I'll Come Running

Chapter 62

Jessie shut the door behind her, leaning up against it ever so slightly and resting her head comfortably. She could feel the heat rising to her cheeks and her throat tightening as she was trying to stifle her sobs. She felt the uncontrollable heaves of her rib cage up and down as she silently cried, now looking down and closing her eyes. She attempted to catch her breath so as to not let Rafe hear her on the other side of the already thin door. But she doubted he would come if he heard her. She doubted he was even still standing there.

Little did she know, he sure was. And in the same position against the door as she was, with his head hung low and tears flowing. The both of them cried uncontrollably just mere inches from each other. It's a wonder neither one of them heard the other.

Jessie just put her hand to her mouth to try once more not to make any noise, the other hand making its way to her knee for support. She felt her legs shake and buckle and she was convinced the stress was about to make her pass out. She had never felt this feeling before, not even when she found out she was pregnant. This time was different. This time she had a daughter who knew her father, and who thought he hung the moon. This time Rafe knew about his daughter, and was smitten with her. This time it was much more complicated. Four years ago Jessie was convinced that wasn't possible, but she proved herself wrong. She couldn't take the guilt, knowing she allowed the situation that just occurred and everything leading up to it. She should have never left the Pogues in the Bahamas, she should have never let them find the cross. She should have never let Rafe back into her life after she got the gold. She should have never even said yes to the stupid plan in the first place. She should've kept to herself. As frustrated as she was with the whole situation, she couldn't shake her biggest regret.

She shouldn't have ever lit up that first joint. She should have never offered it to Rafe. And she wasn't even thinking about the time in the hot tub just weeks ago. She couldn't stop thinking about that night she met Rafe for the first time, just the two of them on that lonely beach. She regretted it more than she could express. She knew she created the mess she was in, but how could she not when that's all she's ever known? Her father only taught her one way to cope, and she had tried so hard to break the generational curse, and she did... until Rafe walked back into her life. He was always her Achilles heal. Years of pent up rage and regret were coming out all in this moment. However, this time, she didn't want to do a line. She didn't want to smoke a joint. She didn't even want a beer. The idea of drugs and alcohol in her system made her sick to her stomach. The deep emotions she was feeling right now seemed to be enough to make her sober up indefinitely. She swore in her heart and mind that she would never touch the stuff ever again. Instead, she would find a familiar high, one that was not found in her husband or her old habits, but one that was found on the open road of Manhattan, coasting through the city streets on the bike she road away on years ago.

Rafe on the other hand, couldn't get away from the thought of drugs even if he tried, and of course, he tried. He slid down the door with his head in his hands. He then heard the distant foot steps of his Jessie walking down the hallways to god knows where to do god knows what. This time, he didn't want to run after her, he didn't have the energy. He was exhausted from the mental gymnastics he's been playing for weeks, in a constant game of chess trying to keep everyone just happy enough for him to make his next move. It wasn't a choice, it was a calling... the last few weeks made it feel like a curse.

Despite Rafe's uncontrollable crying, it only lasted for mere minutes before he picked his head up and looked over at the stairs. He imagined his sweet daughter walking down them, undoubtedly being able to hear the pitter patter of her feet before he ever saw her with her bed head, squinted eyes, and favorite blanket in her arm. The realization that his precious little girl could come down at any second and see her father crying on the floor with her mother nowhere to be found was enough to pick him up off the ground and dry his eyes. He changed his demeanor on a dime. He wondered if Jessie even would come back. After all, she's left before. Surely she wouldn't leave her daughter? Either way, Rafe devoted himself then and there to being the dad he needed to be for his little girl, whether it was for this night or for this life. But god the pain he was feeling couldn't be ignored. The stress he felt over work and trying to do right by his family. The anxiety he felt over Jessie being out on the streets of Manhattan alone at night. He knew she could take care of herself, but some things just shouldn't be done. He felt like a terrible husband for letting her leave. But he also couldn't overcome the anger he had towards her for her crass words. The tension was all too much. If he was going to truly forget and move forward for his daughter he knew what he had to do. He had to start by getting some sleep.