.

"i think...it's an equally terrifying scenario."

the girl furrows her eyebrows up at him.

"how do you mean?"

"if there's something out there and we just don't know about it, that's terrifying. but if we're all alone in the entirety of space, that's just as terrifying."

elia lets out a deep breath, nodding her head.

"that was pretty deep" she breathes out, making aaron roll his eyes and elbow her slightly.

"you're lucky i love you" he smirks

"yeah...i am."