Kande Beach

Evanescent 4: A unholy flashback

Nishaan's POV:

(Night before Ferris wheel night) 4:44 A.M. 

I straddle the chair as the silk bedsheet that I had wrapped, slipped down from my shoulder. I was cradling a glass of whiskey in my trembling hand and I stared at it like a predator stare at its prey.

I was sitting in the dark, having a mental breakdown. My eyes shifted to Jackson who was lying there half naked, sleeping sound fully. I woke up abruptly and started thinking very bad thoughts.

The sex was amazing. Everything was amazing. But was I worth it? I was hating myself in this moment. A lot. Why was I feeling like he deserved someone nicer than me. Not me. 

I swirl the liquid and brought the glass to my Jackson kissed lips as I watched him, the way his chest rose and fell, unaware of the battle I was fighting inside me. 

What if he didnt enjoy me? What if he didn't like the sex? At the beginning he didn't want to but what if I forced him into this. What did I do to him? A cloud of guilt gnawed around me.

I gulped down whiskey as if it was water. It felt good in my stomach. It felt cold. I needed this cold feeling because I wasn't used to the new born warm feelings. 

I was scared he would not love me after some time. My mind was overthinking everything. What if he would like someone younger than me. What he would go back to Nicole, whose more mature and prettier than me.

Suddenly I whimper, making me realize that I was silently crying. I begged for oxygen.

I realized I had my life revolved around him. I was scared how much I was depended on him. What if he left one day? What would I do then?
"God, what have I done?" I whispered faintly as I stood up, clutching the sheet around me tightly. I walked to him and sat down beside the bed. 

"Jackson?" I called slowly.

"Baby, what's wrong?"  he asked. His voice was thick with sleep. Now I felt more bad for waking him up. I couldn't say anything but I kept clutching the sheet around me.

"There's something wrong with me," My gaze dropped as I felt disgusted with my self.  

His eyes fluttered open, fully alert now as he sat up and turned his focus to me. The moment he saw my tears, concern etched itself onto him.

"Why are you sitting there?" He reached for me, and with his support, I rose to my feet. Without hesitation, I threw myself into his embrace, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and holding him as if he were my lifeline. 

He held me tightly. After a moment, he gently pulled back to face me, cradling my face in his hands as his touch felt like god had held me.

"Nishaan? What's wrong?" he asked very seriously. I shook my head. I laid back and pulled him on top of me. I held his face.

"Can you kiss me?" I asked, feeling overwhelmed. He looked concerned. He looked puzzled. 

"Are you drunk?" it came out more like a confirmation.

"Please, I need you." the words barely escaped my lips but he heard me. He got me. He kissed my tears away and caressed my hair. 

With the support of one elbow, he removed the sheet wrapping me and fixed himself on top of me. 

"I just want you to know, whatever battle you're fighting... it is normal. Do not let it control you. You're above that. You are my sun. You are my fighter. And I love you." 

I nodded as I was having a hard time believing that.  

In no time, he thrusted into me passionately, making me moan as loud as anyone could. My body arched as my bare body met his bare body. And that was it. He took control of every thing. Me, my body and my mind.

 I realized that maybe it was the feeling of love that my body didn't know I was capable of feeling, and that was why it was trying to reject that feeling.

Instantly, all the burdens and my duality that was weighing me down, disappeared into the thin line,  like a soul leaving a body when deceased. I was heaven-struck by him. He was like my cure, taking all my pain away. 

It dawned on me later that perhaps this love - an emotion my heart had never known it could embrace. It felt foreign and overwhelming. Almost too much to handle.  As if I was trying to resist from the pull of such beautiful strong emotion.

Like, everything was going so smoothly and nicely that my heart and mind was scared that I'd mess it up.