Clandestine

Page One

Would you blame me if I thought it was love? I was blinded by the actions that we took without realizing the words that come into our mouths every time there's a question of, "What are we?"

"We are just friends," was our rehearsed answer.

Are we really just friends?

Those Saturday nights we spent covered in sheets, listening to each other's heavy breaths, are just casual to you? Our laughter echoes in the four corners of my apartment, and you're holding me close to you. You held me tight, never letting me out of your embrace, and I felt like I belonged there right next to you.

Would you blame me if I fell? I fell asleep in your arms, and when I woke up, I caught you looking at me with a smile on your face. You fixed my hair and kissed my forehead. How are those just casual to you?

I held your hand like my life depends on it. I never felt the need to question us because I'm happy and content with how things were. I always feel at peace when I'm with you, but when I'm alone, I'm scared of so many things.

Mornings are fine, but then the sun goes down and my pretend facade is gone; that one question haunts me.

What are we?

Just friends. I reminded myself, even when I could still feel your lips on mine.

Just friends.

I look into your eyes.

Do all your friends touch you like I did?

I painfully chuckled every time. Why would I ask for something that I didn't have in the first place? I mistook our actions for something that I called love.

Love, really? Am I even capable to love? I don't know.

I put so much meaning on those random Fridays that I did not realize that I would lose him on a random Saturday night. I grieved our faded connection.

Suddenly, everything was about you. Similar cars excite me because I always think that they might be yours, but I always end up disappointed. I miss you at night when I can't sleep. I'm looking for you each day that passes. I'm searching for you in the crowd, hoping that you'd show up, but I couldn't find you anymore. Now my nights are cold and my heart is wrecked.

I chase every trace of you in every place we've been together to find comfort but end up longing for your presence more. Then I look up at the moon, hoping that you were looking at it too. That comforts the deepest and darkest side of me.

I saw you for the first time in a while. I expected to see the same man who warms my cold flesh yet I know deep down that somethings has already changed.

I found a different man. That's when I knew that what happened at those clandestine meetings was just for fun and casual. It doesn't need to be remembered because those things between us shouldn't have happened in the first place.

I never felt so lonely until you came, and I have become lonelier now that we are done.