Clandestine

Page Four

I used to dream about something so small, like a lollipop as a token of good behavior. Three stars for a perfect quiz score. Anticipating the weekend, Saturdays were mall days or Sundays were family days.

The moment I felt my mom's tender loving care of me and my siblings, as a child, I knew I would become like her. My family is everything, and I knew one day I would build my own happy home. Later on, I wanted to become a teacher when I saw my grade school teacher so passionate about what she was doing. Then, I went to my father's workplace, and I realized I want to build a skyscraper one day.

I am a child of sickness growing up, I met kind doctors and nurses around taking care of me when I was burning with fever; images of me as a grown woman taking care of people made me smile. However, I kind of love how flight attendants dress on their flights, I giggled. As a child, I used to dream of so many things, and the confidence to achieve all of it is beyond the horizon.

Until I realized that the horizon is an imaginary line, marking the boundary of what's visible. When I reached beyond my childhood's horizon, I didn't know it was this hard and blurry. Things are starting to become complicated.

It all started when I didn't get to have the tree house I dreamed of when I was six. Though it was understandable since we don't have a tree in our backyard that's strong enough for a tree house. But then, when I was eleven, I didn't have stars on my wrist anymore. Each year I grew, the less I rested on the weekend.

Adulthood is tough, huh?

Then I met this boy, and suddenly I thought one of my dreams would come true. He talked like poetry. He's older, yet he's gentle. At sixteen, I was already looking forward to reaching another horizon of my teenage self. I want to grow old fast and marry the man of my dreams. I met him when I was full of dreams.

Yet at eighteen my world turns upside down. I became an adult and lost. In between my dark and confused days, I made a decision to stop whatever there is between me and the boy. We talked and shared bonds, but the idea of making it official is scary.

I used to dream of a wedding, yes. A husband and a family of my own. How it feels so good to have a future wrapped in someone's arm for better and for worse. But somewhere along the way, something has changed.

I'm not sure anymore of what I want.

My world has crumbled down. The eagerness to achieve something for myself is so hard that settling down with someone in the future is impossible. The journey is tough for a child who is forced to face adulthood in the blink of an eye. To see how all my dreams fall into oblivion. To accept that not everything will go according to my plans but His. It is a life-and-death battle. It changed me. It made me wiser and more aware of my circles.

When I was a child, life was calm and peaceful. Now that I've grown up, I strive to have peace and calmness in the midst of chaos.

The child of dreams is lost somewhere along the way. Something has changed. The responsibilities are intact. The demanding world of adulthood is overwhelming.

I didn't become a teacher or a doctor, not even a nurse. Building a skyscraper is not even my passion. I thought of a family, not either. I can't even take care of myself properly when I'm sick.

All I know is to earn and sleep.

I was rushing to reach the horizon that I failed to appreciate the stars from afar. That even if I don't get to stay in the line, I could still see the sun set kissing the ocean for a promise of tomorrow. It always made me think that even the powerful sun rests when it's time, so why can't I? Why am I rushing, though?

The wind blew, carrying the dreams that I needed to let go.

I smiled and looked at the fragments of light from the resting sun. The moon takes charge of the night. It's getting quieter and more peaceful. Then I remember I may never have achieved all of my dreams yet. On one of those nights when I struggled most, I wished for a peaceful one, and here I am.

I let go of my dreams, but in the back of my mind, I knew I would regret one for the rest of my life.

The boy I met when I was sixteen.

I miss him. I could feel him anywhere but not here beside me. He's not a horizon or a star. He's like the sun to my lonely morning and the moon on my darkest night. He's out of my reach. To see him is a wish, to hear his voice again is one thing, and to love him loudly is another dream. I used to dream of so many things, and now I just dream of one thing: him.