Untouchable

I know places

"I never really knew how much the heart breaks until I was lying next to you and you were thinking about someone else."

- Courtney Peppernell, Pillow Thoughts 

Some days I just sit down and think. I think about what I did with Oliver, what I could have done, and what I didn't say. I remember it every day, and it still never fails to hurt. This day in particular was the catalyst of my feelings. 

In drama, we already finished blocking almost all of the scenes of the show. I was terrified to think about this ending, I was scared to think that my time was short. That day we were running through the whole show. The cast began with Circle of Life, and as we were exiting, Oli yelled, "Charlie!!! Don't leave me stay here!!". I reluctantly agreed, but I was happy he wanted me to be with him. He just didn't know it. I started to walk over to him, he was by the stairs standing in the wings. There was a staircase that led outside and you could exit the stage through there. He decided to stay on the pathway that led to the staircase. He propped himself up on the shelf and told me to stand next to him.  

We talked about so many random things. Just him and me, alone together, in a dark hallway lit by a dim, golden light. It was so erratic, he talked about the musical and how funny the choreographer was, and he talked about candy, his sister, music, and friends. Sometimes he'd just sit on the shelf watching the musical unfold and look over at me. I'm not sure why he did that, if he was just seeing how I reacted to the music, or if he was just bored and wanted someone to zone out to, but he still looked at me. It was the weirdest thing ever. We'd calmly sit in silence, staring out onto the stage. It was cozy. "You know I care about you a lot right," he stated, "you matter to me." How could he say something like that to a boy he didn't even love? How could he look me in the eyes, tell me that he genuinely cared about me, and be completely oblivious to what he was doing to me? At some point, we got to talking about my hair. He said he liked my hair, and how fluffy it was. I looked up at him sitting on his shelf, and he slowly placed his hand on my sideburns. Oli started playing with my sideburns, twirling my hair in his fingers like it was his to begin with. I hated this feeling, I loved this feeling. I couldn't help but admire every part of him, I couldn't help myself. Truthfully, wholeheartedly, unfortunately, I was the one to blame. He was so beautiful and terrifying. 

"Do you have a crush on anyone in your grade?" Oli asked. I couldn't believe it. He asked first. "If you tell me who it is, I'll tell you who I have a crush on..." he said. My mind stopped working. My hands stopped shaking. 

"What," I said, "and yeah...I do, but I'm not telling you!" This was my chance to finally get the point across.

"I won't tell anyone! You know I won't!" he countered. I knew he wouldn't, but he didn't know the person I had a crush on was him. I went silent for a while. We sat in a different place where it was dark and only the silhouettes of us could be seen. I sat on the railing of the staircase, next to him. Slowly, I made up my mind and in this vital moment, I did the only possible thing that felt like a good option. I lied.

"...It's a boy. " I told him. This was not a lie. 

"Okay," he said, "what's his name?" Crap. I didn't think this far. 

"You probably don't know him, his name is...James. Anyway, who do you have a crush on?" I lied. I told him it was James. 

"Ok. Her name is Mia. And she likes me back but she said to wait because we're too young to date. I'm ok with waiting though." he had a crush on a girl. Of course. What did I expect? Some big confession with a secret bouquet? He's still a straight white boy who can't come to terms with himself. 

"Huh. I don't know her." I said. 

"Yeah....anyway scoot back!!" he demanded.

I was going to cry. He was called onstage and I decided to leave a voice message on my phone. I went behind the staircase and cried. I cried because that's all I knew how to do. I knew it was coming of course. He came back into the wings and I quickly wiped my tears as I saw him coming back. We stood there on opposite sides for a little, before unexpectedly, I broke the silence. "So, what do you like about her?" I asked him. This was to check if there actually was something there. 

"Ummm...I dunno, we just fit!" Oli answered. As he said that, I got a little suspicious. Don't we just fit? 

We had a 5-minute break and my friends were sitting down in the audience. I ran down the stairs leading down the stage and into the house. "Guys, he likes a girl." I didn't tell them any context because they already knew what and who I was talking about. It went silent. 

"Charlie...I'm so sorry." Nia spoke up. 

"It'll be ok, he's just a stupid kid." Brooklynn consoled. I knew that. But I didn't. He was so much more. 

"Who is it?" they asked me. 

"I don't know he just said her name was Mia and there's like 3 Mias in his grade," I told them. I mean, it definitely couldn't have been 8th-grade Mia, but then again, you never know. The break ended with them going to the school website and searching for her name. 

I was back in the corner with him. He sat back down on the shelf and looked out on the stage. He looked back at me. "Wait, what's this?" he said and touched the bandage on my face. It was actually just a bug-bite that I didn't want to see, but I lied and told him that I scratched my face. "Aw, your poor boo boo!" he held his hand up to my face and started patting the bandage. Why did he do this? Then, he put his finger to his lips and kissed it. He kissed his finger, and then gently, he put it to my bandage. "There we go, all better!" he told me. But I wasn't "all better". My face was a hot mess, my hands were sweating, and the boy in front of me led me on. So, I wasn't "all better". 

I hated that I let him do all these lovely, cursed things to me. I hated it. I hated the fact I felt like this. But I loved it too. I loved him too. 

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