Under My Body

chapter six

      Xavier didn't come home last night. Around 2 AM, he sent a text apologizing and telling me he'd be home for lunch instead. I wasn't able to sleep the entire night.

I tossed and turned, trying to push away the thoughts that kept intruding into my mind, but they persisted. I couldn't stop thinking about Asher. What is it about him that pulls me in? Is it his mysterious demeanor, or is it simply how attractive he looks? The question pounded in my head, refusing to let go.

It's funny how I don't even know why I'm attracted to him. Maybe it's the mystery surrounding him—especially the whole 'I don't have a leg' thing. I felt a pang of guilt at the thought. "Omg, that is messed up. Shut up, Malar," I spoke out loud to myself, trying to silence the inner turmoil.

But then, suddenly, Brie-Ann popped into my head. I couldn't help but wonder if they were together. The way Brie acted earlier, the possessiveness in her tone, almost answered the question for me. It was like a warning—stay away.

"You need to stop this, Malar. You can't like him. What is wrong with you?" I questioned myself, groaning in frustration as I glanced at the alarm clock. 3:42 AM.

Another groan escaped my lips. I felt ridiculous, obsessing over a man I barely knew. But if they're together, then I need to stop and back off. It's not like I'm ready to commit to a relationship anyway.

The last relationship I was in lasted four years, and it was a bad one. The way he treated me, the way he handled me, the way he used me... Angry tears welled up in my eyes as the memories flashed before me, memories I had tried so hard to bury for a year.

I remembered how it all started, how he was charming, attentive, everything I thought I wanted. But over time, his true colors showed. He became controlling, manipulative, always needing to be in charge. I was young and naive, thinking that if I just loved him enough, if I just tried harder, things would get better. But they didn't. He only got worse.

He would belittle me in public, make me feel small and insignificant. Behind closed doors, it was even worse. He was a master at gaslighting, twisting my words and actions until I didn't even trust myself anymore. He made me feel like I was the problem, that I was lucky he even stayed with me.

And the worst part? I believed him. I stayed with him, enduring the emotional abuse because I was too scared to leave. Too scared of being alone. Too scared of the unknown.

The breaking point came when he started getting physical. It wasn't often, but when it happened, it shook me to my core. The first time, I remember thinking it was my fault, that I had pushed him too far. But the second time, I realized this wasn't something I could fix.

It took everything in me to walk away, but I did. I packed my bags, left in the middle of the night, and never looked back. The scars from that relationship are still there, still fresh in some ways. They've made me cautious, wary of letting anyone get too close.

So why, after everything, am I feeling this pull toward Asher? Maybe it's because I sense something broken in him, something that mirrors my own pain. But that's not a reason to get involved. If anything, it's a reason to stay away.

Exhausted from my overthinking, I finally drifted off to sleep, my mind still swirling with unanswered questions.

When morning came, I found myself in the kitchen, making tea. The comforting aroma of the brewing tea helped to ground me, pulling me out of the emotional fog that had settled over me during the night. As I poured the hot water into the cup, I heard Penny walk in. She greeted me with a warm smile, her presence always bringing a sense of calm. Penny was like a mother figure, always so kind and nurturing. She noticed the tiredness in my eyes, and without saying a word, she joined me at the kitchen counter.