Lucy woke up in pieces. At least that was what it felt like. She dreamt that she was on her period (as she was currently) and she was bleeding heavily. When she checked, her pad was shifted out of place so it meant that the blood would have leaked onto the bed. Her Mom walked into her room and told her she needed to do something. She flicked the blanket back to show her Mom the blood and told her that she was bleeding heavily. Her Mom nodded at the blood and Lucy herself could barely make out the stain through the darkness. That was all she remembered of the dream. Hardly anything for her to feel so torn to shreds over. Then she felt it.
She felt like she wanted someone. She wanted someone beside her in bed. Someone to hold her. To literally pull her together because she felt like she could not do it herself. She looked to the ceiling and prayed. She told God that she did not understand why she was feeling these feelings. She had never had a man in her bed so it was not like she knew what it was like and missed that feeling. She always dealt with things herself. So why did she feel like she wanted someone to take care of her? She was in no real struggle! No real pain! So take care of her how? Help her with what?
She felt the tears rising in her chest and burst from her eyes. It was with such a suddenness that she clamped a hand over her mouth to muffle the sound of her sob. Then subsequent sobs. She felt her face pinch as the tears just began flowing. She got off of her bed and went to the bathroom to blow her nose. She paced her room, clutching her chest and her head. Why was she feeling like this? This heaviness. This gaping hole in her chest. Yes, she was on her period, so yes there was a waterfall between her legs and yes she felt like crap, but she was not currently in any pain. So why was she crying? Why was there this space of emptiness in her chest? It felt like something had suddenly yawned open in her...a well for her tears.
A wave of sobs overtook her again and she braced herself on the wooden foot of her bed as the tears rocked out of her. Her head felt like it was going to explode. She pressed a hand against her forehead. It felt like some sort of support. Her hand acted as her anchor. Her anchor to the world. Her anchor to herself. What kind of torture was this?
She would have felt better if she understood why she was crying. It was not as if she was in one of those "feeling sorry for yourself" moods. She was not sad about anything. In fact, she could actually be celebrating! She had received such a good evaluation from her consultant yesterday and would be getting a week break before going to her next rotation. So why these tears?
After blowing her nose for the second time, she felt better. She did not feel good. Hell, she did not even feel ok. She felt terrible and broken and utterly lost. Still better than she did when she woke up.
"It's ok to wake up and feel like crap some days".
She remembered that quote from the book she was reading. Something about it eased the guilt of not being able to make herself happy at the moment.
Maybe it was her subconscious mind eating at her for not getting the hug from Adam. Maybe it was figuring she would not see Adam again since yesterday had been her last day in that hospital. Maybe it was guilt from not studying as much as she ought to have been. Maybe it was from an old wound from the past...
There was no one she could talk to. No one to seek comfort from. She thought about how Priya and Sonia confided in her and she comforted them. But just like their judgements, they would not return that kindness to her. They would probably laugh at her behind her back.
When they left, she would not miss them. She would not feel one ounce of sadness. She just knew it. Was she a bad person for that? She knew she would not miss having to endure their jabs and unwanted commentaries about her life, not when she had been hurt by them. Yes, she forgave them, but she would never forget how it felt when she hung out with them. Their delusional confidence about their academic performances and intellect. Even comparing Lucy's school to theirs, making it seem that theirs was superior, was not something Lucy had enjoyed.
She would not even miss this place. She was happy for the experience, but would not want to go through it again. Her landlady had tried to force her out of the room by changing the keys since she found out Lucy would only be there for only two more months and she wanted the room for a resident who would sign the one year lease. The secretary was a bitch and there was a guy that snuck past security and almost slipped right into the flat she was living on. If she had not turned around and yanked the door closed behind her when he saw her, he would have gotten through. She wanted to kill him.
She wanted to kill all of them.
She thanked God that she did not have the ability to do so, because she may have done so already. She felt tired of people. Scheming, judgmental, arrogant hypocrites with a superiority complex that did not quit. She felt the relief down to her bones that she was leaving soon. She knew that she would not even miss Keisha. She was dedicated to Jessica and would never be loyal to Lucy. Jessica, whom Adam was stupid enough to align himself with. No, Lucy and Keisha were acquaintances that prevented each other from feeling alone. They were 'convenience friends'.
She would not even miss Adam. As much as her ego had suffered a blow from finally realizing that he simply was not interested in her, she noticed certain things that she did not notice about him before. Or maybe she was so blind that she did not want to acknowledge it. When she had logged into the massive online rounds that they normally did for surgery, Lucy had heard Adam's voice. He was asking questions that did not seem relevant to the case being discussed at all or some far-fetched notion. It seemed like he was just trying to get the presenter to lose their footing. He seemed to enjoy when the so-old-they-were-probably-around-when-dinosaurs-existed- consultants were picking apart the resident. As if he wanted a piece of the action. Lucy had listened in horror when he began his own line of questioning and one of the horrible consultants backed him up.
Bullet dodged, she thought.
She could only be thankful that God had separated her from this man, when he had. It seemed like being on his team when he was in this state would have been hell. Maybe he was getting drunk with power now that he was consultant.
That being said, she would never forget the kind things he did for her. The kind and steadying words he said to her. The words she would keep in her heart forever. She did not regret meeting him or any of their interactions. She would never forget the small things either. Like when she blindly reached out and grabbed his arm to balance herself to step on the stool in the OT to see over the consultant's shoulder, he made her get off and adjusted it himself so that she could remount and get a better view.
In fact, if she had to meet him all over again, the only thing she would change would be to guard her heart better and keep her emotions inside, not wear them on her sleeve like an idiot. He did not want her and she accepted that with no small amount of disappointment. But there was nothing she could do about that except to not be sad about it.
What she did not expect to have experienced here, was how infinitely clueless she was to so many things. To simply understand that she did not understand. She did not know the first thing about relationships, about men, about life...about anything. She always felt like she had something to contribute...but she was completely dumb about so many things...it was embarrassing! She felt that if she made it to her thirties, she would somehow understand more. Just more. It was terrifying how humbling that revelation truly was. She also understood that it was the first step to gaining wisdom; to know that you do not know. And that no matter how many books you read, how much knowledge you gather...you will never truly know unless you have gone through something yourself.
So, she did not know shit.
