Tʜᴇᴀ's Lɪᴛᴛʟᴇ : Aᴄᴇ Eᴠᴀɴ

[Nine]

It's Ace's milky time so I prepare the formula and check the temperature, gotta make sure my baby doesn't burn his tongue, then get Ace from his playpen.

"Mama, nu! Dawin'." He pouts as I pry him from his art supplies—he was too immersed in his drawing. I put him on my hip, walking up the steps to his room.

"Later. It's time to drink and nap. Otherwise you'd be cranky." I boop his nose, and he sighs, not pushing further.

I settle us on the rocking chair, with Ace on my lap in a cradle position, and slightly lean back before holding the bottle to his mouth. His lips part as he latches on and I slowly push with my foot so the chair's gently rocking us.

"My sweet boy." I softly murmur, staring at the silver specs in his alluring eyes as he stares right back at me as if I'd hung the stars, my heart all but melts, his emotions so raw and unfiltered, they nuzzle directly my soul. "I love you so much." I kiss his forehead.

Ace silenlty suckles on the bottle, staring at me till his eyes grow heavy and I continue to whisper to him in sweet, soothing tone, till his eyes droop and he's alseep. I hold the bottle a couple more minutes to make sure he doesn't wake up when I pull it away.

When I'm sure he's deep in sleep, I tuck him in his bed, snuggling 'Anna'—his horse plushie—to his side and kiss his head before leaving the room. He looks so cute all jammed up under the covers.

While he naps, I get on with my assignments, I need to finish and submit them before the end of this week, so that I can graduate next month. I've also commenced chipping in office work every now and then. Honestly, I really enjoy working. They keep me sated and happy.

I'm halfway done with my course papers when I'm startled by the loud cry fizzing through the baby monitor. That's how I jump on my feet and scramble up to my baby's room. He never really shrills like that, something must have happened.

"Acey! What's wrong, baby?"

I rush to his bed where he's sitting up with tears streaming down his cheeks, hands gripping the edge of the covers tightly.

"My poor baby." I lift him up in my arms, patting his bottom since it always helps calm him down. "Talk to mama. What happened? Did you have a nightmare?"

He continues to sniffle and whimper, clinging onto me. That's when I notice how warm he is, persperiation soaking his onesie to his body, he's even shaking a little.

Immediate concern and panic deflate me as I sit him on the changing table and take a better look at his face.

"Baby, you're burning up!" I exclaim, blotting his face with a clean cotton napkin, putting the back of my hand against his forehead and neck. "We need to get you some medicine."

"Nu, mama! Nu yucky!" He wails, more tears cascading down his paling cheeks, and my heart starts thudding from increasing worry.

"Shh, baby. It's okay, don't cry. Mama's got you. Mama will help you get better." I pick him up once again, and pace around the room—my priority is to calm him down first then blend fever reducing pills in his bottle and feed him.

"Scawy 'mare. T-they tuk me. Huwt me." He whispers through hiccups, it's not unclear to me that by 'they' he means the social service. Why's my baby worrying about that? "No 'eave mama! Pwease, no 'eave." He whimpers.

Tightening my arms around him, I blink back my tears, it breaks my heart to even imagine leaving my baby, let alone hand him over to the social service. I'd fight the whole world if I have to, to keep him with me.

"No one's ever gonna take you from me, you hear me? Never. Mama will fight off all the bad guys and stay with her baby forever. I promise. You don't ever have to worry about that."

I kiss his temple, peppering more kisses to his face and cheek, holding him close in my arms till he's not sniffling or hiccuping anymore, just lying there.

Tapping his bottom, I note he hasn't used his diaper yet. So there's no need to change him. But he does need a change of clothes because of how drenched he is. I lie him on the changing table and remove his clothes, powdering his arms and armpits then put a clean onesie on him. Carrying him back to his bed, I put him down.

"Baby, mama will be back in a minute. I'll get a bowl of cold water to help reduce your fever, okay? Be a strong boy and hold onto Anna for me." I say and he nods.

I quickly get the bowl and fill it with ice cubes then grab a washclothe on my way back to his room. He's sitting quietly and often trembling, the sight makes my chest wince.

He looks so vulnerable. I wish I could take away all his insecurities and doubts, I just want him to be happy and carefree, both big and little.

"Hey, love. Mama's back."

I smile a little and lie him down, placing the soaked washclothe on his forehead. He shivers from the coolness of it and I hold his hand, bringing it up to my lips and kissing his knuckles.

He doesn't speak for a while and I think he's fallen asleep till he breaks the silence with a tiny voice.

"You're not gonna give me up because I'm too much, right?"

The hell he's talking about?!

I am ready to yell at him for even thinking of such an obscene thing but considering his physical health, I compose myself and dab the washclothe along his neck and chest.

"I don't know where is this coming from, Ace, but I'll continue to tell you, no matter how many times you need me to, that I love you and I love taking care of you. I'd not trade you for the world. It pains me physically to think you still doubt my love for you." My voice cracks by the end and I stop, not meeting his eyes and just focusing on reducing his fever.

"I'll get the medication for you." I say and get up.

Thanks to to his big headspace, he doesn't refuse the pills and takes them with a glass of water, swallowing and wincing which leads me to believe he's got a scratchy throat as well. I really need to take him to the doctors for a check-up. Which would be easier if he stayed big, but I can't ask him of that.

"Try to get some sleep till the pills kick in. I'm gonna be right back."

I attempt to leave but he grabs my wrist, preventing me from stepping away, I gulp painfully.

"I'm sorry." He mutters dejectedly. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm just so- why am I like this, Thea? Why can't I just accept all the good things that happen to me? I hate myself for always saying the wrong thing and making you upset. I promise I believe you. I know you love me more than anything and I love you too, but the voices. They never stop." He sobs.

I can't see him like this and not break into tears. So the best thing I can do is comfort him. That's what I do, climb on his baby bed and pull him into my chest, hugging the crap out of him.

"How about we seek some help? Do you think you'd like that? We can go to someone who specialises in Littles. Would you want that?"

Ace stays quiet, his face buried in my chest and arms wrapped around my torso, thankfully his temperature feels a lot less now. I continue to card my fingers through his hair, untangling the knots and leaving small kisses across his scalp, offering him time to think over everything I said.

"I'll be here for you, every step of the way, whatever you decide. We will start right after we sign the final documents from the government, I will take you for the sessions and be there with you the whole time." I softly encourage.

It's high time he sought help. He has always refused, saying I am enough for his healing. But deep down, his demons still haunt him, his past still chase him, and it terrifies me that someday they'd catch up to him and snatch him away from me. For ever.

Amidst the storm of my raging thoughts, his timid voice transcends through, suppling me instantly.

"I'd like that."

☃︎•••~~~•••☃︎

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