Crowned With Crime

Rule with an iron fist

Being a boss is like running a zoo. You think your employees are your friends? Ha! Nonsense. If you show them an ounce of sympathy, they'll eat you alive. So, if you want to live long, you'll have to learn to make them jump through hoops, even if they're on fire.

A boss knows how to manage two fronts at once. While I was being celebrated in triumph in the great hall of Lyubeck, my troops were taking over a bandit hideout south of the city.

For too long, that scoundrel-filled town has attacked my carts along the road to Essen. Now, the attacks are over, at least, the attacks on my wagons are. You've got to give those old crooks something to keep them busy.

A few murders by moonlight, repaint the walls, and raise flags with my family's colors, and voilà, the place is mine. Of course, it's not very legal, but hey, do you think anyone will come to defend the... poor?

However, I've got a huge problem: there's no more iron in the region. And without iron, no armor; without armor, no money; and without money... no money. Horror! I'd rather not even think about it.

And to add to the ongoing mess, in addition to the craftsmen from Grandpa's forge, now it's the old women from Grandma's sewing workshop who are starting to die off one by one. We'll have to hire. What a waste of time! And after that, we'll have to train them, teach them everything again, blah blah blah.

If only these machines could work by themselves, it would give those employees time to live their lives as they please.

Anyway, even if I'm having some issues with craftsmanship, politics, on the other hand, is opening doors wide for me. I'm barely 40 years old, I'm a wealthy landowner, and I have no political rivals for the top position.

I just need to watch out for lawsuits. Not for me, though. I'm just a poor innocent woman. It's the other family members we should worry about, especially Papa Henry. He's got a list of offenses longer than a donkey's tail. But hey, who cares, right? Now that I'm elected, I have the state's services to take care of the people. So, no need to argue. Stand up and go beat up my rivals for me.

Ah, well, the common folk sure come in handy, don't they? Brave guys willing to die for you, and they actually do. I ask them to attack a rival guild's house, and off they go, fighting to beat up a competitor for the mayor's office.

By the way, I also ask them to rough up the local kids a little, you know, nothing much, just to get them in the right mood. And there you go, a little coma never hurt anyone.

Meanwhile, I start enjoying the view of the city. You can see my men everywhere, randomly beating people up in the streets. There! Respect, you owe me respect.

Fortunately, with half my competitors in a coma, moving up to higher positions has become almost insultingly easy.

Ho ho ho ho, are you watching, Grandpa? Look at how I'm doing in a few years what you couldn't achieve in a century.

However, Papa Henry won't make it to the next position despite my relentless attempts at bribery. The vote ends in a tie, and the position goes back to the one we put in a coma. And all because the ruler of Lyubeck voted against us.

Well, bravo. All because my husband tried to kill him. How mature! Get over it. I mean, it happened just the day before yesterday.

Anyway, here I am, master of the Lyubeck guild, one step closer and one step away from the final position. Papa Henry and Champlain are also in the race, but now I've got the whole Capécia family on my tail : Octavia Capécia and Olden Capécia, both in the positions of executioner and landowner.

I can't let multiple members of the same family hold important positions, or they'll end up forming an alliance against me.

So, the usual tactic, right? Spy on the family home to see if the couple has any dirty laundry they'd be afraid to air.