Stefania & Me

Cinque - She said what?

As an autistic socialising is NOT my idea of a good time. It's stressful. Masking is exhausting and social interactions are so complicated! Why are there unspoken rules and expectations that no one teaches you about? What is the need?? The need was I was going to meet Stefania Spampinato.

The next day came around, the Saturday. I got up all excited but not even 30 seconds later the nerves came flooding in. I got up and got ready for the day ahead. I put on some tights and baggy jeans, because the feeling of denim on my skin was diabolical. I had my strappy top on as well as my cardigan. My hair was all curly and tamed and in a half up half down style. I put on a little make up to make me look more alive, and I put on my convention lanyard. On the lanyard I had a badge attached that said "Autism. Please be patient."

Whenever I did things outside of my comfort alone I wore my sunflower lanyard. It didn't necessarily do anything but it provided me with a sense of security that if I were to piss someone off or have a complete breakdown it would be judged a little less? I dont know. It made me feel a little more at ease and that was what mattered. But I wasn't about to waltz around and take selfies with a bright green lanyard on so the badge it was.

We walked down to lobby and had some breakfast. My mum wanted to wash her hair before my sister and her went into central London so she went up early while I waited for my sister finish her breakfast. I went on my phone and was texting my best friend about how terrified yet excited I was. Next thing I knew I was texting her mum about it because she was a massive greys fan, and she was a second mum to me. Next thing I knew I was crying and it was time to go back up to the room.

We got back up to the room at 10am and the first panel, the Marina panel, was at 12:30pm. At around 11:30 my sister and mum left and I was left in the room alone with my thoughts. Bad idea. I psyched myself and thought "what if just stayed in the room all day? No one would know." Thankfully I shut that down quickly because I knew that this was a once in a life time opportunity for me and I'd regret it if I didn't take it. Soon it was 12:15 and I headed down to the lobby.

I sat there, shaking, terrified and overwhelmed. I texted my best friend because whenever I did something that scared me I talked it through with her. I told her everything I did. I saw people walking towards to panel room and I decided to follow the crowd and walked into the room. There were signs on the floor telling us where each ticket tear could sit which helped al lot. I decided to set by the wall, 3 seats from the end so that I could see but easily escape if I needed to. The room started filling up and I continued to message my friend to keep my mind occupied. Soon enough the room erupted with applause. Danielle Savre and Stefania Spampinato walked into the room.

The panel was amazing. I was so excited i was in the same room as Stefania Spampinato and Danielle Savre! The duo were so funny and it was such a nice environment. We got to sing Stefania a happy birthday as well which was fun too. At the end of panel they played a video.

Before the weekend the organisers emailed us all and asked us to send in a 10 second video of us saying happy birthday to Stefania which I gladly did. All the videos were edited together to one big video which they played. Stefania watched and clapped and it was so nice to see. Soon my video came on screen and at that moment I felt very uncomfortable but I'm so glad I did it. Looking back at the panel video I watched Stefania and Danielle watch the video and I noticed that when my video came on screen Danielle flipped her camera off of Stefania and onto the screen and wowza I was very excited! Obviously I know it was a coincidence, but I am on Danielle Savres camera roll and that is so damn cool!

Anyway, that panel finished and next up was the greys panel that I wanted to attend. But unfortunately I felt myself spiralling and he walls closing in so I had to get out of that room. I went an sat in the hotel lobby waiting until 2:25pm so I could line up for the selfie with Stefania. Whilst waiting I had a thought replaying in my head, do I put my headphones in my bag.

I struggle with noise. Loud noise, messy noise, lots of noise, unpredictable noise. I have done since I was a kid and things like trips to the supermarket or walks in a park would end in tears, so I wear headphones. I had a love hate relationship with them. While yes they made participating in activities less stressful and more enjoyable, it was different to other kids, and when somethings different kids tend to pick on it. Unfortunately I was picked on for wearing them and soon became embarrassed by them, even though they prevented something much more embarrassing.

Because I was at the con alone and already overwhelmed I had my headphones on. And because of the little meltdown the day before I wasn't planning on taking them off. As I lined up I had my headphones around my neck ready if I needed them. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. Not that anyone was actually mocking me it felt like it, I guess it was the anxiety. Soon it was my turn for the selfie and I was buzzing! It was then when Stefania said something that meant more that she will ever know.