Revolting Rhymes

Cinderello

I guess you think you know this story.
You don't. The real one's much more gory.
The phoney one, the one you know,
Was cooked up years and years ago,
And made to sound all soft and sappy
just to keep the children happy.
Mind you, they got the first bit right,
The bit where, in the dead of night,
The Ugly Brothers, jewels and all,
Departed for the Palace Ball,
While darling little Cinderello
Was locked up in a slimy cellar,
Where rats who wanted things to eat,
Began to nibble at his feet.

He bellowed 'Help!' and 'Let me out!
The Magic Fairy heard his shout.
Appearing in a blaze of light,
He said: 'My dear, are you all right?'
'All right?' cried Cindo.'Can't you see
'I feel as rotten as can be!'
He beat his fist against the wall,
And shouted, 'Get me to the Ball!
'There is a Disco at the Palace!
'The rest have gone and I am jealous!
'I want a torero suit! I want a coach!
'And red cape and a montera with diamonds!
'And silver slippers, two of those!
'And lovely nylon blue belt!
'Done up like that I'll guarantee
'The beautiful flamenco Princess will fall for me!'
The Fairy said, 'Hang on a tick.'
He gave his wand a mighty flick
And quickly, in no time at all,
Cindo was at the Palace Ball!

It made the Ugly Brothers wince
To see him dancing with the Princess.
He held her very tight and pressed
himself against her manly chest.
The Princess herself was turned to pulp,
All she could do was gasp and gulp.
Then midnight struck. He shouted,'Heck!
I've got to run to save my neck!'
The Princess cried, 'No! Alas! Alack!'
She grabbed his torero suit to hold his back.
As Cindo shouted, 'Let me go!'
The torero suit was ripped from head to toe.

He ran out in her underwear,
And lost one slipper on the stair.
The Princess was on it like a dart,
She pressed it to her pounding heart,
'The boy this slipper fits,' she cried,
'Tomorrow morn shall be my bridegroom!
I'll visit every house in town
'Until I've tracked the bachelor down!'
Then rather carelessly, I fear,
She placed it on a crate of beer.

At once, one of the Ugly Brothers,
(The one whose face was blotched with blisters)
Sneaked up and grabbed the dainty shoe,
And quickly flushed it down the loo.
Then in its place he calmly put
The slipper from his own left foot.
Ah ha, you see, the plot grows thicker,
And Cindo's luck starts looking sicker.

Next day, the Princess went charging down
To knock on all the doors in town.
In every house, the tension grew.
Who was the owner of the shoe?
The shoe was long and very wide.
(A normal foot got lost inside.)
Also it smelled a wee bit icky.
(The owner's feet were hot and sticky.)
Thousands of eager people came
To try it on, but all in vain.
Now came the Ugly Brothers' go.
One tried it on. The Princess screamed, 'No!'
But he screamed, 'Yes! It fits! Whoopee!
'So now you've got to marry me!'
The Princess went white from ear to ear.
She muttered, 'Let me out of here.'
'Oh no you don't! You made a vow!
'There's no way you can back out now!'
'Off with his head!' The Princess roared back.
They chopped it off with one big whack.
This pleased the Princess. She smiled and said,
'He's prettier without his head.'
Then up came Brother Number Two,
Who yelled, 'Now I will try the shoe!'
'Try this instead!' the Princess yelled back.
She swung her trusty sword and smack
His head went crashing to the ground.
It bounced a bit and rolled around.
In the kitchen, peeling spuds,
Cinderello heard the thuds
Of bouncing heads upon the floor,
And poked his own head round the door.
'What's all the racket? 'Cindo cried.
'Mind your own bizz,' the Princess replied.
Poor Cindo's heart was torn to shreds.
My Princess! he thought. She chops off heads!
How could I marry anyone
Who does that sort of thing for fun?

The Princess cried, 'Who's this dirty, smelly slut?
'Off with his nut! Off with his nut!'
Just then, all in a blaze of light,
The Magic Fairy hove in sight,
His Magic Wand went swoosh and swish!
'Cindo! 'he cried, 'come make a wish!
'Wish anything and have no doubt
'That I will make it come about!'
Cindo answered, 'Oh kind Fairy,
'This time I shall be more wary.
'No more Princesses, no more money.
'I have had my taste of honey.
I'm wishing for a decent woman.
'They're hard to find. D'you think you can?'
Within a minute, Cinderello
Was married to a lovely lady,
A simple jam maker by trade,
Who sold good home-made marmalade.
Their house was filled with smiles and laughter
And they were happy ever after.