always, i'll care

i don't know if i can continue writing this

March 2018,

I randomly watched NCT 2018 on Weekly Idol because I found it ridiculous that 18 members were in one group. You caught my eye with your smile and your silent humour.

I didn’t think much of it, but then YouTube recommended a video of you covering The Little Prince by Ryeowook. I watched every available cover at that time, but yours was the one that made the song yours. You put your identity into that song without changing anything, respecting the original singer. I instantly fell for you.

By July 2018, I decided to love you.

At that time, I was having a bad year. Ryeowook enlisted, and I didn’t know what to do with my life. I didn’t know if I wanted to study, I didn’t know if I wanted to work – everything I did failed. I wondered if anything would ever work out for me. And then you came, dragging my thoughts away from my worries. You provided comfort.

Some people may say that your silence and nonchalance mean you don't like your fans, don’t do fanservice, or don’t love your job. But for me, I liked you that way. I’ve come to dislike people who talk too much, then I ended up not knowing anything about you because you don’t talk. Everything I know about you is from your members, friends, and the people who work with you.

Honestly, I love your silence.

You never claimed to be nice; you always tried to show us that you weren’t flawless. In Huya Live, a fan said you looked kind, and you replied, "I am not as kind as I look." I held onto those words and told myself to always accept your flaws.

When the news broke, I didn’t want to believe it—I even chuckled a bit because I had always guessed you were someone who enjoyed sex. You enjoyed clubbing, you had a lot of friends, and I figured, one way or another, you were bound to trip. I told myself that. The worst scandal I could think of at that moment was that you’d get someone pregnant.

I told myself this to prepare. And I never loved you as a man—I loved you as a singer, and I believed you could be huge with that voice. I still love your voice now, and I don’t think I will ever love another voice more than yours. It’s such a waste.

Out of all the idol singers I’ve stanned, you are the only one I ever mentioned in my sujud. I love you so much it hurts—it stabs my chest whenever I think of how hard it was for you to be a singer under SM. I always prayed only the best for you. I mentioned you in my dua.

In my future, I pictured myself listening to your album while washing dishes and doing housework. You were always present in my future.

I am still in denial, even right now, three days after the news broke.

I want to protect the victim, as I know how hard it is to be harassed—sexually harassed. I want you to be punished, to serve your time. What you did was horrible.

I still love you. How can I hate someone who helped me get through my life for six years? Your songs provided comfort.

Please think about your actions. You don’t deserve an apology from the victim—you should live with the shame on your shoulders because your victim will have to suffer from your stupid actions for the rest of her life.

I will slowly try to unlove you.