This dream was about two black birds. One of them was perched on her windowsill looking at her from outside. It was her actual home. The bird tried to fly directly at her but was stopped by the screen of the window. Then suddenly there was another black bird perched on her roof inside her bedroom. It looked at her then flew down to stand onto top of her. She shook it off of her as soon as she felt it's tiny feet on her.
That was the whole dream.
When she Googled the meaning of black birds in dreams, many articles said that it was a bad omen. A few said that it was a sign of transformation in one's life. Lucy decided to accept that meaning.
And it was exactly that.
That morning, she suddenly had an urge to read her Bible. She realized that the way she filled the emptiness inside her was with meaningless things, including dancing to suggestive songs, playing games in her phone, worrying about what and when she would cook. If she had enough clean clothes for the next day. She felt that she did all these things to fill up her time. These are the things that made up her life. All these meaningless, worthless things.
Lay not up your treasure on the earth where moth and dust doth corrupt. But lay them up in Heaven where moth and dust cannot corrupt. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be.
What treasures was she laying up when she obsessed about what to cook, clean, wear? When she fantasized about sex (particularly with Adam)? When she worried about how much sleep she was getting?
Therefore...where was her heart?
Her new found revelation about her knowing nothing, sparked a thirst, a hunger for wisdom. For understanding about what she really should be doing with her life, so she went to the literal book of Wisdom. Proverbs. She opened it up and began to read, while pacing back and forth her room. A lot of this book basically said 'be good and good will happen to you'. She knew that was not always the case, as shown in the book of Ecclesiasticus and Job, but she felt like her faith was waning. How could she increase her faith?
She remembered that the disciples had asked Jesus the exact same question, but the ironic part about it was that she could not remember Jesus's response. So she flipped to Luke 17.
"If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can tell the sycamore tree to be plucked up by its roots and cast into the sea and it would obey"
Lucy thought back to all those dreams she had when she had to rebuke some evil things multiple times before it released her from the dream. She remembered gathering on her faith that seemed like a ball of lightning gathering in her before obliterating the evil thing.
"As small as a mustard seed".
The latest dream she had like that was actually a few nights ago. In this one, it was very sinister and contained evil smiling faces and harm coming to children. She shuddered at the memory.
This time, however, she realized that when she rebuked it once, in Jesus's name... she immediately jumped out of her sleep. Normally, she would have to do it at least twice or three times...maybe five times. But this one was only once. This lead her to wonder if there were particular words Jesus said when he rebuked the evil spirits.
"Go!" -
"You mute and death spirit, I command you. Come out of him and never enter him again" - ones like this would only come out by prayer and fasting. - Mark 9:25
This morning, however, just before she fully woke up, she saw herself sleeping, but falling through the air, down and down and down.
When she got to a part, close to the ground, she thought that was it. But then she floated down even further until she was lying down directly on the floor. And someone was lying there next to her.
She felt as if a space had opened up in her chest. And there was an emptiness that needed to be filled. It was a clean space that needed to be filled something special. Someone special. She needed Jesus.
She opened up her journal so that she could write all these thoughts and connections down when she stumbled upon an entry she had written a few months ago. She gasped as she forgotten this particular entry:
"The longer I dwell among these people, the more I find it harder to care about them. I feel cold. Empty. Wrathful. I have never wanted to see a place burn so badly. To want to see people in pain, so desperately. It is hard to care about them. The more I stay away from them, the more I want to. The more I need to.
I can trust no one, except three people. And they are no where near me.
And I feel lonely. Cold, lonely and empty. And angry. So full of wrath that I wanted to bite the head off of the person who breathed too loudly next to me today. I wanted to kill someone with my bare hands. I want this place to burn and burn and burn. Hear the screams of its people and bask in their last moments of agonizing terror.
Sometimes I feel so full of rage that I want to howl just to satisfy that primal blood lust I sometimes feel. I want my loud flat mate, to drown in a mouthful of her own blood. I want to hear the muffled choking sounds and savor every ounce of fear she leaked. I want to sit on her chest and feel her struggle to breath beneath my hands. I just know the horror on her damned face and hearing that satisfying crunch of her trachea would make me orgasm so hard."
Lucy stared at the page in horror. How could she be a Christian when she thought like this? She knew that being a Christian did not mean being soft, fragile and easy to hurt...but it sure as hell did not involve wanting to relish in killing your neighbor!
She prayed that part of herself had died months and months ago and was never coming back. God only knows what would have happened if it were still alive.
