Destined by Chance

Chapter 27

Simi hadn't expected to get entangled in her dress and fall. But she did. And Neil had been too close. When he had framed her face to make sure she was okay she had remembered the kiss they had shared not so long ago. She had remembered how cherished she had felt. How revered. But with so many people around them consciousness hadn't been far away. Here in the confines of their room they were all alone. It was wrong. Her thoughts. They were dangerous thoughts. She should stop. But she wanted him to kiss her. Not because they stood under a mistletoe and it was a tradition. Not because strangers urged them to. But because they wanted to. As his face had come closer she had seen the softness in his eyes. The warmth of his hands on her skin had burnt her. The golden flecks in his eyes had darkened. And she was a goner. She couldn't have stopped even if the snow had suddenly started to pour over her head freezing her. And when he had lowered his head towards her she had met him halfway. The magic recreated itself around them. And she forgot where she was.

She loved this man. And that was the only thing that mattered. Time had suspended itself for her. She had wanted it to go on when she felt him pull away from her. And she let him. Too bemused to do anything else. Before she knew he had moved away from her and she could feel it. Not just physically but even emotionally and mentally. He had risen to walk all the way to the fireplace with his back to her.

"Neil," she called out softly. And saw him hang his head as his hands came to his sides. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"What's wrong," she heard him repeat and then laugh. Only his laughter held no mirth in it. "What just happened Simi," he said as he drew in a deep breath, "it wasn't supposed to happen. It should not have happened," he said and shook his head with obvious irritation.

Simi rose from her seat on the couch more carefully this time. She held her long skirt in her hand as she approached him.

"We kissed Neil," she said softly, "that's all," she said.

"Is that it Simi?" Neil said tightly as he turned around to face her, "Come on, you know better than that. As far as I know you are not into casual kissing are you?" he said agitatedly.

"We kissed earlier this evening too Neil, you didn't seem as upset then," she pointed out.

"That was different," Neil ground out.

"How?" Simi asked as she took another step towards him, "How was it any different except that was before tens of people and right now we were alone," she said not liking his tone. What they had shared was something beautiful and he was making it ugly.

"That was different because we were pretending to be married," Neil said almost angry now.

"Were you pretending to feel every emotion you did then?" Simi asked feeing hurt now.

"That is not the point," Neil said loudly, "look, we are friends, kind of, this situation that landed us together is unusual too but in the little span of time I guess we have found a few things about each other," he said trying to keep his tone normal, "I am not in for relationships short or long term and I made that very clear the first day we met," he said reminding her of his stance, "and you are in for relationships. Hell, you are looking for a guy to get married to. You tell me why we should have kissed just now," he asked.

"Because we wanted to," Simi replied simply, "you and I are different. I agree. And I am looking for a man I can settle down with but I haven't found one yet," she argued and saw him look warily at her, "I am free of attachments and so are you. So even if we kissed what is the big deal," she asked.

"You are not the kind who would kiss and forget Simi," Neil said shaking his head, "this is all wrong," he told her.

"Not if I felt like doing it," Simi said taking a stand, "you have everything figured out in that brain of yours," she said as she smiled wryly, "I am more traditional, so a casual kiss is not for me, you have your issues so it is wrong of you to kiss me, stop dissecting what we shared Neil," Simi said almost pleadingly, "we kissed because we wanted to, that is it. It was beautiful. Don't make it ugly please," she said, "tell me you didn't feel anything. Tell me Neil. Tell me it was nothing to you because if that were the case you wouldn't have stopped," she went on and saw an anguished look on his face, "tell me that is not how it is. You care for me, isn't that why you are worried," she asked and Neil looked away, "you felt something, and that something scared you because it doesn't go with your carefully laid out plans. Because it is an alien concept for your brain to grasp but your heart wants it. When you described how you wanted your life partner to be somewhere you had pictured her," she said nailing the reasons one by one, "you wanted her to love you unconditionally because you are scared, scared you might hurt her because of how your parents have been but you are not them Neil, don't you see, you are a different person with different sensibilities," she said moving closer to him, "deep down you don't want to be alone Neil, but you are scared because if that weren't the case you wouldn't have been upset with Robbie for breaking Preet's heart. Tell me honestly that is not how you feel," she challenged him.

"And now you have me all figured out," Neil said angrily. She was speaking the truth he knew it. But he wasn't going to let her get away with it. "So you wanted to kiss me too," he asked.

And Simi straightened her shoulders.

"Yes," she answered. She was asking him to be honest then she should be honest with him too.

"Why?" Neil asked. "You changed your appearance Simi not yourself. So why would a shy, traditional, pro commitment girl want to kiss a man she met only two days ago," he asked as he folded his arms across his chest.

"Because she cares for the man," Simi answered sincerely and saw surprise flicker in his eyes, "because she likes the man she has spent time with in the last two days," she went on and saw him open his mouth as if to stop her but no words came out, "because she fell in love with the man she shared so many things with in the past two days, the man who helped put a soothing salve on her wounds, the man who made sure she was safe and fine, the man who was angry on her account because a bunch of idiots had hurt her self-respect, the man who worries over her because she is worried," she said and took in a deep breath bracing for his rejection.

She knew it was coming. She could see the shock etch on his face. His eyes went big and his jaw practically dropped open. She knew her heart would break. She could feel the beginning of pain. But she won't cry before him even though her eyes filled with unshed tears. He didn't deserve it. He deserved her thanks. He deserved her gratitude. Hell, he deserved her love but not her tears. He hadn't hurt her. He had been clear in his intentions since the beginning. She was the one who had gone ahead and fallen in love. He hadn't asked her to. He had been a good friend. A good teacher. But she couldn't have stopped herself from saying those words to him. He deserved to know the truth and then decide for himself. It was hope against hope and she unknowingly crossed her fingers.

"Simi..." he started then paused. His voice sounded hoarse. He closed his eyes and then opened them again. "I don't know what to say," he said and then he composed himself, "I am sorry, I had no idea you felt so deeply but I am not ready for any kind of commitment. And I never will be. I am not in love with you, and I am not the right man for you either, you are a great girl and you deserve better," he told her in a matter of fact manner, "I am sorry," he said quietly.

Simi just stood there looking at him. She had expected it. And she understood. Some feelings were so deeply rooted that it took a conscious effort to get over them and clearly he wasn't ready to make that effort. Maybe she wasn't the right girl for him. Maybe when he did meet that someone special he would be able to get past his misgivings. The dam was ready to burst. She had to get away. To the safety of her room.

"Don't be sorry Neil, I am not," she said just as quietly. It was an effort but she made it anyway and smiled a little, "I understand," she said, "I am sorry I made you feel awkward please don't worry about anything, nothing has changed between us," she told him. Was her voice breaking? She hoped not. "Would you like to take the bed tonight?" she asked.

And Neil shook his head in the negative slowly.

"Well then, I guess it is very late," she said and forced her lips to keep the smile on, "goodnight," she said and turned to walk away from him.

God it was so difficult. But she had to. With her head held high and a straight back she walked all the way to her room and then closed the doors behind her. She needed to cry. To let the pain flow before numbness hit her. Her eyes were hurting her. And her chest was aching. She wanted to howl but she couldn't. Maybe when she reached her apartment she could. She rushed to the bathroom. For how long she was going to stay there she had no idea. So she sat on the marble floor and opened the doors to the dam and let the tears flow.

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