Choosing 13 | Johnny Kavanagh

chapter thirty two

Lilia

Pretending.
Is the first word I think of when waking up.
When I wake up with a banging headache but turn my head to the side, softly smiling at the beautiful boy sleeping.
Johnny has always been handsome, he has the boy-next-door look with his charming smile and English boy accent, but his tall frame and muscular body make him look ten times older, like a uni student.

And him with Sean last night... This man has me wanting a child and I can't have one right now.
Lilie, please stop.
Pretending.
That's what I tell myself when I carefully creep out of Johnny's bed to the bathroom and close the door slowly.
I lean back into the door and curse myself for letting Johnny take me to his house instead of telling him to fuck off when he came.

But I told myself to pretend for one minute that I was the girl who would be in his bed right now and not dipping without waking him up.
What was I thinking? Even in my drunken mind, I could have just bitch and went home with a different boy.
You don't want a different boy.
Shut it.

I thank Tipsy Lia for leaving my clothes in the bathroom as I change back into my clothes, burying my head into the hoodie for a second.
Picking up my phone from the floor and finding out it's 9:15, I scroll through my texts, clicking on my texts to Harvey.
psycho: have roll-ups in your room

RBF: shouldn't be using
psycho: so yes?
RBF: under bed stoner
BRF: cover for me
psycho: no movie?
RBF: can't do it
RBF: payment is ciggies
psycho: yknow carden kill us

RBF: he's smoking
psycho: ill tell everyone you're at ev if anyone asks
RBF: favourite twin
I snort at his usage of the eye roll emoji before clicking back out and clicking into another text thread.
holland: money, morning

Tilting my head back, I groan softly and feel in my back pocket for the twenty quid I borrowed from Jet.
This is so hypocritical.
I slowly open the door to see if Johnny is still asleep, creeping out when I see he is and setting the clothes on the bench.
I stared at him for a little, remembering how gorgeous his face was when he was asleep. I couldn't sleep last night so I just studied him for a while.
Walking to Johnny's desk, I grab a sticky note and a pen to scribble on it.

thank you
for saving my ass
-princess (stop smiling creep)

I shake my head at the message, feeling so pathetic.
Go wake him up!
Because I should because why does he want a note from me while I could easily wake him up.
I don't want to because pretending was all that I was doing last night and leaving something behind makes it seem like more than it was.
I rip off the note and shove it in my jacket pocket, walking to the window and climbing on the drain pipe steadily.
Pretending...
That is what I tell myself when I'm walking away from Johnny's house.
Pretending, pretending, pretending.

Pretending to be this girl that is just an average human, living a normal life and not a let down.
I look down at my phone again as I jog down the street, seeing the missed calls and texts from the girls group chat. The familiar feeling of guilt stabs me in the chest.
🎧: movie at six?
Moody ass: wait, mum said we'll have to change places if that's alright?
No show: mum said come to ours
Princessa: lils where are ya?!
Sof's text is sent at seven.

I really was going to go for a bit, swear to god I wanted too.
But the need to get wasted on vodka and dancing to loud music took over my hands and texted Jet to pick me up.
I can't do anything remotely sane since the shed visit with Johnny and it's so fucking stressful, but I don't know why.
And that unusual caring environment I'm in is so hard to fucking deal with.
After sprinting to the bus that's pulling in, I hop on the bus to go to Grans' neighbourhood, taking twenty minutes to get there.