Chapter Nineteen-Our Song

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KELLINS POV

I sat backstage tapping my foot on the floor. I heard the crowd scream and cheer, and I really tried to focus on the show that was about to take place in only minutes, but my focus remained on Hope.
Her long shiny hair.
Her beautiful eyes.
Her soft voice.
Her gentle smile. How she made coffee for us every morning, I could remember waking up each morning to the smell of strong coffee. I also recall her perfume, the sweet overwhelming scent of sweet flowers.

It was so hard not having Hope around. I believe the worst part was that we didn't know where she was, or if she was okay. Why would she just leave? What about that Austin guy? Was it possible he found Hope? Or did she just leave willingly?

I can not tell you how many times I ask myself these questions every single day. Aside from the questions, the hardest part was knowing it was my fault. I pushed her to tell me about her past, when she clearly was not ready. She probably hated me for it, and I can't blame her. I'd hate me too. I was such an idiot, what was I thinking?

"You alright, dude?", Jack asked, followed by Gabe, Justin and Nick.

I nodded, "I'm good."

"She'll come back."

"But how?", I questioned, "She left. Why would she do that? Because I pushed her. I forced her to tell me everything, when she did not want to."

"Kellin-"

"Guys, you are on now.", our manager, Garret inturrupted us, which I was thankful for. I wasn't exactly in the mood to talk about my mistakes. If I could go back.. God, if only I could just go back in time and take it all back. I would have controlled my stupid temper. I would have handled the situation more appropriately. If only I could go back..

I pushed the thoughts away and walked out on stage, grabbing the micrphone and smiling at all of my fans. That was my favorite part about touring, meeting the fans. It was nice to meet the people, who made your dreams come true. It was amazing really to be on stage and play songs for everyone, especially when everyone could relate to it. A lot of our songs are about things we have gone through or acknowledged what other people have gone through, so there's that relateable context to our band that maybe other bands just don't have.

"Thank you for coming out to our show tonight!", I roared into the microphone. I smiled at the crowd, as they cheered.

"This next song we're about to play is called If I'm James Dean, Your Audrey Hepburn."

I closed my eyes and thought back to when Hope and I sung it together on the couch and for the first time since Hope has been gone, I allowed all the memories to invade my mind, as I sang.

HOPES POV
I thought the worst day of my life was when Mom brought Austin home.

I thought the worst day of my life was when Mom had finally gave up on me.

Or maybe the worst day of my life was being thrown in jail for the night with a weird talkative girl, and a strange girl that could pass for a guy. At first glance, I actually thought she was a male.

Although those were pretty shitty days, the worst day was today. The day Josh moved in. I seriously could not believe he was Austin's son, that someone would actually have a child with Austin. I shivered in disgust. Or the fact that Josh and I had shared multiple classes together, how could I not know he was Austin's son? I've known Austin for years now, how could I not know he had a son? Was I seriously that oblivious?

"Are you going to stand there all day or help?", Josh grumbled at me, picking up a box of his stuff and taking it inside.

I rolled my eyes at him, "Depends. Which one will get rid of you faster?"

"Sorry, princess, I won't be going anywhere any time soon."

I tisked my tongue against the top of my mouth, "What a shame."

Josh shoved a box into my arms, "Make yourself useful, will you?"

I scowled him, taking the stupid box inside and sitting it down on the dirty floor.

"Hope! Would you stop standing around and help out?", Mom said, glaring at me hatefully.

Geez, what was up with everyone today?

What's up with you today? The voice in my head shot back, you're acting all happy. Like you have the right to be happy, you ruined five guy's lives. You're back home with an abusive Mom, her abusive husband, and her husbands son that can't keep his hands off of you. Yeah, that's something to be cheerful about. Moron.
I sighed, trying my absolute best to force my thoughts away. That was the best thing to do. I liked to believe that I didn't ruin Kellin, Nick, Gabe, Jack or Justin's life. I liked to pretend that they we're perfectly fine without me and enjoying their tour and not even thinking about me. I liked to think that they only thought of me as a fan. I found comfort in those thoughts. I didn't find any comfort in my other sadden thoughts, so I simply shoved them away. Best thing to do, right? The pain can't hurt you, if you just don't care. Or if it's not there.

I finished helping everyone bring in a few more boxes of Josh's. Mom and Austin (mainly Mom) helped Josh unpack, trying to make him feel more at home, while I had to clean and clean and prepare lunch. I mopped, swept,  dusted, washed dishes, did laundry, and organized the movie and CD shelves.  I even went to the extremes of cleaning the bathroom.

 Afterwards, I made turkey and cheese sandwiches for lunch with partially plain stale potato chips, and sweet tea for the beverage.

"I'm starved.", Josh confessed right when I started to put lunch on the old kitchen table.

"Maybe Hope will finally make something decent.", Mom told him with a laugh. I bit down hard on my tongue, refusing to retaliate. Due to my anger, it was hard not to.
If she didn't like my cooking, then why force me to do it every single night? Instead of talking, why doesn't she actually do something about it, I thought feeling so much anger. But I guess that's what happens, when you ignore your true emotions for so long and then when you finally allow yourself to feel one emotion, it just overwhelms you.

"Didn't do much for lunch, eh? Can't be too awful then.", Austin joked.

Must not retaliate..

Must not retaliate..

Despite their jokes about my cooking, everyone ate two sandwiches and washed that down with the sweet cold tea, ignoring the bowl of chips. I put the plates and cups in the sink and reached for the round plastic bowl of chips, when Austin grabbed one and popped it into his mouth. A look of distaste appeared on his face.

"What's wrong with you? Giving me old chips, what if I get poisoning or something?", Austin exaggerated, but he was still pretty pissed about the situation. He grabbed ahold of my shaking arms and pushed me into the basement.

"What were you thinking? Were you even thinking? No, that's pretty clear that you weren't. You are so stupid!"

Then he lost it. I fell to the cold hard ground as he beat me with his fists, yelling names at me. 

What seemed like for eternity, but was probably only minutes, Austin finally stopped and left, slamming and locking the basement door. I sat down on the uncomfortable mattress and for the first time ever, I gave in. I let my emotions take over. I laid there and cried, thinking of the guys. Thinking of Kellin, thinking of when he sang to me at night to keep the nightmares away. How he always held me, promising everything would be okay. I thought back to the night of when we sang If I'm James Dean, Your Audrey Hepburn together, and so I laid there mumbling those words to myself, ignoring the tears.

Not knowing that Kellin was doing the same exact thing.    



(AUTHORS NOTE)

I apologize for any mistakes. It's like two AM here and I'm half asleep right haha, but I've been working on this chapter on and off all day, so I hope you guys enjoy!(:

Thank you all for reading!

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