Crowned With Crime

The Duties of a Queen

The throne is mine, it belongs to my family. Being a queen is like being a boss. Your people constantly complain that there's nothing to eat, that there's too much crime, that they're forced to work like slaves... but now that I'm queen, I have to care about it.

Our empire is vast: food, weapons, wood, clothing, assassins, bankers, and sometimes both at the same time. I am the queen of the city. My husband and son are destined to become my most loyal generals, while the corpses of my enemies rot in the stinking gutters of this shitty city called Lyubeck.

My new position as queen allows me to freely dip into the state's coffers, and I don't hold back. 7,000 gold coins—it's perfect timing because I needed to renovate my toilets.

What? Everyone does it. I wasn't about to change 1,000 years of history and tradition of embezzling public funds. Traditions are important.

But normally, I shouldn't need to resort to it all the time, well, normally, of course. And anyway, iron is once again abundant in the markets, so I can finally restart my forge. This time, I won't repeat the same mistakes. I take the opportunity to stockpile as much iron and strategic materials as possible: silver, gold, wood, bronze, and I set aside reserves to prepare for potential shortages.

So you're probably wondering, what's left to conquer when you have everything at your disposal? Yes, but conquering power is one thing, keeping it is another. This city is full of people who are jealous of me and my family's success, and I know it. I will burn their houses, I will slit their children's throats so that my family can live for 1,000 years.

At the top of the list is the Capécia family. This band of worms, dressed in green, dare to insult me. I will slit their throats in a duel, no one will take power from me, otherwise, I will make sure they perish in the flames of hell.

So I tried to have my opponent assassinated the night before the duel, but that's not done: "it's not in the traditions." Well, never mind, so I equip myself with our heaviest armor, a solid helmet, and our best weapons. I train day and night to build muscle. I even got myself a coach.

They will see what they will see, I may be 71 years old, but I can still kick some ass.

The long-awaited day of the duel has arrived, and to my great surprise, the referee hands me a pistol. What? What are these toys? I thought we were supposed to fight with swords, like real men. Come here so I can rip your balls off and make a necklace out of them.

But no, duels are modern now. Careful, you have to use these pistols. Except I don't know how to use these toys, I don't know these things. These newfangled technologies are crap. That cursed scoundrel dodges my shots and hits me twice, and there I go, losing the duel.

Bravo, bravo to him, it was a good match! No, no, I'm not bitter, the better one won. Just be careful when you go home, I heard the streets are dangerous.

That miserable dog! I have him slit by three of my men in a dark alley before he has time to savor his victory and tell his children about it. So, are you happy now, huh? Was it worth it? Remember, I'm a very sore loser.

My bank is now in full swing. In the past, most of our profits came from the forges, but now that the building is fully completed, we can mint our own gold coins. And with that comes a lot of enemies. Look at them, all wanting my gold, nearly every other house, in fact. To them, we have become public enemy number one.

I don't understand why they hate us. What have I done to deserve such hatred? Well, never mind, so be it then. So, I'm going to set fire to their houses with their wives and children inside. Didn't anyone ever tell you not to cross women?

Yes, I know, it's a bit extreme as a tactic, but it can be very useful. It helps to reignite the spark in our relationship. I also take the opportunity to move to the next stage of my plan. I've called it "Foreigners out of the country" and by foreigners, I mean anyone who isn't family. And it's perfect timing because we've just invented some lovely little bombs: boom! Ah, how we laugh when you have immunity.

In 1516, while we were having fun blowing up our neighbor's houses, the Tricorno and Capécia dynasties threatened us.

Well, we have immunity, so it's fine, they can't do anything to us, but it's going to spoil the party a bit. Yeah, immunity just means we can't be convicted. It doesn't mean we can walk into a neighbor's house, slit their three children's throats and their wives, and then leave after pissing on the dog's corpse. That would be convenient, but it doesn't work that way. Too bad, we'll have to find another way to resolve this conflict.

Of course, as always, I have one of the people accusing me followed, and I order one of my guards to slit their throat on the spot, but that's not possible, huh, because it turns out that slitting someone's throat in broad daylight who accused you of burning their house down the night before isn't very subtle as a strategy. Hmm, back in Grandpa's day, that wouldn't have happened, you can believe me.

Well, I fall back on politics then. While my son Paul blesses us with a second grandson, my son Edward Junior and his father take the opportunity to climb the ranks slowly, and I continue to receive bribes.

It so happens that fate has placed the bishop's position in Champlain's path. He is now in charge of the church. Him, a bishop? The last time, he asked me if it was worth reading the Bible because someone had already spoiled the ending for him. Not exactly the epitome of piety, but it does come with certain advantages. And as bishop, Champlain, who I remind you is an assassin, has just forgiven me for all my sins, which means that now all the evidence held by my enemies will be useless.

Now that Champlain had become a bishop, I found myself going to church quite often to ask for absolution.

"My father, forgive me, for I have sinned. I'm sorry for killing children, assassinating my political opponents, burning evidence, poisoning wells, planting bombs, setting fire to houses, setting fire to this church, by the way, embezzling from the state coffers, stealing carts, banishing people from the city without reason, abusing my authority, multiple times, by the way, taking money from the poor to give to the rich, which means me, selling weapons to bandits, assassinating the king of the city, and his brother, and his son..." and it could go on like that for a while. But the craziest thing, you know what he asked me? That damned scoundrel asked me what we were having for dinner. Of course, as a devoted wife, I told him turkey, because Champlain loves turkey.

Bottom line, I'm once again forgiven for all my crimes. Ah, I love religion.

Very quickly, I started thinking about what my next investment would be. Maybe I could build my own church, why not. I could invent a new religion or a ridiculous sect like the Orthonorists, and people would follow me. But no, it's a dumb idea, at least for now.

I abandon the idea and instead turn to a dye works, more profitable. Of course, I didn't care about the dye works, but a dye works can quickly be transformed into a mage shop, then into a mage guild.

I then begin the construction of the mage guild in a small corner south of the city, a small discreet shop that no one would suspect is used for making explosive bombs.

I'm starting to get tired; the life of a boss, like that of a queen, is not a life of rest. We have achieved our goals after several years of struggle. Champlain and my son have finally reached the highest positions in the Commune, and they both have immunity.

It's time to think about the future. I won't stay on this earth indefinitely, nor will my husband, for that matter. So we are in a hurry to place our children.

Champlain withdraws from the close circle of the family. He keeps his position as marshal, of course, but I will train Victor, my grandson. I have so much to teach him, like how to charm a woman, how to make bombs, how to poison people. By the way, my grandson will get new toys now that the mage guild is built: black widow poison. Ha! Just the name, I love it.

The enemy is struggling and will attempt futile counterattacks, like trying to set fire to my bank. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, as they say, even though I don't have many teeth left. You tried to burn my bank? I will burn all your houses. The fire caught well, by the way, even if it spread to the neighbor's house, but it doesn't matter. Collateral damage, it happens.

So I multiply the bonfires all over the city, but the real maneuver is elsewhere because it turns out that as the ruler of Lyubeck, my responsibilities include monitoring a number of things.

My God, my God, this building is in ruins! It's as if dozens of bombs have exploded here. We can't leave something in such bad condition; it could injure honest workers. So, it will be demolished. Ho ho ho ho ho ho, I love urban planning.