Lavender Haze

Chapter Two

Mama.

Nasa tabi ako ni Mama hanggang sa huling paghinga niya. Halos dalawang taon na simula nang mawala siya, pero walang gabi na hindi ko siya napapanaginipan. Dahil na rin siguro alam ko kung gaano ko siya kailangan. Lalo na ngayon, lalo sa mga panahong ganito.

Lumaki akong kaming dalawa lang ni Mama kaya siguro siya natakot na iwan akong mag-isa. She was my rock, my constant. I was only sixteen when she died, just a teenager on the brink of becoming an adult, suddenly thrust into a world that seemed colder and more unforgiving. Hindi niya alam, wala siyang alam sa mga kalalabasan ng kaniyang desisyon noon. She had married again three years before her death, hoping to provide me with a sense of stability, a father figure to guide me. She had believed that this man, who had come into our lives with promises of care and security, would be able to offer me the support she knew she couldn't always give.

Nagkamali si Mama at hindi man lamang siya nabigyan ng pagkakataong malaman iyon. Her faith in him was misplaced. Ang akala niya'y magagabayan at maaalagaan ako ni Ricardo kagaya ng siyang ipinangako nito sa kaniya, siyang ipinakita nito noong una. I wish she had known, wish she could have seen the reality of the situation before it was too late.

Ibinaling ko ang aking tingin sa dagat. Nasa liblib na bahagi ako ng pampang, nakakubli sa malalaking bato sa takot na mapagdiskitahan na naman ng mga batang naglalaro sa mga bangkang nakahilera sa dalampasigan. Hindi rin ako masyadong lumayo sa bahay ni Manang Rosa para madali lang takbuhin sakaling may bumato na naman sa akin.

I watched as the waves rolled in, their frothy fingers reaching out to touch my feet before retreating back into the vast expanse of the sea. Each time the water lapped at my ankles, it felt like a fleeting connection to something larger, something beyond the confines of my pain and struggle. Marami ang natatakot sa dagat pero ako, napapayapa ako tuwing pinagmamasdan ko ito. Naiisip ko kasi na sa laki at lalim nito ay kayang-kaya nitong lunukin ang lahat ng problema sa mundo. I couldn't help but wonder if I could ever be as light and transient as the waves, if maybe, just maybe, the sea would swallow me whole if I let myself become as weightless as the water itself.

If I could become as insubstantial as a ripple on the surface, perhaps I could escape the relentless tide of pain and disappointment that had become my reality. Maybe if I surrendered to the sea, I could find peace.

Iniyakap ko ang aking mga braso sa nakatiklop kong mga tuhod. Minsan ay hindi ko maiwasang maisip kung gaano kaiba ang buhay ko ngayong sakaling hindi iniwan ng tatay ko si Mama. My real father had left before I was even born, an American soldier who had vanished once he realized my mother was pregnant. He never met me, never saw me grow up. Pero hindi nagkulang si Mama sa pagkukuwento sa akin tungkol sa kaniya. The features that drew so much attention to me were inherited from him. Iyon ang palaging sinasabi sa akin ni Mama, lahat ay nakuha ko sa kaniya. Kahit hindi ko siya kilala, minana ko ang lahat sa tatay kong walang paninindigan. I often wondered if he would have been proud, or if he would have remained indifferent. His absence left a void that my mother struggled to fill on her own, but she did her best, pouring all her love and effort into raising me alone. Hindi ko naman na kinailangan ng tatay kaya hindi ko maintindihan noon kung bakit kailangan pa niyang magpakasal sa iba. I had become aware of her reason nang lumala na ang sakit niya at hindi niya na iyon makuha pang itago sa akin.

The pain of her loss is a complex and persistent ache. Her love and sacrifice shaped me, but so did the harsh realities that followed her death. Akala niya'y naprotektahan niya ako.

"Nag-iisa ka na naman,"

Napapiksi ako mula sa aking pag-iisip nang marinig ang pamilyar na baritonong tinig na iyon mula sa aking likuran. I didn't know someone was around somewhere. Ang akala ko'y ako lang ang tao sa bahaging ito ng isla. I turned quickly, my heart racing as I caught sight of the man from yesterday emerging from behind the giant rocks. Iyong nakakita sa akin sa likod ng halamanan, naririto siyang muli.