There were bigger things to worry about in life. Bigger than being sick, at least. Bigger battles to fight and bigger problems to solve.
"Should I just burn my journal before you guys get here?" Lucy had asked her brother earlier that day. He told her she should do what she felt was right. He knew her sister had read what was in her journal before and understood why she would want to. This time, her Mom and her Dad knew. She had not thought that they heard when she asked her brother the question. But they had and her mom said "You ought to be able to have your journal to write in! It's something you are entitled to!".
Lucy flipped through the pages in the journal lovingly. Entitled. Is that what she was? Entitled?
Lucy told them that she would have liked to keep her journal but told them about her sister and her telling her boyfriend about the journal. About him throwing that bit about Dr. Fineman in her face. It still stung her to remember hearing the words she poured out from her heart into her journal, come from his mouth. His wretched, foul, disgusting mouth. She even told them about her sister shushing him, which really was what broke her.
She had told him the very things that were in her journal. The secrets she felt she had to write to get them off of her heart but could tell no one. And yet...
While she told them, she had not expected her throat to tighten and her eyes to sting. Did not expect to have to blink her tears back a few times and avert her eyes from the phone camera. She knew and accepted this before. Her sister had taken and taken and taken from her. All the material things she had, she had wanted, she took. Her secrets she spilled onto her journal, she took. Her love and kindness and patience...she took. And took...
Have you ever been robbed so many times that you felt like you deserve it? Like it keeps being taken from you because you should not have had it in the first place? Because you did not deserve it? You were not worth it? Some one who was truly worth it should have it? And Lucy understood that she would never have as long as her sister was around. She would never have for herself. Because she did not deserve it. She was not worthy of any of the things she bought for herself or others gifted her. They would all be taken away from her.
Even Adam. Adam was taken away from her, although it was more like he took himself away from her, when he put the lanyard around Evan's neck. What she thought she was entitled to...would eventually, if not now, all be taken away from her. Today or tomorrow, it would be taken from her and given to someone more worthy.
"Lay not up yourself treasures of the Earth"
Jesus meant it literally. It will all be taken from you. In some way. She understood now why she was always so eager to give or even throw things away. Because she felt that deep down inside of her...she did not deserve it. She should not have it. It should be given to someone better. Someone worth it. Looking back on it now, that was probably why she had fell so hard for Adam.
"You seem like someone worth spending time on"
He made her feel like she was someone worth having. And then his actions said otherwise. He should not have dangled hope in front of her like that only to snatch it away. Such cruelty.
She did not know when she started crying. Only that her face was contorted and tears flowed like a river down her face. She sobbed. She whimpered when the words echoed hollowly through her.
You're not worth it.
You don't deserve the things you have now. They should be someone else's. Someone worth something.
It made her think back to the story of Mary and Martha. Mary chose Jesus. He said "Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen the good part, and it will not be taken away from her."
It will not be taken away from her.
The words soothed her. Jesus would never be taken from her. Everything else would, but Jesus would not. He would be with her always. No one could take him from Lucy. Not even her sister. She would burn the journal. She would forsake all earthly things. She would give up on the fantasy of having a man, something else which could easily be taken away from her. And she would learn to lose the things that she had. Learn to let them go and not get attached to them. Let Adam go and understand that she never deserved to have someone like him in the first place.
Entitled. Entitled her ass. She was not entitled to anything. She did not deserve anything. Should not have anything. She did not need it. She did not want it. All she wanted, was Jesus. The one person, the one being who could never be taken away from her. Lucy sighed and grabbed her phone. She decided to listen to worship music. The kind of warrior worship music that sank into your bones and felt like iron was being forged there. She practiced her kicking techniques and lost her footing so quickly that she slammed the inner part of her leg onto the bed post. It throbbed and she yipped like an injured dog.
She touched it gently and smiled. Not broken. The pain was hers. She inflicted and it would be hers to have temporarily. At least inflicted pain was hers and hers only, although even that would leave eventually. Because it was earthly. She elevated it and pressed cold butter onto it since she had no ice. It was bliss. After a few more rounds of kicks, she jumped into the shower. She washed the sweat, grime and pain off of her.
When she emerged from the shower, she felt an emptiness. A silence in her chest where her emotions had been. She felt hole yawn wide open in her chest and it would not close. Like a large cave. Open and cold. Empty and...waiting. Utterly calm. That was what she felt. She looked into the mirror and saw depthless eyes. Where was Lucy? Who was staring back at her in the mirror? Those eyes seemed so lifeless. So wide and hollow, just like the hole in her chest. A depthless deep.
She felt peace. No joy, no sorry. No worry, no hope.
Only peace. Or what she assumed was peace. It felt more like a void. She embraced that void that grew wider and wider within her, with open arms. No thoughts in her head, no emotions in her heart. Just quiet. Like a desert.
A no longer entitled desert.
