"Yours will come to you" he had said.
When she woke up the next morning, the aftermath of the previous day hit her like a brick. She replayed all the events of yesterday from the time she saw Priya in her dress. But, when she recalled how the Holy Spirit had yanked her from her depressive thoughts, she began crying, in earnest. She felt the warm tears flow from her eyes and dampen her face. She sniffled and sobbed. She could not believe the Holy Spirit cared so much about her that he would send her these comforting promises of hope.
In the middle of her frantic prayer to God and a fifteen hour fast, she grabbed her prayer journal and read Isaiah's words. The way God meant for us to fast, was in that fasting was to "loose the bonds of wickedness. To undo the straps of the yoke"
These words made their way into Lucy's heart then into her prayer. She asked God to loose her from the bonds of lust, the bonds of anger, the bonds of jealousy. To loose her from the bonds of fear of childbirth and fear of marriage and fear of everything.
While she was praying, she felt invisible walls crumble all around her. She felt a soft energy take its place and her body felt renewed.
Repent.
That was the word running in and out of her mind.
Repent.
She was in repentance. Lucy did not think she had ever repented before. This was what she was doing. Repenting. Submitting. She was no longer afraid. No longer afraid of childbirth or marriage.
This was the freedom Lucy was after. Freedom from the world and the fleshy desires and torments. Not ruled by her flesh and its desires or fears. To be your own person. The individual person that God intended for every one of us to be.
That night before, Lucy had felt some type of entrapment. She had been feeling restless so she put on some Indian music. She twirled and dipped and twisted and swayed her body in ways she never had before. She felt like water. She let the music flow through her blood as she thought about remaining a virgin because of the way so many men seemed to be treating women so badly, even before, during and after pregnancy...and her list went on and on and on.
As she danced, she felt something. She felt like a vow was being made. To remain a virgin forever. It felt like she was being bound to something she could not see. Like she was committing herself to a contract, with her body. As if the dancing was the contract itself.
She did not mind being a virgin until the day she died...and into the afterlife. She fell to her knees and thanked God. She had been so terrified of other people's experiences; utterly traumatized of childbirth, of pregnancy...of rape. She was simply scared shitless.
Now, there was today. Today where she was no longer afraid. Today when the bonds of the contract she made last night, broke. Today when the Holy Spirit allowed her to hope and gave her the tools to cultivate it, in herself and in others. She would no longer be afraid. No longer be a slave to fear and stand in the way of God's plan for her. No, she wanted God's plan. She would lean not unto her own understanding, but trust in him. She would understand that he is her shield and her buckler, her rock and her sword...that he did not have plans to harm her in any way, but plans to prosper her, to give her hope and a future.
Maybe she would remain a virgin. Maybe she would get married. Maybe she would get married and have five children. All were now possibilities that she embraced with open arms, thanks to the Holy Spirit. She would not be afraid. Not anymore.
She had long foregone the hope of attracting a husband, partly because she was not particularly attractive in her younger years and everyone let her know it; when she would not be picked as a dance partner in class. When one of her male classmates grabbed her hand and dropped it like a hot coal when he realized she was not the girl he was trying to capture the attention of. When she was called "ugly" and "useless" when she stood in front of the class for her presentations. So...no...she never had much expectation of being looked at by men.
At some point in medical school, when one of her classmates began flirting with her, she had no clue that was what he was doing. Her friends were the ones who put that idea in her head in the first place. Why would anyone want to flirt with her? Years and years of feeling inadequate, to suddenly change into being someone even slightly desired was...unfamiliar, to say the least. It was why she understood that Adam would never want her.
He was simply a nice man who was nice to her when she needed it. And she, oh-so-foolishly believed him to actually be attracted to her.
I'm the new Dr. Fineman
Knowing that Adam had put her lanyard around Dr. Evans neck was a truth that she did not want to accept. To understand that she was just a pawn in their sick game, was a blow to her ego. One that she deserved. How dare she believe that any man would actually be attracted to her?
Somewhere in the pit of clarity, she remembered when the two Finemans had began their games. It was when Dr. Evans came to ask her a question during surgery. She realized that the conversation between Dr. Evans and Fineman had to have been about being attracted to someone "who knew their stuff." Like Evans did. She probably told him something about it being attractive that she knew her information and Lucy was only called to the stand as a witness. Lucy could not believe she had been that blind. They were literally flirting with each other, when she was blushing because the man simply looked at her. No wonder they were able to hurt her so easily!
If she could go back in time, she would smack herself in the face for being so foolish. So utterly pathetic.
The one shred of hope that she was given and she was clinging onto; there was one man out there who would be her attracted to her and that would be the husband God had promised her. Though she was no longer afraid, she would not let herself get hurt again. Not repeat her same mistakes and be so naive and trusting. She would never believe that she was the object of desire even when her ego convinced her to believe otherwise.
Adam had proved that to her. Many other times in her life, when she had been so foolish to think she attracted male attention, she had been proven wrong. She did not need yet another reminder. It was all quite fresh in her mind.
It was another level of freedom that God had showed her. All the things that people did, all the things they desired, they adorned themselves with and the things they did based on what their flesh wanted, was real slavery. Slavery to the flesh and to the world. Slavery to fitting in.
True freedom was simply in not wanting the things that the world showed you. Not wanting the things that the world tried to make you believe that you desire.
"Store up for yourselves treasure in Heaven, where moth and dust cannot corrupt"
The real things that matter, the real things that freedom came from, was nothing material. It is from the things we do, the acts of kindness, relationships we forge, the good times we create.
