On the Wings of Hope: Prose (Recognized)

Sofaman

Greetings, my dear and beloved viewers!

Today we will step into the amazing world of pets, full of scientific mysteries and discoveries. Take a look at what an unusual animal we have in front of us today. How absurdly he moves his chubby paws and twitches his belly slightly! This is a "sofaman ordinary".

Of course, you will ask, who is this very sofaman? Oh, my friends, this is a truly amazing creature! The sofaman was born in the domestic nature quite recently, literally some few hundred years ago, as soon as humanity began to massively produce the main environment of its future habitat – sofas. Since then, the growth of the couch potato population has exceeded all, even the wildest forecasts of earth scientists, and these individuals have gradually filled almost all the areas of apartment habitat available to them.

You might want to ask, but how do sofamen reproduce? Oh, this is truly an amazing process! All known to science specimen of sofaman reproduce by idling. Every newborn sofaman was once a representative of the "homo sapiens" species, but, as it often happens in the wild nature, instincts sometimes take their toll! Once they have succumbed to the temptation of the sofa, they no longer want to part with it. Day and night, these elderly-looking animals lie on their beloved sofas almost like the well-known sloths, and are in no hurry to slide off them, although this method of movement has been available to them almost from the very first moment of their birth. Well, isn't this the most amazing symbiosis of a representative of the world of spiritualized and non-spiritualized beings?

Just look at how our sofaman stretches on it after his regular workdays. Let's not bother, but just watch him! Look at how merrily he waves off the kids pestering him, and how melodiously his mandibles sound when he "grinds" something together with his beloved wife! How affectionately and tenderly he strokes himself on his watermelon-like belly and joyfully clicks his fingers while pressing the buttons on the remote control at the TV. How tenderly he mutters something to himself and how sweetly he falls asleep afterwards. This is a typical representative of the "sofaman ordinary".

Yes, my dear friends. Of course, you will inquire – what other types of sofaman are out there in the wilds? Our science knows several more species of these unusual creatures. And first of all, this is the "beer sofaman". The beer sofaman has one very widespread quality among representatives of the "homo sapiens" species – an almost indestructible and unbreakable love for beer! In connection with this feature, the shape of the belly of the "beer sofaman" is usually much rounder and more expressive than that of the "sofaman ordinary", and the stench it spreads around himself is even capable of scaring off some particularly intrusive representatives of the so-called "beautiful half" of the "homo sapiens" species. However, this is not a problem at all for the "beer sofaman". The thing is that nature took care of the representatives of these species and gave them the genes of social deviance and self-personal uncriticism in advance. Thanks to this, the "beer sofaman" feel absolutely no remorse from his lifestyle and can freely live on the couch for more than ten hours in a row – especially when some political or sports TV program is playing on the TV next to the sofa. Isn't that an amazing skill, my friends?

Another fairly widespread type of sofaman in the human habitat was the "false expert sofaman". Representatives of this new species all the time seem to possess some amazing, one might even say sacred knowledge, gleaned from yesterday's article on the Internet or a conversation with friends over a beer. In addition, these individuals are usually so confident in their own rightness and the wrongness of all those around them that they rush everywhere to share this very "expert" opinion, and often even do it out loud, lying on their favorite sofas, answering aloud to announcers broadcasting to them from televisions, as if these announcers were at this very moment able to hear them. How fiercely and angrily these individuals are ready to fight for the illusion of the importance of their own thoughts, using their mandibles, and stubbly belly, and paws! Especially dangerous in this regard may be a hybrid of the two aforementioned individuals, less common in the domestic nature – the "drunk sofaman", capable of seriously scratching a sloppy debater with its mandibles. My friends, I really hope that you will not encounter savage representatives of this species in the wild!

My, just look at how gently our watched "sofaman ordinary" is now hugging the sofa that sheltered him for the evening, how prettily he stretches and peacefully grumbles to himself! Well-fed, fat sofamen are almost completely harmless, which has already been repeatedly proven by biological science and personally by their wives. Let's move a little further away from him now, so as not to inadvertently scare him off and interfere with the natural process of going to bed. How funny he moves his mandibles in his sleep, as if smacking his lips and making these snoring sounds!

My friends! Today our sofaman fell asleep, but tomorrow it will fall asleep again. And he will sleep for a long time. A very long time. Right up to the very Second Coming, and perhaps even after that. What an amazing and unique creature it is, a sofaman!

2024-08-24