Word count: 90,179'
18+
"Oh my sweet angel, did you really think I was going to give it to you so easily? Anyways, when I let you cum, it's going to be from my cock, not my fingers."
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After our little sob fest, Papa gave me a kiss goodnight before going to bed, I was looking for pyjamas when someone knocked on my door, I opened it to find the boys standing there, I invited them in as they both decided to lay on my bed, "You know you both have your own beds to sleep on" I say raising an eyebrow at them.
"Yeah, but yours is soooooo much better" Niki grins, "What do you want?" I ask turning to face them fully, "What makes you think we want something?" Ally asks this time, I don't say anything, I just continue to look at them, "Fine" Niki huffs getting up from my bed and walking towards me.
"We want to spend some time with you tomorrow, go out shopping or something" Niki shrugs trying to act nonchalant, "It's whatever if you say no" He mumbles quietly as I stay quiet, I want to see them sweat. "Hmmmm, I dunno..." I see both of them visibly slump their bodies, "I don't think you two are cool enough to be seen with me" I continue which causes, both of them to glare at me before erupting in laughter, "Little jokester huh?" Ally chuckles.
"Have a good sleep, we will see you in the morning then маленький цветок (little flower)" Niki speaks placing a kiss on my head before leaving, Ally gets up from my bed and kisses my head too "Sleep well маргаритка (daisy)" He hums happily before leaving, I'll have to ask him why he calls me that tomorrow.
I go back to finding pyjamas before throwing my clothes into the hamper in the corner of my room, I climb into my bed and settle myself under the cover, this is the biggest bed I have ever seen in my life, I could fit in at least 8 of me in here.
Eventually, darkness extended her gentle hand to me and I held onto it.
*
My body shoots up as a cold sweat laces my skin, They're dead, I shouldn't be having nightmares about them, I'm safe, I'm safe, I keep repeating to myself. But no matter how much I tell myself I'm safe my body fights against it, I can feel my chest tightening, my throat feeling like it closing, and my jaw begins to ache, am I having a heart attack? Because it sure as hell feels like it.
I drag myself out of bed and into the bathroom, splashing cold water on my face to try and clam myself down.
My body trembles as memories play in my mind like some sick type of horror movie, memories of Marion burning me with her cigarettes, Uncle Danny tying me down to my bed frame, my mother.. doing things no mother should ever do, her encouraging Danny to do the same. Vomit rises up my throat quickly as I race to the toilet, I open the lid in time to empty whatever is left in my stomach, I take quick deep breaths in between each vomit.
My mind starts screaming at me, I can't shut the voice off, I crawl on the floor until I'm sitting against the bathroom counter and pull my knees up to my chest, my hands find their way into my hair as I grip and pull at it harshly, "Shut up, shut up, shut up" I whisper to myself as the voices of my past scream at me.
You deserve this
You were a mistake
Stop crying you little bitch
Bad girls deserve what they get
You're mine
You're worthless
Pathetic
Embarrassing
A waste of space
Always a bad girl
"I'm a good girl" I softly cry to myself, "I'm a good girl".
There's only one way to stop myself from going downhill further, I thought I had gotten over this shit, but it has come back with a vengeance.
With shaky hands I open the drawer I put my switchblade in, I open it and rub my fingertips over the cold metal hoping that was enough to bring me back to earth but it wasn't, part of me needed to do this, the other part was scared about my brothers or Papa finding out, would they hate me? Would it make me a bad girl?
I decide to do it somewhere I can keep hidden, I pull down my pyjama pants and take a deep breath as I run the blade over the skin of my upper thigh, as the blade cuts through my flesh with ease I can feel myself being able to breath more, with each cut It becomes easier and easier to breathe, the voice in my head becoming quieter and quieter, until there's only the sound of my heavy breaths.
I drop the blade next to me and look down at the mess I had made of myself, Papa would hate me so much, I'm a bad girl, I deserve this, bad girls deserve what they get.
I open a cupboard at the bottom of the counter and let out a breath of relief when I see a small first aid kit tucked away at the back. I quietly get it out and clean myself up, the cuts are superficial, nothing deep enough for stitches, just enough to realise the pain inside of me.
I finally decided to get off of the cold tiles, my eyes wandered to the mirror, I looked pathetic, with swollen and glossy eyes, and my hair looked like a bird nest from the pulling I had done to it, I needed to make myself look presentable before I go down for breakfast, so I get into the shower. The water hitting the cuts sends pain through me, but I deserve this, I'm a bad girl.
I take my time to bandage myself up, and splash cold water on my face to calm down the puffiness surrounding my eyes, I brush out the tangles and knots I had given to myself before throwing on some baggy jeans, underwear and a bra and singlet. I stop at the mirror in my room and notice one of my eyes is still red, I'll just tell them I got soap in it if they ask.
I look at the time and notice it's 9 am, I've been in the bathroom for hours. Taking a deep breath I leave my room and head to the kitchen, I can hear Papa and the boys talking in the distance, guilt consumes me but I shove it down, act normal Willow.
Once Papa sees me he smiles brightly, I try my best to mimic his "Good morning полевой цветок (wildflower)", "Good morning Papa" I respond taking my seat where I sat last night, the two boys look up from their phones and smile brightly at me saying their good mornings, "Are you excited to hang out with us, or are we still not cool enough?" Ally teases, "Still not cool enough, l but I take pity on you two" I shrug with a smirk.
"Ouch маленький цветок (little flower) you're breaking my heart," Niki says dramatically grasping his chest, I roll my eyes at him as Marco places a bowl in front of me, "A little birdie told me you don't each breakfast" He hushedly says before looking to Papa who's still smiling at me, I nod my head and say thank you to Marco.
Office Matthew must have told him that I don't like breakfast much, which I'm appreciative of. I sit in silence and listen as Papa, Ally and Niki bicker between each other. I like their relationship, it's not serious, it's freeing, I only hope I can one day be on the same level as them.
