Revolting Rhymes

Goldilock and the Three Bears

"This famous wicked little tale
Should never have been put on sale
It is a mystery to me
Why loving parents cannot see
That this is actually a book
About a brazen little crook..."

"...Now just imagine how you'd feel
If you had cooked a lovely meal,
Delicious porridge, steaming hot,
Fresh coffee in the coffee pot,
With maybe toast and marmalade,
The table beautifully laid,
One place for you and one for dad,
Another for your little lass.
Then dad cries, 'Golly–gosh! Gee whizz!
'Oh cripes! How hot this porridge is!
'Let's take a walk along the street
'Until it's cool enough to eat.'
He adds, 'An early morning stroll
'Is good for people on the whole.
'It makes your appetite improve
'It also helps your bowels move.'
No proper husband would dare to question
Such a sensible suggestion,
Above all not at breakfast–time
When women are seldom at their prime.
No sooner are you down the road
Than Goldilock, that little toad
That nosey thieving little louse,
Comes sneaking in your empty house...."

"...(Here comes the next catastrophe.)
Most educated people choose
To rid themselves of socks and shoes
Before they clamber into bed.
But Golden didn't give a shred.
His filthy shoes were thick with grime,
And mud and mush and slush and slime.
Worse still, upon the heel of one
Was something that a dog had done.
I say once more, what would you think
If all this horrid dirt and stink
Was smeared upon your eiderdown
By this revolting little clown?
(The famous story has no clues
To show the boy removed his shoes.)

Oh, what a tale of crime on crime!
Let's check it for a second time.

Crime One, the prosecution's case:
He breaks and enters someone's place.

Crime Two, the prosecutor notes:
He steals a bowl of porridge oats.

Crime Three: He breaks a precious chair
Belonging to the Baby Bear.

Crime Four: He smears each spotless sheet
With filthy messes from his feet.

A judge would say without a blink,
'Ten years hard labour in the clink!'
But in the book, as you will see,
The little beast gets off scot–free,
While tiny children near and far
Shout 'Goody–good! Hooray! Hurrah!'
'Poor darling Goldilock!' they say,
'Thank goodness that he got away!'
Myself, I think I'd rather send
Young Golden to a sticky end.
'Oh mommy!' cried the Baby Bear,
'My porridge gone! It isn't fair!'
'Then go upstairs,' the Big Bear said,
'Your porridge is upon the bed.
'But as it's inside Maestro,
'You'll have to eat him up as well."