While You're In The World

What That Special Thing Was

There was something different about Neil and Todd the morning after they both skipped out on the poets, though I couldn't figure out what. They were acting as though they barely knew each other, and the frigid air that passed between them in the halls led me to believe they'd had a fight. Which was something I could never imagine happening between Neil and Todd.

I knew by the end of the day I'd get it out of Neil. I couldn't stand to see him in the state he was in, like he was walking on thin ice that he knew could crack at any second. I was, after all, his best friend. Besides Todd, of course. But even in the short months I'd known Todd, I came to understand that his and Neil's relationship was very different from mine and Neil's. Whether the two of them realised it or not.

"So, um, is everything alright?"

Neil and I have been sitting on the dock by the lake reading. Neil; To Kill A Mockingbird. Me; The Amazing-Spiderman issue number 59.

"Yeah, why wouldn't it be?"

"Well just, you missing out last night."

His shoulders stiffen, and although he practically has his nose in his book I can see a change in his eyes.

"Oh yeah, that was nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Yeah, all good."

"Oh, okay." I look back down at my comic, but my eyes can't focus on any of the words. I know deep down that it wasn't all good. "So what happened with Todd then?"

I knew I was prying at something that was begging to stay closed, Neil's eyes slowly drifting from the page out onto the lake.

"Nothing," he said coldly. "Nothing happened between me and Todd."

"Neil I'm not stupid." I say, trying not to sound mean. "Did you guys fight or something?"

"No Charlie, we didn't fight, we didn't -- nothing is-"

"Neil, I just want to make sure everything is okay between you guys. I know how much he means to you."

He opens his mouth to say something, then closes it. A few minutes go by where neither of us say anything. I want to keep going, but fear I've already overstepped. If I say anything more Neil might not tell me anything at all.

"Charlie?"

"Yeah Neil?"

"I think there's something wrong with me." He looks at me then, and there's hurt in his eyes, a look of defeat. He looks scared, ashamed.

"Neil man, I'm sure whatever it is it can't be that bad."

"It is Charlie, God I wish it weren't."

"Neil, did something bad happen between you and Todd?"

Tears start to roll rapidly down his cheeks. "No, it was good, it was so good, and then I ruined it. I ruined everything Charlie."

"Neil, you're starting to scare me, man. What's this about?"

"I don't know if I can tell you."

"Neil," I place a hand on his knee. "What's wrong man?"

"Charlie, I think I, I think I might be," but he stops, eyes going wild.

"Is it about Todd?" He looks up, his crazy eyes stabbing into mine, and I know I've gotten close to it.

"I think I'm gay." He blurts out.

"Oh." He looks worried, and I feel a pang in my heart. At the fact that he was scared to tell me. At the fact that he felt like he couldn't. "You're not mad at Todd then, are you." He shakes his head, the fat tears rolling off his cheeks and splashing his sweater sleeves.

"Neil," I hesitate, almost certain I know the answer, but not wanting to upset him further. "Do you like Todd?"

"Would it matter if I did?"

"Not to me, no." I say with a soft smile. His furrowed brows release, and a slight smile spreads across his cheeks. "Might matter to Todd though."

Neil groans and drops his head onto my shoulder.

"Oh, he's gonna hate me Charlie."

"Nah, man, I don't think so."

"You don't?"

"Are you kidding me?" I roll him off my shoulder and turn my body sideways so I'm totally facing him. "I've seen the way Todd looks at you man. And I mean I didn't really get it at first, but now it makes total sense."

"No, I don't think-"

"Neil, I can remember one of the first days of school, you and Todd were hanging out on a bench in the quad, and you said something, I don't know what but it made Todd laugh hysterically." His gaze softens, like he's remembering more to that day than I am. "I was on my way to talk to you guys, but I couldn't help but just stand there and watch. The way you two just kept adding onto it, laughing harder and harder. I mean Todd was doubled over nearly falling off the bench."

He smiles, a soft smile, wiping his eyes with his sweater sleeve.

"I knew just from watching you guys from 50 odd yards away that there was something special between the two of you. I could see it then, and I still see it now. Except now, I realize what that special thing was."

"I have to tell him, don't I Charlie?"

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to do Neil," I said, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. "But I truly think you would be depriving yourself of something really great if you didn't."

"But what if you're wrong? What if he doesn't feel the same way?" He slumps forward, his book entirely disregarded beside him on the dock, his knees pulled up to his chest. "I'd rather feel nothing at all than feel the embarrassment of that."

"What if he doesn't feel the same way? Then so be it. Because what if he does, but you'll never know because you never just went for it and asked." I know I've gotten through to him, I can see the stubborn acceptance in his face. He was never very good at hiding how he felt. Except for when he felt for other people, I guess. "I understand why you're scared, Neil. I feel your lingering wave of 'what if.' But to feel nothing so as to not feel anything at all? What a waste, man."

We stay quiet for a moment, and it settles in on me how heavy this must all be for him. And to think, he'd been dealing with it, fighting with it on his own for so long.

"Charlie?"

"Yeah Neil?" He reaches over and rests a hand on mine.

"Thanks."

I squeeze his fingers in mine and give them a little shake.

"Of course, man."

We don't pick our books back up. We just sit there side by side on the dock by the lake.

"Charlie," Neil says again, but this time not so much as a question, but as a statement, a worry.

"We'll figure this out together man. I'm here for you, I promise."

And before we both know it, the sun slips behind the horizon, and we're left in a blueish haze of dusk. I stand up and brush myself off, reaching a hand down to pull Neil up onto his feet. I wrap my arm around his shoulder and we saunter back to the dorms, ignoring the angry bell ushering us inside.