Untouchable

Missing you.

"In my dreams I come home to you and you come home to me and for a split second every hardship I ever endured has meaning."– Unknown.

Before I could even think, Christmas break arrived, and the end of the day felt like a distant memory. I can't even remember it. I think I said bye to all of my friends, but not Oli. I didn't usually see him at the end of the day. I wish I did. I wish I lived more in the moment than thinking about the future. At that time, the future didn't matter. What mattered, was that I spent the time with my friends and him before I left. If only I hadn't hesitated, maybe things would have been better with him. As I drove away from the school, I felt a sense of yearning coming over me, it filled my brain with questions and worthless lies that I couldn't do anything with. When I got home, all I wanted was to be at school alone with him. But no, I couldn't. Winter break was 2 weeks, which simply meant I wouldn't see him for 14 days. The spring semester felt as though it was years away. I spent the majority of my break rotting away in my room, which started getting cramped, making scenarios. All my scenarios had a similar plot. It was like something out of a book; however, only the climax was available.

In most of them, it was the last day at school, and Oliver and I were on this pathway side-by-side behind the school. The trees whispered, and the birds quieted down; they knew something we didn't. The warm, summer wind would be blowing through his hair, and the sun would bear down on us, shining a light both of us dreaded would come too soon. It was too late for every word I could say, and the last bell was about to ring. I stopped walking while he kept going. He'd stop and look back at me. We were facing each other. "What's wrong?" He'd ask me. 

"Nothing, just thinking." I'd respond.

I would look down at my feet, my vision blurring with every quickened beat of my heart. I'd look back up at him with teary eyes, and engulf him in a hug I feared would be the last. I'd hold him like not even that would be enough, unsure of what comes with the future. I'd hold, and hold, and hold him until the world wouldn't let me anymore. 

In some of the scenarios, still in my arms, he'd say he loved me. I'd stare at him with a perplexed look on my face, he'd look at me with fear, and I would reassure him that I love him too. In those kinds of scenarios, maybe I'd kiss him and we'd stay in that position. When I pulled away, I would ask if he wanted to go out today, maybe to a coffee shop or the mall. He'd say yes.

In other scenarios, that last hug would end everything. When I would pull away from the hug, I'd look at him, and he'd look back. And I would hold back every word I wanted to say, every hug I wanted to give him, and I'd stash those desires deep down where no one could find them. When the last bell was to ring, I'd hug my friends as we all cried. Whilst I drove away from the school, my home, and my friends, I'd rethink everything I never did, never said, and never dreamed. The tears that were to drench my face then knew what was to come. The beating in my heart would decrease, and all that would be left was an ache. As the years went by, I'd slowly start forgetting him and those memories we made, and they would become fragments of my dreams and hopes that subsided and seeped into the soil of our grave. They would be reduced to moments in time that I once held close to my heart. When I'm on my deathbed, I'd be handed my old phone from those times. I'd click on the photos app and scroll to that last year. I'd go through all the videos and pictures, stumble into a daze, and faint looking at his face. I spent 11 months there, and I wasn't able to take a risk and reach out to him. The memories and treasures would come rushing back to me as if I were hit by a 10-foot wave at the beach, and I'd sit there and cry. I'd cry till I had no tears left to cry. I'd think about the life I could've had with him, and I'd sob. Knowing I would die without knowing if he was okay would be the bane of my existence. As I lie there, the light would grow closer and I'd fall into a spiral of the moments and emotions we shared. As everything faded from view, I would see the first time I ever met him. I'd go back to that old, echoey auditorium and see striking blond hair and hazel green eyes all over again. But this time, he's waving goodbye. And everything goes black.

Fortunately, for me at the time, that wasn't real. I still had a chance, and I decided I wasn't trying to give up that chance. I still had him with me; it wasn't the end yet. I spent the rest of my winter holiday relishing time with my family and playing video games to keep my mind occupied. 

Thankfully, winter break went by relatively quickly. I lay in my bed thinking. I was just thinking, but what if I told you? What if somehow, though my attempts always failed, I was able to get out my words and reach you? All these "ifs" but no real answer. One last what if. What if you loved me back?

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