30: crashing

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If someone watched Nila from the outside, they would assume she was a hardworking student who was exhausted from work

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If someone watched Nila from the outside, they would assume she was a hardworking student who was exhausted from work. Only she knew that she was crumbling on the inside. And to keep her from focusing on the fragments chipping away from her sane mind, she grappled with work and more work. It's been five days since Nila came to know about her pre-existing connection with Vijay and his family. Instead of that answering her non-existent questions, it only gave rise to more uncomfortable questions. She wanted to gather her strength and face them head-on, but when she heard her sister's voice or Vijay's, her resolve shattered. She wanted to protect them as much as she could from the little piece of information and by hiding it, Nila thought she was achieving the goal. But sometimes, she wondered if she was causing more damage instead.

How long was she going to hide it from them? How long was she going to hide from this?

Whenever she thought about these questions, guilt nagged at her. Both of them had the right to know but she wished she wasn't the one to break it to them. She wished she could be on the oblivious receiving end and have the liberty of reacting to the news spontaneously. But that was also incredibly selfish of her.

Another major thing that was making her feel uneasy was that the blind hope she had for her and Vijay's future had been destroyed into pieces. The fact that her parents had been so opposed to her sister marrying into Vijay's family for some reason and having watched her sister go through so much manipulation and threatening to let go of the one person she loved --- it made her hands tremble in fear. She would never wish that sort of heartbreak and pain on anyone and especially not on Vijay. She wondered if ending this relationship now would be a better option than prolonging it and then having it snatched away from her permanently. She never wanted to let go of Vijay but by doing that if she could save him some pain, then she had to. It was the least she could do for being the reason their relationship wouldn't work out.

"Can you move to the side, please?" someone asked, breaking her thoughts. A middle-aged woman towered over her with her little son clinging to her knees. Nila scooted towards the right, making space. The mother sat the kid down.

Nila smiled at the kid but the kid turned his attention to the toy car in his hand.

Huh.

It seemed like the whole world was poised on making her feel shitty.

The metro was packed during this time because it was when everyone got off work. But the metro was better than the bus – it was clean, it was air-conditioned and there were coaches for women only. She felt much safer and comfortable here. She unlocked her phone to look at the time.

"Oh, you're married?" The middle-aged woman asked. As she was standing in front of her, she had a good view of Nila's phone.

"Um, no," Nila said, slipping her phone into her bag. First of all, it was rude to spy on other's phones and second, it was downright nasty if you chose to question them about it. This woman was smiling, still waiting for her reply as if she wasn't aware of basic decorum. Nila sighed, "It's my boyfriend."

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