Find Me (continuation of "Help me to love again")

Division

Vegas

Winter is well into its infancy, plunging our lives into a coldness that extends far beyond the climate. Everything is getting on my nerves these days, even Pete, and our arguments have become more frequent. The tension is palpable, ever-present, making every interaction fraught with innuendo and built-up resentment.

We ended up sleeping in separate rooms for several days, an invisible wall having been erected between us. Every night, I go to bed alone, haunted by our arguments and by a sense of loss that eats away at my mind. I feel a deep absence, a void that even cold sheets cannot fill.

Today is Friday night, and I find myself alone in my room, the silence weighing on my shoulders like a heavy blanket. I know that I am unpleasant to Pete, that my words and actions betray an aggression that is not intended for him. But it is stronger than me. The war that Kim is waging with the Wen clan has awakened in me worries that I cannot contain.

I worry about the future. For Pete. For us. . Every day I try to stay in control, to stay strong for those who count on me, but the reality is I can't manage my emotions. They overflow, flooding my patience and my ability to be rational.

I get up and start pacing around my room, unable to find rest.

I miss Pete. He's just in the kitchen. I know I should go to him, apologize, try to find some common ground. But anger and frustration hold me back. I worry that I'll make things worse, that I won't find the words to express what I really feel.

But since I have nothing else to do, I go to see him. I smell something cooking and I'm happy but it quickly fades when I realize he's making a meal just for himself. My fists clench and I approach him, my jaw clenched.

- What are you doing, Pete? Are you cooking just for yourself now?

He looks up at me, visibly exasperated, and responds with a hint of contained anger:

-I make a spicy meal for me and a non-spicy meal for you. I know you don't like spicy.

I realize my mistake right away but before I can formulate an apology or even express a hint of gratitude, he explodes, his words flying like bullets.

-You know what, Vegas?! You're insufferable! You spend your time criticizing me, accusing me of absurd things, and you never stop to think about how I feel!

Every word he shouts is an arrow that strikes my conscience. But instead of defusing my anger, his words only fuel it.

-You have no idea what I'm going through! Do you think this is easy for me? Do you think I do all this for fun?

I yell back, my voice echoing through the kitchen. Pete looks at me with eyes filled with tears and frustration.

—That 's no excuse to be an asshole, Vegas! I'm doing my best for both of us, but you're making it impossible!

His voice cracks on the last words, and something inside me cracks. I lose control of myself, taking his plate from him and throwing it to the floor.

Pete immediately curls up, his shoulders shaking with fear and surprise. Luckily, I manage to hold my hand back, avoiding doing the irreparable. The sight of Pete in this state shocks me, but my anger has not yet subsided. I grab him roughly by the hair, forcing him to follow me. He cries out in pain, his eyes wide with fear.

- No, Daddy... please don't hurt me!!

I don't answer, my rage making me numb to his pleas. I drag him to our bedroom, his body struggling weakly against my hold. Once inside, I chain him to the bed with a chain I'd kept for emergencies. Pete is shaking, tears streaming silently down his face.