Hers to Love

Chapter 18

It's been two weeks since the sleepover at Amir's home, still no contact of him. She didn't know what happened. she is afraid to ask his family. they might suspect something. I don't want to be embarassed. I must admit that this is more than admiration already and I hate myself for feeling this way.  

It's been two weeks since the sleepover at Amir's home, and still, no word from him. The silence has grown heavier each day, gnawing at Maria's thoughts and leaving her in a state of uncertainty. She replays the moments they shared in her mind, trying to understand what went wrong, but the answers elude her. Despite the warm welcome she received from Amir's family, she can't shake the feeling that something has changed.

Maria wants to reach out, to ask his family if he's okay, but fear holds her back. She's terrified that they might suspect something more between them and that her inquiry could spark uncomfortable questions or, worse, lead to embarrassment. The thought of them knowing how deeply she cares for Amir, when she isn't even sure if he feels the same, fills her with dread.

"I don't want to be embarrassed," she tells herself, trying to muster the courage to move on. But the truth is, it's not just about avoiding embarrassment. It's about protecting her heart from the vulnerability that comes with admitting how much she's come to care for him. What started as admiration has grown into something deeper, something that she can no longer ignore or brush aside.

"I must admit that this is more than admiration already," she confesses quietly, feeling the weight of those words. It scares her to realize how much she has allowed herself to feel, especially for someone who seems to have suddenly vanished from her life without explanation.

And with that realization comes a wave of self-loathing. "I hate myself for feeling this way," Maria thinks, frustrated by her own emotions. She never intended to let things get this far, to let her heart become so entangled with someone who might not see her the same way. Yet, here she is, caught in a web of feelings that she wishes she could untangle but doesn't know how.

I've always prided myself on being in control of my emotions. I've faced tough situations, heard harsh words, and dealt with people who tried to bring me down, but I never let them get to me. I built walls, carefully crafted to protect myself, to keep anyone from seeing just how much they could hurt me. No one has ever truly made me feel low, not like this.

But then there's Amir. With him, it's different. He's managed to get past those walls, and now I'm left standing here, feeling uncertain and vulnerable in a way I've never experienced before. It's maddening, really, how someone who was once just a friendly face has now become the person who occupies my thoughts, making me question everything.

Amir gives me this uncertainty about myself that I can't seem to shake. When I'm around him, I feel off-balance, like I'm constantly trying to find my footing but can't quite manage. I hate it. I hate that he has this power over me, this ability to make me doubt myself and my worth.

I know I need to do something about it. I can't keep waiting around, hoping for a message or a sign from him. It's not healthy, and it's certainly not me. I've always been strong, independent, and in control. I need to get back to that.

Maybe I should just divert my attention, find something—or someone—else to focus on. It sounds cold, but maybe it's what I need. If I can redirect my thoughts, remind myself that there are other people out there, maybe I can regain that control I've lost. It's not about replacing Amir or pretending he didn't mean anything; it's about protecting myself, about finding my way back to the person I used to be before all of this.

I can't keep letting this uncertainty rule my life. I need to move forward, with or without him.