Irondad and Spiderson One-Shots

How not to take care of a spider child.

"Steve..."

"..."

"... you know where Peter is?"

"Maybe..."

Tony couldn't believe Steve, of all people, lost the kid. He thought the literal embodiment of responsibility would be the most trustworthy with his child.

"Are you serious?"

"I thought he wouldn't be that hard to care for. I wasn't expecting him to be gone!"

"I'm sorry, what? You weren't expecting him to be gone? What do you-"

But before Tony could finish, he noticed the empty mug with dried coffee residue.

"... you did not."

Steve didn't know what Tony meant until he followed his line of sight.

"For God's sake, Rogers. Was my kid lethargic?"

"I mean, yeah, he seemed a bit slow not too long afterward? Which is weird, since, I thought that maybe it would help him feel more... well, awake. He told me he stayed up way too late."

"Yep. F.R.I.D.A.Y, you know where my kid is?"

"On a ceiling half asleep. The interns are deeply concerned, to say the least."

"Follow me, Rogers. It's actually on me that he's missing. Come with me and see what happens when he's given coffee."

Sure enough, once they reached the lower floor, Steve was utterly horrified to see Peter slurring his words.

"What happened!? I gave him coffee, not alcohol!"

It was then that Tony explained that he forgot to tell Steve that because of Peter's spider half, he can't have coffee. It would be no different from giving him too much alcohol.

"So, yeah. Caffeine makes spiders tipsy, not hyper."

At that moment, vomit had fallen from the ceiling. 

"... yeah, I'll make sure that's cleaned up."

And this incident happened because Peter had caffeine in his system. 

Rule One: Never Give Peter Anything With Caffeine

Reason for rule: Tony Stark ( aka me, though Steve Rogers wishes to take responsibility as well. His reason: I should have had his spider half in mind when giving him anything to eat or drink).

-----

This was the second time he couldn't find Peter because of entrusting someone else to take care of him. Then again, should he have trusted Clint of all people?

"I'm a dad myself! I can take care of one kid." That was what Clint told him. 

Then again, Peter wasn't Clint's child, so should it have been a surprise that he would be pretty relaxed when it came to the rules? Thus, it shouldn't have been a surprise that he would come back to a huge mess in the living room, webs covering the ceiling, and music blaring. It was so loud, he couldn't even hear his thoughts of annoyance. And where he could find Peter.

Thankfully, he didn't even have to ask F.R.I.D.A.Y what to do, she simply stopped the music, leaving the pair frozen as they knew what that meant.

"... Clint."

"... hey Tony."

"Hi, Mr. Stark! You won't believe what we did today!"

"Oh, do tell."

All Clint could do was stand there awkwardly as Peter gave an incredibly detailed description of every rule-breaking thing they did that day.

That included: 

1) Toilet paper on the top of the tower 

2) Throwing eggs in the living room

3) Prank calling all the interns and employees 

4) Sending Bucky on a wild goose chase (by doing the typical "label animals that should be caught 1,2, and 4 so they go looking for a non-existent #3 animal, the animals being pigs, (where did they even get the pigs!?)) 

5) Putting their faces on the printer so it would make multiple copies of their dumb faces

6) Convincing Bucky to do the same because they told him that "F.R.I.D.A.Y can get a better facial profile this way"

7) Setting a glitter bomb off in Steve's room

And that's barely scratching the surface of everything else they've done. Needless to say, Clint was never entrusted with Peter ever again.

Rule 2: Never trust Clint to take care of Peter ever again, everything will go wrong (Reason for rule: does it even have to be said?).

-----

It was fail after fail with every babysitter he chose. Sam wasn't a good pick because he took Peter out to fly (Rule 3: Never take Peter outside by flight), Thor took him to Asgard (Rule 4: Never take Peter anywhere outside of Earth without my knowledge), and Bucky? Well, he didn't want to babysit at all, which was understandable (Rule 5: Never force Bucky to babysit, and don't use him to entertain Peter).

It was a good thing then that he at least still had Steve. The only one who didn't even do anything wrong. Tony just forgot to inform him. And what's more, Peter was able to enjoy having fun with Steve as his babysitter without breaking any rules (especially since most of their time together was spent on Peter listening to stories Steve was eager to tell him about his life back in the old days).

Finally, Tony can take care of important matters in peace, knowing he's going to come back to a clean place and a happy, safe, and well-cared-for Peter.