Under My Body

chapter twenty-two

**warning: content about abuse**

           After what seemed like hours of walking, I found myself at the same beach—the very one where the gang and I had the potluck and where the girls had brought me to talk. In a short period of time, this beach had started to hold a strange significance in my heart. It was as if it had become a place of refuge for me, somewhere to go when I didn't know where else to turn. Honestly, I didn't even know where I was headed when I stormed out of that restaurant. I just knew I couldn't go back to Penny's. I couldn't face anyone right now. I needed to be alone. Somehow, my legs had a mind of their own and led me here—back to this beach.

I walked further down, the sand creeping into my sandals, but I didn't care. I didn't care that I was wearing clothes that were completely inappropriate for a beach—jeans sticking to my legs, a blouse that was too formal for this place, and my face ruined by streaks of mascara. Stupid me for not wearing waterproof mascara. But even that seemed insignificant now, like nothing could compare to the weight crushing down on me.

Before I knew it, I was at the same spot where the lone tree stood. The same spot where where Asher had found me, sharing desserts and sitting in comfortable silence. 

I dropped to the sand, my back pressed against the tree. My head thudded lightly against the bark as I stared at the horizon, the endless stretch of water meeting the sky. But no amount of serene views could drown out the storm inside me.

What was he even doing here? Especially in Toronto, of all places? The last time I saw Derek, he was in Denver. Was his fiancée Canadian? Something felt off. How did he find me? After years of getting over him, years of therapy, healing, trying to stitch together the pieces of who I used to be, how could he just show up? What kind of cruel joke was God playing with me?

I hugged my knees to my chest, pulling them tight as if that could somehow hold me together. Thank God no one was here to see me falling apart, ugly crying on the sand. My breathing started coming out uneven, shaky. My vision blurred even more, and I felt that familiar tightness in my chest.

Fuck, am I getting a panic attack?

Why can't I have one day of peace? Just one day where I'm not haunted by my past. One day where I can breathe, smile, laugh, and not feel like the world is caving in around me. Why is it so hard? Why me? I'm so tired. So fucking tired.

And Derek? How the hell is he even getting married? How can a guy like him—someone so cruel, so monstrous—find someone? How does someone like him even deserve love? And I am here, crying my eyes out over someone who made a fool out of me. I really need to stop this act of mine.

My heart clenched painfully as another thought crept into my mind. God, does Willow even know what kind of person he is?

My breath hitched. My mind raced, spiraling out of control. Does he hit her too? What if he's doing the same thing to her that he did to me? What if she's just like I was—silent, smiling through the pain, pretending that everything is fine while she's breaking inside? Trapped, just like I had been, with no one to turn to, no way to escape.