Clandestine

Page Six

I used to cut my hair to forget and start anew, like the lengths of it held the memories I needed to let go. My hair he plays with when he's bored lying beside me or when he's patting when I did a great job like a good girl. The hair that feels the warmth of his breath when my heart is cold. The kiss of goodnight, the cuddles of comfort, and the sweet gestures of the untold words.

I pruned my hair along with its warmth. The cold enveloped my behind. My head feels light, but my mind is heavy.

It doesn't change a thing. I'm still the same. I can still feel it, the longing and the feel of his breaths against it. My eyes still look the same: sad and broken. The pain only deepened, and the longing for everything became more intense.

Nothing changed.

The river still flows even though the trees around it are cut down. It flows until it reaches the end of the waterfall. The water is violent, and despite the stones in its path, the force of the water's flow caused it to fall on its own. Like tears in our eyes, no matter how hard we try to stop them from flowing, even if there is a stone blocking our throat stopping ourselves to cry, tears will still fall bearing the weight of our shattered heart.

I might try to change the way I look, but the eyes are pellucid. They never lie. It cried the emotions out when our mouth couldn't speak.

It doesn't change the fact that I cannot feel your presence anymore. That cutting my hair makes me feel more cold and lonely.

And when I saw a picture of me, hair long and happy eyes, I missed myself along with you. Still, I never forget about you. That, despite everything, the realization drawn at me all the time; in the morning when I wake up alone in the bed where I used to sleep with you, or even in my free time when I used to message you and at night when the chills of our memories play in my dreams.

Life was good with you in it. It still does after you. I just thought I could get used to your absence, but years had passed, and the tree we planted in our backyard was cut and replaced with flowers. Still, I couldn't get over that one fateful night. When I let my feelings flow along with the kiss that sealed the words inside my head.

It's for the best.

You let me go and move forward eventually. I was left defeated. If the universe will be kind enough to me, I wish we will find our way back together, and if we won't, I hope I will never see or hear from you again.