𝐒𝐮𝐫𝐯𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐝 𝐇𝐢𝐦

TWENTY-EIGHT

"Have you no idea that you're in too deep?"

28

The house was silent but if you could listen carefully, you could hear the echoing of all my fears. After the war I sat through being restrained, I could hear a ringing in my ears from the object against my skin. I'd quiver as my hormones bathed in cortisol. My muscles tense making painful knots.

Reign would isolate me, but for only so long. His attack confused me left traumatised enough so I didn't have energy left to think. My lungs filled with grief. Anguish. Misery. My mother's last words prior to the torment I held close.

She passed on like my last breath I inhaled. Truly I've been abandoned even with the attention of a psycho. I took anxiety & depression by the hand because I wanted them to know I understand, but can I rest now?

Hours would past by, I'd be still staring blank at the wall—I'd just sit here, feeling pathetic.

My brain used to be in this endless loop of asking myself why did this life choose me? It's not like I can gather my things and leave, call anyone, seek help?

I closed my eyes.

I slept for a day, woke up the next, got up when necessary, I slept for a day again. It felt right to sleep, because in another universe I got to be great, good enough to survive my own standards.

The truth is we all have good impulse control. There is harm to myself floating through my mind. Have you asked yourself why did you choose to go to school instead of running away from home to chase excitement? Possibly become addicted to drugs, sleep around for money, end up homeless.

Fuck everything. I just want to exist.

Exist meaning being in my own apartment wearing just lipstick. My life is one big play with a script and an audience. The never ending cycle of having to pick yourself back up again has become laughable.

Don't judge me, I'm grieving.

"Honey are you awake?" Amaya whispered rubbing my shoulder. I turned over to face her holding a chunky baby on her hip. I haven't seen her or baby Mila in a while it's good to see them. "Your mother, I'm so—,"

I raised my hand no longer wanting to hear anybody else feel sorry for me. I reached for baby girl sitting up on the bed. Amaya put her in my lap, I was preparing myself for her cries but surprisingly she let me in.

"Aren't you the sweetest baby." I said quietly laying my cheek against hers.

Mila's eyes searched mine when her tiny finger pointed at my nose. "Mi." She spoke.

Joy filled me, "yes baby I'm Mi." I pecked her finger.

Amaya smiled, "I'm happy you're okay, we have something for you downstairs. You should come look when you're ready." She kissed Mila on the cheek leaving her behind with me.

"Mila what is your mommy talking about?" I cooed, she just giggled at me.

I hesitated, still not quite ready to leave the bed. It took me about ten minutes to finally make my way out of the room, Mila carefully balanced on my hip. But once I reached the stairs and stepped into the backyard, my breath caught in my throat at the sight before me.

Tears blurred my vision. The garden was breathtaking, beautifully arranged with flowers—my mother's favorite kind. A table was set with breakfast, and the smell made my stomach growl with hunger.