Nova's Universe

Chapter 16 (2014)

Luna Dora

A few weeks into our summer vacation, the last one before Aoede would head off to her much-anticipated Muggle college, my big sister kindly reminded me about our conversation in my room. It was the day after her Ball, the one where she broke up with Noah.

At first, I hesitated to take her up on the offer. Searching online, to see if anyone else felt as weird as me for not having a crush, seemed like a good idea. But at the same time, I was terrified of what we might find. Scenarios raced through my head: What if nobody else felt this way? What if something was actually wrong with me – how could we explain that to our parents?

On the other hand, a persistent question gnawed at me: What if it turned out to be no big deal, opening a whole new world to explore?

In the end, I gave in. Struggling to find myself, I felt like I never truly belonged – not with my family, not with my friends. I had a feeling it was somehow connected to this. Maybe it was just teenage hormones, and I'd be fine in a few years. But what if it wasn't?

"Are you sure you want to do this? It was just a suggestion," Aoede asked gently as we walked down the stairs. The house was eerily quiet, a rare occurrence. Mum was at the Sanctuary, to get a report on the new creature that arrived a few days ago. A Griffin, or was it a Graphorn? I always got their names confused. Dad was at work, with Roggie in tow as usual during summer breaks.

"I'm sure," I mumbled, taking a shallow breath that did little to calm my nerves. Aoede settled onto the sofa, and I hovered awkwardly behind her.

"Okay, then come here," she said, patting her lap. I hesitantly approached, realizing this was my last chance to back out. Aoede wrapped me in a big sister hug, and I knew escape was no longer an option. "What should we type in?"

"I... I don't know," I stammered, my mind a complete blank.

"How about 'Why don't I have a crush like everyone else?'" she suggested, tilting her head to gauge my reaction.

"That's good," I agreed, nodding as she started typing.

"Wait, no. I can't do this," I panicked, my voice rising as those words appeared on the screen.

"Hey, Dora, calm down." Aoede set the iPad in my lap, then gently squeezed my shoulders and turned me to face her. "There's nothing wrong with you, okay? We don't have to do this if you're not comfortable."

I bit my lip, trying to control the tremors shaking my entire body. What was it about this that made me so curious yet terrified at the same time?

"No, let's... let's look a bit," I mumbled, turning back around and placing the iPad back in her lap.

"Okay, but tell me if it feels overwhelming at any point. We can shut off the iPad whenever you want, alright?"

"Okay," I whispered. Her finger scrolled slowly down the screen as my eyes scanned the titles.

"How about this one? 'Everyone Seems to Have a Crush, What's Wrong With Me?' That sounds familiar, doesn't it?" Aoede suggested softly.

"That's exactly what I'm wondering," I pointed with my finger, wanting to click on it but lacking the courage.

"Before we click on this, I want to repeat that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you," Aoede said firmly.

"Well, if someone else is asking this same question, then maybe I'm not alone, even if there is something different about me," I offered a small shrug.

"Exactly," Aoede said, pulling me into a tighter hug, "and there's nothing wrong with being different. But trust me, there's nothing wrong with you."

"Okay," I mumbled.

It felt like an eternity before my trembling finger finally tapped the screen, opening a new page. "What does it say?" I asked, squeezing my eyes shut the moment I saw the click register.

"You can read, Dora," Aoede pointed out gently.

"I have my eyes closed!"

"Are you scared?"

"Yes, please read it to me," I mumbled, my fear paralyzing me.

"Okay, it seems like a chat forum," Aoede began, summarizing the content. "This girl is asking if something's wrong with her because she's never had a crush."

"That's exactly how I feel," I whispered, nodding in agreement.

"She says she doesn't think she's asexual, but maybe demisexual. There are other responses too. One person identifies as asexual but took a long time to figure it out. Another thought they were asexual but realized they were demisexual after forming a deep connection with someone."

"I don't understand any of those terms," I sighed, feeling lost.

"Me neither," Aoede admitted. "Let's research them together." She opened a new tab and typed in the words we just learned. "See any titles that catch your eye?"

"I'm so sorry, I squeezed my eyes shut again!" I mumbled.

"No worries, let me check and read it to you," Aoede assured me.

"Thank you," I whispered.

"Here it goes," Aoede began. "Asexuality is a natural variation in human sexuality, like being gay, lesbian, or bisexual. It means someone experiences little to no sexual attraction to others. There are different terms under this umbrella, like 'romantic asexual' which describes feeling romantic attraction but little to no sexual attraction. And demisexual people only experience sexual or romantic attraction after forming a strong emotional bond with someone."

Silence filled the room as Aoede finished reading. It was a lot to process.

"So, all these feelings, or lack thereof, could be because of my sexuality?" I asked, confused yet hopeful. This new information felt like a key that might unlock some things.

"It's possible. Does any of this seem familiar?"

"I don't think I've formed a strong emotional connection with anyone," I mused. "Maybe asexuality fits me better then?"

"Let's explore that further," Aoede agreed, tapping the screen.

"Would you mind terribly if I want to do some reading on my own now?"

The topic had ignited my curiosity. My mind buzzed with questions and possibilities. I wanted to delve deeper alone.

"Not at all," Aoede replied, her smile evident even though I couldn't see it. "Take your time. I'll be upstairs, okay?" She gently squeezed my shoulders and I helped her up from the sofa.

"Okay," I nodded, sinking back into the cushions. "Thank you, DeeDee. This means a lot. I'm glad we did this together."

"That's what sisters are for," she said, beaming. She leaned down and gave me a tight hug.

As I read online conversations, I felt a profound sense of belonging for the first time. It was like reading a story about myself, finally getting to know the real me. I clicked from link to link, determined to learn everything about this new identity. A story by a boy resonated deeply – it mirrored how I felt around my friends. Pages were filled with people describing experiences and asking questions that mirrored my own. I read about attraction, relationships, societal pressures, and discovered the existence of queerplatonic relationships. This sparked even more exploration – I had 27 tabs open! I hadn't noticed Mum come back and start dinner. Dad and Roggie's arrival went completely unnoticed too.

I felt different going to bed that night. I felt fulfilled and understood. I felt happy knowing that nothing was wrong with me and above all I felt like I finally belonged. I was forever grateful to have a big sister like Aoede who offered to help me with this as I knew I was not brave enough to do it on my own.