Gossip Girl: It Had To Be You

Stoned dudes can read between the lines

Nate was up in his wing of the Archibald town house, sharing hits with Jeremy, Anthony, and Charlie on the new blue Lucite bong he'd just bought at a head shop on East Fourteenth Street. The windows were open to let out the smoke, and the boys sat huddled together in a tight circle around the bong like Boy Scouts around a campfire.

"Dude, in like two days you're gonna be El Capitán!" Jeremy observed. He handed Nate the blue test tube–like contraption, banged his fists against his chest and snorted through his nostrils like a horny male gorilla. Nate's friends acted like they'd been having sex with older girls since third grade, but the truth was they were in total virgins, vicariously enjoying the thrill of Nate's upcoming tryst with L'Wren.

Nate grinned into the opening at the top of his new bong. It was six inches longer than Jeremy's homemade one and got him thoroughly baked after only half a hit. Even without his friends' encouragement, Nate was feeling totally stoked. He couldn't wait to finally have sex. It was this huge rite of passage thing that every boy fantasized about, and it was about to happen to him. He stood up and grabbed his graphite iMac off his desk. "She sends me these horny e-mails every day," he bragged, powering the laptop on and clicking on his inbox. Sure enough, a new message from L'Wren topped the list.

From: lwren@knowes.com
To: narchibald@stjudes.edu
Subject: thinking of u
Date: Wednesday, February 19, 4:18PM

Natie Baby,
Only two more days until I am untying your bow tie and throwing your boxers out the window. Get ready to have an amazing time with a girl who knows what she's doing, because you know what they say—practice makes perfect!!
I'm glad it's you and you're gonna be way glad it's me. ; )

—L'Wren

The other three boys tittered and blew smoke rings as Nate read the message out loud to them. Then he clicked on the message below it.

From: svanderwoodsen@constancebillard.edu
To: narchibald@stjudes.edu
Subject: us
Date: Wednesday, February 19, 3:05PM

Hey Natie,
Just wanted you to know that I still haven't told Blair because I really don't think I should. I guess maybe I'm chicken, but I think she's having a hard time with her family right now and I don't want to get her upset? Can we just sort of pretend nothing is going on for a while until things aren't so crazy?
You know I love you,

—S

"See? That's what I'm fucking talking about!" Jeremy Scott Tompkinson crowed, pointing at the screen as he read over Nate's shoulder. He thrust the bong into Nate's hands and read the message out loud to the others while Nate took another wincing hit."'Just sort of pretend nothing is going on'?" Jeremy repeated with a disdainful roll of his bloodshot hazel eyes. "Serena's the bomb and all that, but she's leading you down the yellow brick road to no-dickville," he expounded with stoned intensity. "College girl's already got her clothes off. You just gotta turn up and blam!—your virginity is part of your rosy-cheeked childhood." He pounded on his chest with his fists again. "El Capitán, remember? El fucking Capitán!"

Nate took a second consecutive hit, his head spinning with lack of oxygen and an overdose of tetrahydrocannabinol. He wasn't sure what Serena meant about Blair, but then he realized that he hadn't even seen Blair since the morning after that party on Valentine's Day. Maybe she hadn't been hanging out because things were going badly with her family and she didn't really feel like talking about it?

Or maybe he was just too stoned to notice that nearly a whole week had gone by without them talking.

Nate ran his hands through his wavy golden brown hair. If Blair's family was having real problems, that was bad. And it was sweet that Serena didn't want to spill the applecart or tip the can of beans, or whatever the hell the expression was. He'd remember when he wasn't so stoned. But none of that meant that he shouldn't go ahead and lose his virginity to L'Wren, right?