Pretend Suicide

Reject me..? PRETEND SUICIDE!!

THIS IS THE CHAPTER

The chapter to why this story book is called "Pretend Suicide". This is how the fake suicide starts. And this is where the trigger warnings are now up.

So again, trigger warning fake self-harm and suicide talk.

During a school day, I knew he was still into me. But I had to tell him how I felt. I went up to him and told him everything. I did like him, he did seem really cool.

But I couldn't bring myself to see him as a love partner. I just couldn't, he didn't give me that feeling. He still gave me a bro-friend vibe...not a boyfriend vibe. He didn't like this at all. Like, bro couldn't handle the friendzoned AT. ALL.

A few days after the friendzone, I had to take the late bus. I always took the late bus because I would stay after school as much as I could. I would tell my mom it's for orchestra reasons. Which yes I did go to the classes.

But then I would go to anime clubs, and gaming clubs, and run around the hallways being bored. I just wanted to stay out of the house for a bit longer.

That shit was boring to me. I mean, it was just chores and sleep on my ass. Yeah play games and chat with family but the house was boring in general. I liked going out of staying out longer...well, at the time.

I stayed after school, and ended up on the late bus. He sat one seat forward on the right side of the bus. I was on the left seat. I wish I knew what he told his friends. I usually don't like talking during vehicle rides, and I usually wear earbuds and stare out the window.

But I didn't have earbuds, and his friends kept yelling at me. "YOU KNEW HES DEPRESSED AND YOU HURT HIM ANYWAYS!!" "THATS FUCKED UP YOU LET HIM GET WORSE!!" they all kept yelling at me. I didn't know what I did wrong. I never stopped being his friend, I just told him that's all he was to me.

During the moment, he would pull out anything he kept in his pencil bag. It would usually be scissors or pens. And then he would try to scratch and cut himself. Something I've never noticed up till now, was during that moment where he tried to hurt himself, his friends never stopped him.

They wouldn't take anything away from him. They just looked for a split second, and then yell at me saying how I caused this to happen. But nobody would take the pens or scissors away. I yelled at him to stop, but he didn't stop.

And nobody was stopping him. 

Let's pretend this wasn't fake suicide. Let's say he was hurting himself... Why wouldn't anyone stop him?? They would say "Xeo don't do it," but they didn't take action. They just kept yelling at me. And the reason why I knew it was fake, is because he would repeat this for a few weeks.

He acted perfectly fine throughout school. Walking to the bus, he was laughing and acting happy. Everywhere he was, he acted as if nothing happened. But it was ALWAYS while I was on the late bus with him and his friends. THAT'S when he would act suicidal.

And not only that, but there was never marks or actual scars. He didn't even press on his arm. He made it look like he went hard, but he didn't actually do anything to himself. And this lasted for a few weeks. 

He kept trying to make me look like a bad person. All because I fuckin friendzoned him. Imagine that? That shits crazy. Like dude, you serious? And Im not trying to say I'm some suicide expert since I've been a victim for almost a decade, but I know someone's faking it when I see it.

And it's so obvious he was faking his shit. And what made it worse, is he knew how I was suicidal myself. And this was one of the hardest moments I've fought through. And what made it hard, was because during this time, I was finally healing and stopping self-harm. I was finally getting better. And he just had to fuck it up.

He was trying to basically force me into getting with him. He was pulling the stupid ass "if you don't date me I'll kill myself" trick. He was guilt tricking me and even made his friends play along. 

This was a repeated cycle. It always started with us living life in school getting past the day. Then whenever he caught me during school or third period, he would try to act cool as if nothing happened.

Or he would try to call me babe/baby. And whenever I would tell him no or stop, he gave me the same exact mad face. He would scrunch up his face and would do a few heavy exhales through his nose.

And then later on or the next day after school, he would sit on the late bus with me or next to me and would try to "self-harm". It happened EVERY TIME!! And the mad face is how you knew shit was gonna start.

The worst time he's done something to me, was before winter break was about to start. He forced his way into the same seat I was on. And he was scratching his head super hard. He kept saying it was itching, so I just ignored it.

But he told me to look at "how itchy his head was" and showed me his scars. He basically DIGGED his skin causing it to bleed. And his nails was COVERED in blood. It looked like if he put too much nail polish on his fingers. I swear one of the fingers were dripping. For once, I ended up breaking down. I broke down crying.

I couldn't take it.

It was starting to fuck with my mind. And at the time, it didn't help that my friends saw the scene and was pissed. Remember Dori? He was sitting in the seat in front of us. He turned to see what happened, and he was shaking his head disappointed. And my other friend, Azzy, he was so mad and he was showing it off. I ended up fainting a bit from crying.

I woke up, and I saw we were at Azzy's stop. I saw him and he was literally, shit you not, stomping and was huffy puffy while storming off the bus.

And again, I had another break down.

I was feeling myself lose it. I almost grabbed my scissors in my own bag. For some reason, Xeo stopped me and of course, he called me baby. Which only pissed me off and made me feel crazy. And then of course it hit me. I mean I knew before, but during the breakdown, it was as if I didn't know.

But it was obvious with what the fuck he was doing to me..

He was fucking with my head.

He was doing this to me and it was all because of a fucking rejection. I was so pissed, I wanted to kill him. I stormed off the bus once it got to my stop. I was trying to calm down before I got inside the house. I don't even remember if anyone noticed my emotion or attitude. I just needed to get my mind off the shit I dealt with. 

.

.

The next time I went to school after what happened, I was apologizing to both Azzy and Dori. I was hugging onto them and I kept crying while saying sorry and how I didn't mean to piss them off. I seriously felt as if I fucked up.

Safe to say, they weren't even mad at me.

Azzy was just yelling and talking shit about how Xeo has been treating me since the rejection/friendzone. And Dori also mentioned how he noticed. But in the end, they were never mad at me.

They were just mad at Xeo. Actually, ALL of my friends were mad. Including Oliver and Blake. Everyone was pissed with him.

Actually with Dori and his girl best-friend Audrey, I did once lash at them. I needed help and they were too tired. I got mad cause I felt they were just slapping me in the face with a big, "fuck you".

I was pissed, cause in my head I was thinking, "of course it was during this time you guys can't help me!" 

After school, on the bus I did apologize for that and we were cool. They explained why they didn't wanna talk at the time. And I explained how I was sorry and stuff. 

Lmao I still feel a bit bad. So sorry if you're reading this!!