Destined by Chance

Chapter 15

Simi wasn't in the mood to eat. She kept toying with her fork. She was still unfocussed. Still under the influence. And despite that she knew she shouldn't have done what she had. Throwing a tantrum like that and venting her anger by drinking wasn't a solution. And that too in front of Neil. What would he think? He must have formed the worst possible opinion of her. Already. Why was everything such a mess? Why?

'They said no', her mother's voice boomed in her head for the nth time and she frowned. 'Till when is this going to go on Simi', she had said. 'For how long am I going to keep finding good boys for you and you are going to ruin everything by being...you', she had said angrily. Simi closed her eyes. That was the voice she had tried to drown by getting drunk. Since her trying to be honest to herself and others was a problem maybe she should try being someone else, someone those dumb and good for nothing boys might appreciate.

'So you are a teacher', 'How come you aren't in any of the big professions your family is quite successful at those', 'Teacher....hmmmm...that's nice', 'You are not into adventure sports', 'You seem way too conservative', 'Too traditional', 'Too plain', 'Too simple', 'No boyfriend, why not', 'You are straight right'.... Simi wanted to close her ears and drown all those voices that were giving her a headache. What did they all want from her? This was who she was. Why couldn't they accept her for who she was? Why?

"The food is not of your liking," another voice penetrated her foggy state of mind.

For a second Simi was confused. Who had said that? No. It was no one from the past. She hadn't met any guy with a voice like that. And she opened her eyes. She looked at Neil. And her mind cleared for a bit.

She stared at him. He was similar to all those men wasn't he? He wouldn't look twice at her either. So what if he had taken her profession in stride and hadn't raised an eyebrow at it. So what if he had laughed with her and made her feel comfortable, he wasn't here to view her as a matrimonial prospect. Even if he had been there for that reason it would be rejection all over again. She wasn't beautiful enough, or smart enough or successful enough. She wasn't any fun. Who read books these days with the Kindles and the tabs? Who listened to old Hindi songs when some idiot was making Vodka the fashion statement? Who believed in values and virtues when being without them was the 'in' thing? But Neil wasn't into any of those things, a lone voice said somewhere in her head. And she frowned at it. Still, he was one of them, came back the angry response.

"Do you think I am beautiful?" she asked harshly.

He looked surprised. As if he wasn't sure what she was talking about. And she kept her food plate on the side and pinned him with her gaze. Her brain was still fuzzy but at least she wasn't seeing two of him anymore. She wanted to know what he thought, what he would say. He might not say anything but still she braced herself for the worst. She wanted him to be honest with her.

"Where did that come from?" Neil asked cautiously.

"Answer the question," Simi said stubbornly, "do you think I am beautiful?" she asked again.

"You want an honest opinion," Neil said keeping his tone casual as he set his plate on the table, "you think you would be able to take it in your current state," he asked as he sat back in his seat and looked carefully at her.

Simi bobbed her head. A little too much maybe. Her vision turned blurry for a second. But it cleared somewhat in a matter of another few.

"No, you are not beautiful," Neil said honestly and saw the pain in her eyes and the tears that quickly welled up in their depths but she refused to look away and Neil decided to go ahead with what he had to say, "you wouldn't classify in the conventional terms of beauty but..." he said and paused a little choosing his words carefully, "you are a beautiful person Simi," he told her and smiled when she looked confused. Her brain wasn't grasping the meaning of his words and he knew why was that. What he wanted to know was what had triggered such a reaction from her? "They say 'beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder' in short, what someone sees in you and admires in you is what is beauty," he said trying to make it as simple, "I see the person beneath the surface and I find her beautiful, but maybe that wasn't your question," he said.